How do you know when a hiptser is a good secret agent?

You've never heard of him.

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What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?

Neither of us know the words to any of her songs

How did the witches and wizards in the Alzheimer's ward refer to Voldemort?

You-knew-who

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What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Why did the vegetables invite the mushroom to their party?

They heard he was a fungi