Hear Jokes

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use a bathroom?

The p is silent.

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Why didn't Wilma let Fred in when he was banging at the door?

Because she was in the shower and didn't hear him because the elephant stump was on full blast.

What's the worse thing to hear during a prostate exam?

A zip.

Where all my mustang drivers at?????

Last I heard, they're all headed to Portland

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Why did the cannibal go to KFC?

He heard it was finger licking good.

What did one hash brownie say to the other?

We're so baked. What did the stoner say to his friend? I'm so high,I can hear the brownies talking to each other.

What was 2016?

The best joke I've ever heard!

Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom?

Because her pee is silent.

What's the difference between a church and a mosque?

In a church you see pew, pew pew. In a mosque you hear pew pew pew.

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Whats the worst thing to hear when you have explosive diarrhea?

Are you ticklish?

What's Cain's favorite genre of music?

Rock, I hear his brother hates it though.

What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?

They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.

Which do you want to hear first?

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?

Whatever you want, he can't hear you..

What do you call a deaf Pokémon go player walking into traffic?

Anything you want they're not going to hear you.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the restroom?

Because they're extinct

Why did all the Black people move to Detroit?

Because they heard there were no jobs there.

What's the worst thing you can hear while taking the bus?

ALLAHUUUUUU AKBARRRR

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why are children's birthday parties never held in outer space?

Because I hear that in space there is no ice-cream.

What are you planting???

B: The seed of doubt. A: Dude, that's the worst joke I've ever heard! A: Or is it the best???

Why did American football player Michael Vick want to see the film "Top Gun"?

He heard the film had dogfighting scenes

What's the worst they could say? No?

I'm a married man, I hear no at least two times a week.

Why do engineering students call themselves engineers?

You don't hear a law student call themselves a lawyer, or a gender studies student call themselves a barista.

Why did Hannibal Lecter try DiGiorno's Pizza?

He heard it had de y flavor.

What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal?

Nice watch

What do you hear if you hold a kebap to your ear?

The silence of the lambs

What's the same between a smart blonde and a UFO?

You keep hearing about them, but you never see one

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What did Tarzan say when he saw a heard of elephants?

Oh look! A heard of elephants.

What's the same about a smart blonde and a UFO?

You keep hearing about em but you never see em

Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?

They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.

Why do Black People hate country music?

Because when they hear "Hoe Down" they think their sister got shot.

What to hear something funny?

Original Content

Whats you favorite Christmas joke?

I know this is an unorthodox post, but, I would love to hear your favorites!

What's a hipster's biggest problem?

You probably haven't heard it.

What is your best casino joke?

I work in a casino and want to hear your best one. Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player? A canoe sometimes tips!

Why did the Kenyans win the marathon?

They heard there was water at the end

How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing?

HEY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!

What do you say upon hearing a bad Halloween joke?

Booooooo, Booooooo

What is the most commonly heard four-letter word in a whorehouse?

Next!

Why did a man bring a ladder to the party?

He heard the drinks were on the house.....

What do you do when you hear a woman got hit by a car?

Wonder how the hell a car got into the kitchen

Why are life long overweight people funny?

Growing up they hear the best jokes.

How can you tell there is a Canadian in your closet?

You can hear someone scooting aboot in it

Why did Jared go to a Goat farm?

He heard there was lots of Kids there.

What will they ask Jared of Subway in the prison shower?

Do you want a 6 or a 12 inch one?' I heard this joke on Bill Burr's podcast.

Who was the best boxer of all time?

Jim Jones, I heard he took out 909 people with one punch.

What did Tony Abbott do when he heard Denmark had surplus wind power?

Cut funding for wind power in Australia

What has shadier inner workings, Reddit or FIFA?

Still waiting to hear back from an admin.

Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about?

Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about? B: Which one? A: the I-sis

Why did the acronym buff decide to go join the etymologists instead?

He heard they had PIE.

What happened to the egg when it heard the joke?

It cracked.

What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday?

A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a leak?

Because their entire species is extinct.

What gets you a downvote?

Reposting an old joke that wasn't funny the first time. What gets you an upvote? Posting an original joke, or a funny joke I've heard before. What get's you 5 upvotes? Being

Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate?

He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.

What did the deaf guy say to the blind guy?

I can't hear you, but I can see your point

Why don't you hear any knock knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

What did gangster Pooh said to gangster Tigger?

Tigga please!" Sorry, I heard it years ago. I don't remember where or when but I've just been saying alot lately.

Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?

Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!

Why the big pause................................?

Said the man in the pub to the bear. First heard this joke told by Eddie Izzard.

What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?

You hear about them but never see them

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

When you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?

Yes, I'm completely sure.

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

Why did Bill and Ted join Islam?

Because they heard it was radical!

What did the bat say to the other bat when he almost flew into a tree?

Whoa did you hear that?

Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.

What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?

Do You Hear what I Hear?

Why was the baguette excited for his audition?

He heard he might be playing a big roll

Why are Helium, Curium and Barium called the medical elements?

Because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium. (Heard it from Heimerdinger, League of Legends)

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Sametime next month? I heard this jome a while back. Sorry if its a repost

What did Goku say when he heard his wife listening to the song, "Fancy"?

Aye, Chi-Chi, Why?

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because pterodactyls are extinct.

Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane?

Cos iv never heard of an airplane reverse into a mountain... ill help myself out...

What did Japan say when it heard the US had an atomic bomb?

Did you make that Fermi?

Who do fish listen to when they want to hear some dubstep?

Krillex.

Why did the hipster cross the road?

To get to a place you've probably never heard of.

What is the craziest/weirdest/most interesting/most unique/ uncommon phrase you've ever heard?

I am working on a project, and its going to revolve around a phrase. I need it to be really out there, yet could be used in everyday life. But honestly just give me anything you got.

What is your best weed/stoner related joke?

I've never heard any good ones so please give me your best!

What kind of disease do you get from birds?

Chirpes. It's a canarial disease, and I hear it's untweetable.

Why did the snowman have his pants down?

Because he heard the snowblower was coming.

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

He heard the snow-blower was coming.

What's the worst thing about Mexican and Black jokes?

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals?

The Lakers. (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals.) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke.

How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground?

The feel the leash go slack! (heard this one while listening to some Irish tunes)

What is something that is always heard but never seen?

A member of the Queen's guard doing a single squat.

What did the cat say when I shut him in the refridgerator?

I don't know, I couldn't hear him through the door.

What's a hippie's favorite animal?

An elk It has the E, the L, and the K. Would like to hear some more if you guys have any.

How is an accordion like an artillery shell?

Once you hear it, it's already too late.

What did the doctor say to the terminally ill deaf patient?

Now, this May be difficult to hear...

Who wants to hear an awesome knock knock joke?

Okay, you start.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live. I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

Why do American tourists talk so loudly?

So that they can hear each other over their clothes

Why did the lollipop cross the road?

Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed.

What's a joke that you invented?

Here's mine: Did you hear about the guy who had to snort a line of baking soda every day? He was basically addicted.

Why couldn't anyone hear Hellen Keller scream?

She was wearing mittens.

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