Who wants to hear an appendectomy joke?

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What is a paranoid man's favorite food?

Who wants to know?

Why do hipsters drink coffee so quickly?

They want to finish before it's cool.

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What's the worst they could say? No?

I'm a married man, I hear no at least two times a week.

Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?

It's meow-sic to their ears!

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Why did Gandalf have to go to the hospital to get a splinter removed?

He had a staff infection...

Why did the vampire go to hospital?

He wanted his ghoulstones removed.