Want Jokes

What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?

A bachelor will go to the fridge, sees nothing he wants, and go to bed A married man will go the bed, sees nothing he wants, and go the fridge!

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I Love Pizza & You

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How is your day going?

G- Pretty well, Do you want me to walk you back? B- walk me back? G- to the friendzone you just tried to escape.

What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student?

A philosophy student asks you you want fries with that

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

How are new marriages just like LOST?

The Significant Others just want babies.

What did the rich bald man want before he died?

Heairs.

What colour did Matthew McConaughey want his house to be painted?

All white, all white, all white.

Why didn't the table want to be sat on?

He wasn't a charitable guy

Where does every craps player want to go when they die?

Paradise.

Why was the programmer unhappy at his job?

He wanted arrays. It had to be reiterated several times before it was sorted out.

Why did the man marry a monkey?

Because he wanted a PRIME-MATE! sorry...sorry twice if this is an old joke

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Love

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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted people

What do you call a guy who wants to join the mile high club by himself?

A high-jacker.

Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation?

He didn't want any beef.

Why are Aspirins and Paracetamol white?

Well, you want them to work, don't you?

What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it?

Irrelevant.

Why did Greenpeace throw Wolf Blitzer in the ocean?

They wanted to restore the CNNomies

What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?

Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?

What did Chad Kroeger say after leaving a concert of Justin Bieber?

I want my Nickleback....

How many psychologists does it take to change a tire?

Just one, but first the tire really has to want to change.

How do you count cows?

You use a cow-culator. Or you round them up. Or any other method the commenters want.

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We've Got This Love Thing Down

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What do we want?

Race car noises. When do we want them? Neoooooooooooooooooooooow

Why did the black man try to break into jail?

He wanted to be with his family.

Why did the cows cross the road?

They wanted to go to the mooo....vies

What did the dance instructor say to her student when the student wanted to use her bathroom?

Skip to my loo.

How to scare parents?

Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

Why didn't George like driving through tunnels with people in his car?

He didn't want to get carpool tunnel syndrome.

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?

I want hue.

Why do they want to relocate the Sistine chapel in Boston?

Because it's more than a ceiling

What do you call an essay in a flash drive???

Who wants 2 try?

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Love Card

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Why do donuts have holes in the center?

Because the inventor of the donut wanted to give us a whole experience.

What did the zombie farmer say he wanted?

Grrraaaaiiinnns...

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke holes that it's often poked before?

A key.

Where will the 400 pound gorilla sleep?

Wherever it wants to. R.I.P. Harambe

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

How does an Alabama girl know shes in for a crazy night?

Her daddy says he wants her in bed by ten.

Why does Harambe confuse bartenders?

All he wants is Just Ice

What to Russian Zombie Athletes want?

GAINZZZZZZ

Which do you want to hear first?

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

Why did the surgeon refuse to dress for work?

He didn't want no scrubs

What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?

Whatever you want, he can't hear you..

Why are the "sans" family of fonts so serious?

No one wants to be comic sans.

What is a common question at lizards' fast food joints?

You want flies with that?

What's the difference between a refugee and E.T?

E.T learned English and wanted to go home.

What were the political views of the librarian?

She wanted open borders.

What am I?

I start with a v and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I? I'll post the answer in 10 minutes.

Why did the customer choose T-Mobile?

Because he wanted the worst cellphone service in the world.

What do you call a deaf Pokémon go player walking into traffic?

Anything you want they're not going to hear you.

Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany?

Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!

Why did the blonde feminist want to be cremated when she died?

She thought a traditional burial would be too bio-degrading.

What do a trickster and a multiplicative inverse function have in common?

They both want to pull 1 over on you.

What do the NBA and the presidential election have in common?

There's only two candidates, and nobody wants either of them to win!

What do North Korea and my girlfriend have in common?

Neither want me coming inside them.

Why did the suicidal man cross the road?

Because he wanted to play chicken.

Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?

He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

What's the difference between a repost and a bullet?

I don't want to put a repost in my mouth

What do you say when you don't want anymore Heineken?

NeinIcant

Why Republicans cannot swim as freely as they want?

Dems!

Why Did The Hedgehog Cross The Road?

Because he wanted to see his flat mate.

What is the main reason people are voting for Brexit?

When asked if they want to be economically joined with Greece, all they can say is "eeeeuuuuuuu"

What did the Flower say to the Bees?

You know you want it, Honey

Why did Fetty Wap chose that as his stage name?

Because he wanted to make $50K per day from ad revenue.

Why did the chemist join the Pentecostal church?

He wanted to speak in tungsten.

Why do you want to be buried at sea?

Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.

What's the difference between a man and a woman?

A woman wants a man who can satisfy all her needs. A man wants all women who can satisfy his needs.

Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates?

They hate plaque buildup.

Why did no-one want to play a game with the leopard?

He was a cheetah.

Why did the campfire turn into a forest fire?

It wanted to get off its ash.

When two ants want to run away and get married, who do they seek for help?

The Antelopes.

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Because he wanted to... "Get along little doggy"

Why did American football player Michael Vick want to see the film "Top Gun"?

He heard the film had dogfighting scenes

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

I want my quarter back!

Why do men die before their wives?

Because we want to!

What is 50 Cent's guiding philosophy?

Be the change you want to see in the world.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

Why do you want to run for President?

Because walking wouldn't burn enough calories.

How does a nihilist propose to his fiancee?

Even though my existence is meaningless I want to spend the rest of it with you.

What does a tree do when it wants to go home?

It leaves.

What did Picard say when Riker asked him what kind of Chinese food he wanted?

Make it Tso's Number One.

What's the difference between mlk day and St. Patrick's Day?

Everyone WANTS to be Irish on st Patrick's day.

Why did they produce a reality show about midgets?

Because they only wanted a little drama.

What's angry most of the time and wants you to stick something hard in it?

An outlet

What do you call someone you want to be stepped on by?

A crush crush

What does Harry Potter say when he wants a cigarette?

Tobaccio

What did the fancy cat say when he wanted to leave?

Le meow

What do an Iraqi baby, an American president, and a homesick Brit visiting Jerusalem all want?

They all want either pees, peace or peas in the middle east.

What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal?

Nice watch

What did the man who ate a clock say?

That was time consuming but I still want seconds.

Why did the Mexican man throw his wife off a bridge?

He wanted tequila.

How is a chronic disease unlike the 9th Doctor, but like the 10th Doctor?

It sticks around for more than 1 Season, and doesn't want to go.

Where's the best place to go if you want a little head?

The 2016 Olympics.

What did the toaster say to the pop tart?

I want you inside of me.

Why are millionaires bad at swimming?

Because they drown at their own wealth Edit: I got down voted :(I thought of that in my head and just wanted to share it

How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard-of-hearing?

HEY!!! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!?!

What do you call a 20 year old spaceship that whines all the time and never wants to run properly?

The Millenial Falcon.

Why did the rich guy crash his car?

He wanted to see how the Mercedes bends

Why did the recruiter hire a Spider?

Q: Why did the recruiter hire a Spider? A: Because he wanted to hire a Strong "Web Developer".

Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?

They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.

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