How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?

Write 'pp espressivo'.

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Who writes all his plays on the Internet?

Will-e. Shakespeare.

How many amateur masochists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one; But it takes a WHOLE E.R. room to extract it afterwards. Double joke! "whole... hole." it's a play on words

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What instrument does God play?

He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."

Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?

He was baroque.