How do you know a wood pieces history?

You check its logbook

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How do you know when a joke has gone too far?

It's elected President.

What's the difference between a School and an ISIS training ground?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone

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Why does Heisenberg hate driving?

He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer.

How can you tell if a carpenter is happy?

Check his spirit level.