Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

A squadratic formula, if you will.

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What does an excited karate pupil say to his friend when greeting him?

HIYAH!

What do you call a pirate with no friends?

Ginger Beard

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What sort of animals make the best TV presenters?

Gnus - readers!

What sort of cheese do you use to get a bear to go on a outing with you?

Camembert