Friend Jokes

Which is the smallest profession? A mini cab driver or a micro biologist?

Neither. I have a friend who works in computers.

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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What do you rate Megan Fox out of 10?

Friend: 9 Me: 9? I'll give her one..

What's the worst thing to say to a friend you see on a plane?

Hi Jack!

Why did the man go to the doctor after taking his friend to work?

He had carpool tunnel

Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!

What's the best way to make friends?

Tell a woman you love her and she says "i think we're just friends..."

What did the poor composer say to his friend?

I am baroque, can you lend me some money?

What do you call a girl who friend zones you?

M'lady

What did one hash brownie say to the other?

We're so baked. What did the stoner say to his friend? I'm so high,I can hear the brownies talking to each other.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

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What would you do if you won the lottery?

Two friends meet together and one asks: What would you do if you won the lottery? -I would build a brothel! Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money? -I'd open it to the public

How to scare parents?

Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

How can you tell if someone is schizophrenic?

I'll let my friend answer that one:

What's you experience with "Friends with benefits"?

The close thing I came to having friends with benefits was.......... convincing my friend to bring food for me daily.

Which internet search engine does Chandler from Friends use?

Google, like everybody does.

What's life like with alchohol?

Depressing. What's life like without alchohol? Depressing. I need friends.

What's the worst part about admitting to your friends and family you play PokemanGo?

Having to admit you have autism:,P

Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he's married.

What did Caesar say when he ran into his friend at a music lesson?

Etude, Brute?

What did Ernie say when his friend tried to convince him he was ice cream?

Are you surebert?

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We've Got This Love Thing Down

$5.99

Why did the kid run across the freeway?

To show his friends he had guts. And boy, did he have guts.

Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends?

Because for most of his life, he's Ben Solo.

What happens when your friend from Prague topples over?

You right a Czech.

What's the difference between friends and potatoes?

Potatoes don't scream when you peel their skin and toss them in boiling water.

What's it like to have a social life?

Asking for a friend.

How did the turtle call his friends?

On his shellphone

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on the new Top Gear?

It doesn't make sense, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

Why did my friend get a screw in her pizza?

She is allergic to nuts.

What did 'b' say to his friend 'e' after 'e' saved his life?

AY E! I O U edit: added Y

What does an amoeba call its friend?

Cell mate.

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What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?

I'm just asking for a friend)

Why did the barracuda want to hire the clown fish's anemone?

Because the barracuda believed that "anemone of my enemy is a friend."

What did the ventriloquist say to their friend?

Nothing. He's mute. I don't even think he's as ventriloquist.

Why couldn't the Dali Lama go out and play with his friends?

Because he was grounded.

Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

A squadratic formula, if you will.

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

Why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend?

Because...bros before hose!

What does a 1337 pirate call his friends?

M80

Why was little Billy so sad when his friends played on the swingset?

He had no arms. Sorry that joke was stupid, let me try again. Knock Knock "Whose there?" Not Billy

What two friends belonging to two different alien species call each other?

Brothers from Another Mothership.

Why did the Crab not share any plankton with his friends?

Because he was shellfish.

Why did the lady with multiple personality disorder share her food with a friend?

Because Sharon is Karen.

What do you call it when a bunch of deer have an intervention for one of their friends?

Change for a buck.

Why do the homies call their friend Paragraph?

Because he's too short to be an essay

What do you call ice cream that robs a bank?

Heist cream Got to give credit to my friend, who sadly dosent have reddit.

When is a dog not a dog?

When it is pure bread. Told to me by a friend.

What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend?

Frisbae

What do you call the feeling of being unable to urinate beside a friend?

PEEr pressure!

Why are me and my friends so nosey?

Because we're pry mates.

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

Where does a cow go to watch a film?

The mooovies. pls tell to friends.

Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid?

He was told not to play with his food.

What do you do after you but a new oven?

Invite all of your friends over and have an oven warming party.

Why are Panda's always sad?

Because all their friends are dead.

Why did Dr Facilier cross the road?

He had friends on the other side.

How does a butcher introduce his wife to his friends?

Meet Patty

Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

What do you call a piece of pasta that doesn't have any friends?

Cannelonely!

What did the chicken say?

What did they chicken say to his friends after being sent to the hospital after failing to cross the road?. Don't worry ill get over it.

How can you tell if your "designer clothes" are made in China?

If they look fabric-cated Very bad, I know. "This is why we don't have friends!!"

Why did the trout go to med school?

Mounting pressure from his friends and family

How do you get high underwater?

Seaweed! lol my friends 12 yr old daughter told us this one

How do you know if your friend has an iPhone?

They tell you.

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother?

A brother, because you can choose your friends.

What did the stuttering Mexican say to his friend when he tried to steal his food?

These are nacho-nachos.

Why does the noble gas always cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

What did the sea-world trainer's friend say to him after he spilled water on his friends lap?

You did that on porpoise

How do you know your friend has been at the gym?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

What language do pirates speak?

Arrrrrrabic! A friend and I were extremely high and he thought of this.Good times.

What are some good fruit jokes?

My friend is doing a video project for school and needs fruit jokes.

What's your favorite pirate joke?

Friend has an eyepatch on for some reason or another and I'm running out of decent jokes.

What's the difference between Limburger cheese and my friend Ted?

One is white and stinks, and the other is cheese. (As told to me by the UPS guy)

Why didn't Tim have any friends while he was studying fishing?

Because he would just go home and master bait.

What's your funniest yet least known joke?

I have a friend that absolutely loves cheesy, question and answer jokes and I wanna make a card with a list of them! The problem is that she knows just about every joke known to man so I challenge you to give me hilarious, short jokes that aren't very widely known. Make me laugh!

Why did the kiddie pool have no friends?

Because it was too shallow.

Why do so many Australian men experience premature ejeculation?

Because they cant wait to get out and tell all their friends about scoring.

What Pixar movie will Rick Astley never let you borrow?

He's never gonna give you Up! Credit to my friend who doesn't even Reddit.

What do WNBA players make?

Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share

What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool?

I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!

Why was the candle mad at his friend?

He blew him off.

Why did Ibuprofen miss his friends?

Because Paracetamol on fire.

Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward?

Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.

Why couldn't the two testes be friends?

Because of the vas deferens.

What is the president's favorite vegetable?

BARACK-oli. Courtesy of my friend Abraham.

What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.

What ever happened to the Energizer Bunny?

So the other day I'm talking to a friend about what happened to the Energizer Bunny. It's been quite sometime since I've seen him appear in a commercial. I was always under the impression that he "kept going." My friend proceeds to tell me the Energizer Bunny was arrested last year,and they charged him with battery. Now it all makes sense.

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Friend Jokes

Which is the smallest profession? A mini cab driver or a micro biologist?

Your Age Is Only Math

What do you rate Megan Fox out of 10?

What's the worst thing to say to a friend you see on a plane?

Why did the man go to the doctor after taking his friend to work?

Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

What's the best way to make friends?

What are short men called?

What did the poor composer say to his friend?

What do you call a girl who friend zones you?

What did one hash brownie say to the other?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Birthday State of Mind

What would you do if you won the lottery?

How to scare parents?

How can you tell if someone is schizophrenic?

What's you experience with "Friends with benefits"?

Which internet search engine does Chandler from Friends use?

What's life like with alchohol?

What's the worst part about admitting to your friends and family you play PokemanGo?

Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?

What did Caesar say when he ran into his friend at a music lesson?

What did Ernie say when his friend tried to convince him he was ice cream?

We've Got This Love Thing Down

Why did the kid run across the freeway?

Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends?

What happens when your friend from Prague topples over?

What's the difference between friends and potatoes?

What's it like to have a social life?

How did the turtle call his friends?

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on the new Top Gear?

Why did my friend get a screw in her pizza?

What did 'b' say to his friend 'e' after 'e' saved his life?

What does an amoeba call its friend?

I Love Pizza & You

What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?

How do gingers make friends?

Why did the barracuda want to hire the clown fish's anemone?

What did the ventriloquist say to their friend?

Why couldn't the Dali Lama go out and play with his friends?

Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend?

What does a 1337 pirate call his friends?

Why was little Billy so sad when his friends played on the swingset?

What two friends belonging to two different alien species call each other?

Why did the Crab not share any plankton with his friends?

Why did the lady with multiple personality disorder share her food with a friend?

What do you call it when a bunch of deer have an intervention for one of their friends?

Why do the homies call their friend Paragraph?

What do you call ice cream that robs a bank?

When is a dog not a dog?

What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend?

What do you call the feeling of being unable to urinate beside a friend?

Why are me and my friends so nosey?

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

Where does a cow go to watch a film?

Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid?

What do you do after you but a new oven?

Why are Panda's always sad?

Why did Dr Facilier cross the road?

How does a butcher introduce his wife to his friends?

Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

What do you call a piece of pasta that doesn't have any friends?

What did the chicken say?

How can you tell if your "designer clothes" are made in China?

Why did the trout go to med school?

How do you get high underwater?

How do you know if your friend has an iPhone?

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother?

What did the stuttering Mexican say to his friend when he tried to steal his food?

Why does the noble gas always cry?

What did the sea-world trainer's friend say to him after he spilled water on his friends lap?

How do you know your friend has been at the gym?

What language do pirates speak?

What are some good fruit jokes?

What's your favorite pirate joke?

What's the difference between Limburger cheese and my friend Ted?