Friend Jokes

Which is the smallest profession? A mini cab driver or a micro biologist?

Neither. I have a friend who works in computers.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

Why did the man go to the doctor after taking his friend to work?

He had carpool tunnel

Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!

What's the best way to make friends?

Tell a woman you love her and she says "i think we're just friends..."

What are short men called?

Friends.

What did the poor composer say to his friend?

I am baroque, can you lend me some money?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

What's you experience with "Friends with benefits"?

The close thing I came to having friends with benefits was.......... convincing my friend to bring food for me daily.

Which internet search engine does Chandler from Friends use?

Google, like everybody does.

Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he's married.

What did Caesar say when he ran into his friend at a music lesson?

Etude, Brute?

Everyday Deserves a Joke

$19.99

What did Ernie say when his friend tried to convince him he was ice cream?

Are you surebert?

Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends?

Because for most of his life, he's Ben Solo.

What happens when your friend from Prague topples over?

You right a Czech.

What's it like to have a social life?

Asking for a friend.

How did the turtle call his friends?

On his shellphone

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on the new Top Gear?

It doesn't make sense, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

Why did my friend get a screw in her pizza?

She is allergic to nuts.

What did 'b' say to his friend 'e' after 'e' saved his life?

AY E! I O U edit: added Y

What does an amoeba call its friend?

Cell mate.

What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?

I'm just asking for a friend)

Couple's Daily Question Mug

$19.99

How do gingers make friends?

No seriously, im getting lonely.

Why did the barracuda want to hire the clown fish's anemone?

Because the barracuda believed that "anemone of my enemy is a friend."

Why couldn't the Dali Lama go out and play with his friends?

Because he was grounded.

Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

A squadratic formula, if you will.

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

What does a 1337 pirate call his friends?

M80

What two friends belonging to two different alien species call each other?

Brothers from Another Mothership.

Why did the Crab not share any plankton with his friends?

Because he was shellfish.

What do you call it when a bunch of deer have an intervention for one of their friends?

Change for a buck.

What do you call ice cream that robs a bank?

Heist cream Got to give credit to my friend, who sadly dosent have reddit.

When is a dog not a dog?

When it is pure bread. Told to me by a friend.

What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend?

Frisbae

What do you call the feeling of being unable to urinate beside a friend?

PEEr pressure!

Why are me and my friends so nosey?

Because we're pry mates.

Where does a cow go to watch a film?

The mooovies. pls tell to friends.

Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid?

He was told not to play with his food.

What do you do after you but a new oven?

Invite all of your friends over and have an oven warming party.

Why did Dr Facilier cross the road?

He had friends on the other side.

How does a butcher introduce his wife to his friends?

Meet Patty

Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

What do you call a piece of pasta that doesn't have any friends?

Cannelonely!

Why did the trout go to med school?

Mounting pressure from his friends and family

How do you know if your friend has an iPhone?

They tell you.

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother?

A brother, because you can choose your friends.

Why does the noble gas always cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

What did the sea-world trainer's friend say to him after he spilled water on his friends lap?

You did that on porpoise

How do you know your friend has been at the gym?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

What language do pirates speak?

Arrrrrrabic! A friend and I were extremely high and he thought of this.Good times.

What's the difference between Limburger cheese and my friend Ted?

One is white and stinks, and the other is cheese. (As told to me by the UPS guy)

Why did the kiddie pool have no friends?

Because it was too shallow.

What Pixar movie will Rick Astley never let you borrow?

He's never gonna give you Up! Credit to my friend who doesn't even Reddit.

What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool?

I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!

Why was the candle mad at his friend?

He blew him off.

Why did Ibuprofen miss his friends?

Because Paracetamol on fire.

Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward?

Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.

Why couldn't the two testes be friends?

Because of the vas deferens.

What is the president's favorite vegetable?

BARACK-oli. Courtesy of my friend Abraham.

What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential."

What was the aardvark's favorite Lady Gaga song?

Just Ants. Credit: My friend, the PUNisher.

Why doesnt Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he is married.

Why was the clownfish sad?

Because its friends were anemones.

What's the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends?

The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends...?

Because he's married.

What should I do?

Me: Court her. Friend: Dude, I don't have any change...

What do all my friends and my dad have in common?

I didnt have either growing up

Why cant Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he's Blind Married

What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down?

Crumbs!

Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he was married.

How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big?

Ostrich-sized.

Why does Rilla get mad when he's in a race?

A. Because all his friends shout "GO-RILLA!"

What does an excited karate pupil say to his friend when greeting him?

HIYAH!

Why did my friend throw my computer out the window?

So A Dell could message me and say Hello from the other side.

What's the easiest way to end a friendship?

Just asking for a friend

What is the best Vitamin for friendship?

B1. Because no one wants to be friends with a guy in a metabolic coma due to a thiamine deficiency.

What's the difference between a French Knight and my friend with a genie?

One's a Paladin, and the other's my pal Alladin

How does a skeleton call her friends?

On a telebone.

What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip?

Coo.

Whenever I meet a Jim I ask, "is that short for Jimberly?

And I have few friends in real life.

What did the yogi say to his friends when they asked him to leave?

Nah I'ma stay

What shoes are hard to wear?

Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

Asking for a friend

Why couldn't Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he was married

Why shouldn't you be friends with a broken clock?

Because it won't even give you the time of day.

What will it be for you, my friend?

The vendor asks. "Make me one with everything"

What did the psychic velociraptor say to his friend?

Dino what you're thinking.

What do you call your friend thats a detective?

Your Sherlock Homie

Why doesn't Saran Wrap have any friends?

Because it sticks to itself.

Why are Twitter jokes not as funny when you read them aloud to a friend?

It's not like they had to be there...

What do you call a pirate with no friends?

Ginger Beard

How do you know when a white girl recently visited her friends grave?

There's Starbucks next to the headstone.

What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?

Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

What do French fries and friends have in common?

They both die if you chop them

How does an Australian call his friend from the Czech Republic?

Czechmate

Who is always your friend at school?

Your princi-pal.

Why does the mushroom have a lot of friends?

He's a fungi

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?

Long time no sea.

What do you call a mythical milkshake?

Legendairy (credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)

Why is a room of 50 doctors safer than a room with 1000 doctors?

You can't survive in 1000 degrees. *credit to my friend Neriah.

What does an egg say when he gets turnt?

Om lit cred: my friend DaMexicanBurrito from playstation.

You might also enjoy:

Fish Tank Jokes More Fish Tank Jokes