A bachelor will go to the fridge, sees nothing he wants, and go to bed A married man will go the bed, sees nothing he wants, and go the fridge!
Eggs actually get laid.
Nothing
A Hippo is heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
I wouldn't pay 50 to have a lentil on my face...
Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content.
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Everyone can roast beef, but no one can pea soup.
One leg is both the same.
I've never had a garbanzo pea on my face.
Ask them what a 3Ds is.
Timing
One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.
The taste.
Nothing they are both Thor.
God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.
Student - Well, I don't know. I guess one is a bit too high?
I'm not coming into work today
Snowballs.
You can't hear an enzyme.
One is made of plastic and is very dangerous for little kids to play with. The other carries groceries.
One has soul full of hope & one has a hole full of soap... I'll walk myself out, sorry first post here
Outlaws are wanted people
One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.
You can make soldiers out of toast!
How much damage can their Weiner make...
The baby grows up and learns to stop crying.
The grip.
Attire.
Irradiated cats have 18 half-lives
Some people are against shooting guns.
Snow balls. Ha
Refrigerator doesn't have a 'd' in it.
In the Pro Bowl, they give ten percent.
When you run in front of a car you get tired. When you run behind a car you get exhausted.
We stopped Germany.
I asked for Pizza #KingOfjokes
Owens can finish a race.
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a kilo fall out of a window
Kevin still doesn't know.
A major difference.
You don't have electricians that are colour blind!
You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
A camera has photos and a foot has five toes. (Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)
Banana is yellow,dynamite is red
Stark industries has actually turned a profit
Sugar is on the lips.
Justice isn't always black and white
Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.
One plays with an electric guitar, the other a-cue-stick.
You can't jelly someone into a wood chipper.
One's covered in soap bubbles, while the other's covered in Pope stubbles.
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
Tiger Woods hasn't hit as many balls.
A knife has a point.
One's a crazy heron, the other's a hairy Craisin.
In a church you see pew, pew pew. In a mosque you hear pew pew pew.
The guy overpacked, and the photon is traveling light.
One stood for something
One says, "Spit out your gum!" The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"
I don't know, i just fly the drone
Nobody would name their band Pearl Jelly.
You would pay to have a potato on you...
About ten minutes.
Scooby-Doo doesn't have a dog.
You can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna!
Apart from the Spelling?
I dont know and I dont care.
You can't milk a cow for 15 years.
The Mercedes can easily reach 40.
The people miss Harambe.
Humans miss Harambe.
One bursts into flames in the sunlight, and the other is a vampire.
Iron Man is a superhero, Iron Woman is a command.
The guy who has a new Mercedes is rich. The guy who has an old Mercedes has been rich for a longer time.
One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different
One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.
The Earth's crust is on the outside.
Astronomy is about things too big to wrap your head around, while gastronomy is about things small enough to wrap your head around.
They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.
A tribal tattoo makes you laugh.
If you have bird flu you need tweetment. If you have swine flu you need oinkment.
I stopped butchering goats.
I never took a skinny on a girl's chest.
Only one of them is organized.
Caribou can't fly.
The Nun has hope in her soul and the lady taking a bath has soap in her hole.
If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.
One composes, the other decomposes...
You can't tuna fish!
A jet engine stops whining after it lands
The extroverted mathematician looks at YOUR shoes when he's speaking to you.
The pencil has a point
E.T learned English and wanted to go home.
Uranium gets to its half-life on time.
Coconuts have hair
People from Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do.
No idea man, im just flying the drone.
About 20 beers!!
Artificial celery
A tongue.
SEVEN.
Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.
Pasta la vista, baby.
Slow the pace and apply more lube!
A battery has a positive side.
Because she was his sole mate.
He said he was in town to shoot a pilot.
I don't have Ferrari in my garage.
A quarter pounder with cheese.
It was a child predator.
It's the only activity where you actually aim for the hole under 18 and you don't go to jail.
She was maid in France!
