A bachelor will go to the fridge, sees nothing he wants, and go to bed A married man will go the bed, sees nothing he wants, and go the fridge!
Eggs actually get laid.
Nothing
A Hippo is heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
A philosophy student asks you you want fries with that
I wouldn't pay 50 to have a lentil on my face...
Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content.
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Everyone can roast beef, but no one can pea soup.
One leg is both the same.
I've never had a garbanzo pea on my face.
They're both made of plastic, and little kids turn them on.
Ask them what a 3Ds is.
A shopping bag can carry a child.
One has standards.
Timing
Harambe tried to save the kids.
A voice.
One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.
The taste.
Nothing they are both Thor.
God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.
Student - Well, I don't know. I guess one is a bit too high?
I'm not coming into work today
Snowballs.
You can't hear an enzyme.
One is made of plastic and is very dangerous for little kids to play with. The other carries groceries.
One has soul full of hope & one has a hole full of soap... I'll walk myself out, sorry first post here
The second letter.
Outlaws are wanted people
One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.
You can make soldiers out of toast!
How much damage can their Weiner make...
Ones a cunning array of stunts...
The baby grows up and learns to stop crying.
The grip.
Attire.
10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head.
Irradiated cats have 18 half-lives
Some people are against shooting guns.
Snow balls. Ha
Tyrone
Refrigerator doesn't have a 'd' in it.
In the Pro Bowl, they give ten percent.
When you run in front of a car you get tired. When you run behind a car you get exhausted.
We stopped Germany.
I asked for Pizza #KingOfjokes
Owens can finish a race.
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a kilo fall out of a window
Kevin still doesn't know.
A major difference.
You don't have electricians that are colour blind!
You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
A camera has photos and a foot has five toes. (Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)
Banana is yellow,dynamite is red
Stark industries has actually turned a profit
Sugar is on the lips.
Justice isn't always black and white
Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.
One plays with an electric guitar, the other a-cue-stick.
You can't jelly someone into a wood chipper.
One's covered in soap bubbles, while the other's covered in Pope stubbles.
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
Tiger Woods hasn't hit as many balls.
A knife has a point.
One's a crazy heron, the other's a hairy Craisin.
In a church you see pew, pew pew. In a mosque you hear pew pew pew.
The guy overpacked, and the photon is traveling light.
One stood for something
One says, "Spit out your gum!" The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"
I don't know, i just fly the drone
Nobody would name their band Pearl Jelly.
You would pay to have a potato on you...
About ten minutes.
Scooby-Doo doesn't have a dog.
You can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna!
Apart from the Spelling?
I dont know and I dont care.
You can't milk a cow for 15 years.
The Mercedes can easily reach 40.
Batman can go inside a store without Robin
The people miss Harambe.
Humans miss Harambe.
One bursts into flames in the sunlight, and the other is a vampire.
Brexit has actually affected society.
Iron Man is a superhero, Iron Woman is a command.
The guy who has a new Mercedes is rich. The guy who has an old Mercedes has been rich for a longer time.
One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different
One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.
The Earth's crust is on the outside.
Astronomy is about things too big to wrap your head around, while gastronomy is about things small enough to wrap your head around.
They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.
When you twist the doorknob it doesn't scream.
Al Gore's the stiff one.
A tribal tattoo makes you laugh.
If you have bird flu you need tweetment. If you have swine flu you need oinkment.
I stopped butchering goats.
I never took a skinny on a girl's chest.
Only one of them is organized.
Change Why do we need change (It's cool, I go to a Lutheran church)
It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.
On Tinder.
He gave her a ring.
I just need some space.
On dos axes
ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
One. They stick the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!
An American drone.
Mitosis
So he could shoot his mouth off.
He took a can of orange juice from the freezer and made a pitcher.
Eclipse it.
I don't have Ferrari in my garage.
A quarter pounder with cheese.
