The baby grows up and learns to stop crying.
Some people are against shooting guns.
Refrigerator doesn't have a 'd' in it.
Snow balls. Ha
In the Pro Bowl, they give ten percent.
When you run in front of a car you get tired. When you run behind a car you get exhausted.
We stopped Germany.
You can't jelly someone into a wood chipper.
Only one of them is organized.
Jesus doesn't think he's Bono
No one cries when you chop up the baby.
A gun has one trigger.
One connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard
Potatoes don't scream when you peel their skin and toss them in boiling water.
If you find the right woman, you're complete.
Better reflexes.
45
The magician's wand is used for cunning stunts
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
I work in a casino and want to hear your best one. Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player? A canoe sometimes tips!
The cloths hanger only solves one problem.
Tom wants his balls illegally deflated on the field and Ben wants that off the field.
He prefers his gut when it's down 45 pounds, and his junk when it's up 45 pounds.
A knife has a point.
Anyone can mash potatoes!
An electron
Deep ends really.
The placement of the dirt bag.
You can unscrew the light bulb. - Steve Martin, "My Blue Heaven"
You enjoy it when a joke is posted on Facebook
One is a bar-room and the other is a BAROOOM!
A woman can understand irony and satire without being offended.
David Lee Roth was in Van Halen Snoop Lion was in a van in halen
You can silence a gun.
You can only fit 3 fingers in a can of Copenhagen.
I don't know man, I just fly the drone
Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".
The former has a cunning array of stunts
It's no bad luck to walk under a truck.
One's really fun to smash with a sledge-hammer and the other is just a watermelon
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system
A fence.
An etymologist knows.
Some day, Pinocchio's going to be a real boy.
Bing sings and Walt Disney.
The posters
The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year.
Heidi cannot swing a golf club.
My couch pulls out.
The regular one says "Made in China". The fancy one says "Designed in the USA. Made in China."
A computer accepts a 3.5 inch floppy
It's a matter of a pinion(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pinion).
One's a prime number, the other's a prime minister.
There's a vas deferens.
The fish doesn't know it's plaice.
Pieces of fruit actually get picked for something.
What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.
The Rolling Stones say 'hey you, get off my cloud.' the Scotsman says 'hey MaCleod, get off my ewe.'
Half to none of the time.
Bernie Sanders exists.
One says, "hey, you! Get off my cloud!", and the other one says, "hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"
A tire!
Bigfoot has been sighted.
I don't wish for a lifetime supply every time I smell patchouli.
One is a superhero the other is a simple instruction
The bond matures.*
A church bell peals from the steeple.
Works every time What's a mattababy Nothing what's a matta with you
Not much. One likes getting stones, the other likes getting stoned.
One is a pollinator. The other is a pollen-hater.
Beernuts are $8.95 and Deernuts are under a buck!
One minds the train the other trains the mind.
The pension package.
A Fig Newton is Force sensitive.
Gator-raid. <3 edit: Learned the difference between a crocodile and alligator.
RemindMe! 2 days to edit this post
My shower gets turned on by me.
After putting them in a dark room, you have to wait for the photograph to fully develop.
I don't know and I don't care.
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna"fish!
Timing
Harambe tried to save the kids.
One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.
The taste.
Nothing they are both Thor.
Student - Well, I don't know. I guess one is a bit too high?
I'm not coming into work today
You can't hear an enzyme.
One is made of plastic and is very dangerous for little kids to play with. The other carries groceries.
Outlaws are wanted people
One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.
You can make soldiers out of toast!
The grip.
Attire.
Irradiated cats have 18 half-lives
Owens can finish a race.
Kevin still doesn't know.
You don't have electricians that are colour blind!
You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
You Cantaloupe.
I'm font of you.
You invite two of them.
Booze.
Oh baby ewe...you got what I knead!
Sparkie.
Where to sir?
I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.
A Watermelon...
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is a watermelon.
Because he was knotty
A. Because he held up a pair of pants!
Unemployed.
Nunavut.
Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
A Methodist will say hi when he sees you at the liquor store.
