My pizza jokes *can't be topped!*
Aaaand you're not allowed in my house anymore.
Good Mourning! *(this pun is baaad and I feel terrible about it)*
About 1500 miles.
Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" A Scottsman says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
A tire.
The star has a bright future.
A church bell peals from the steeple.
Sesame Street has an Oscar.
A plane
A 14 year old boy in the U.S. is a freshman and one in Mexico is a senor
Eric Clapton wouldn't drop a bag of cocaine out a window
Between NASA and NSA--it's astronomical.
You can take a rental car anywhere.
One is a super hero and the other is a command.
An Atari 2600 has more game.
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Cooking times.
The regular one says "Made in China". The fancy one says "Designed in the USA. Made in China."
Batman can go to the store without robin Edit: glad you'll liked it
On St Patty's day everyone wants to be Irish.
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Toast is brown on both sides.
Nobody ever says "Thank you for your service" to the latter.
D(sun)/dt *facepalm*
A bomb vest does something when triggered.
At least one group can grow a beard.
Nothing, it both requires swiping to find monsters in your area.
About three inches
Askreddit's subscribers are ok with offensive jokes.
God doesn't think he's a police officer.
The teacher tells you to spit you gum out. The train says, "Chew, chew, chew!"
A dressmaker sews what she gathers a farmer gathers what he sows.
A difference of a pinion!
It's a matter of a pinion(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pinion).
One's a prime number, the other's a prime minister.
One empties your pocket. The other makes Hot Pockets.
I dunno, I just repost them.
The baseball player has all of its limbs.
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
About three inches.
3 hours, but it takes 1 day for it to get to Hot
The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.
A philanthropist likes to impress people with his larg**esse**!
A mutual fund will eventually mature and make money
The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.
A elevator can raise a kid
You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A chain saw has a dynamic range.
One does their chores while complaining, the other doesn't do them at all.
Landscaping is an outside job.
A boat.
One had to P.
South Korean BBQ has more Seoul
My Grandma can unlock an iphone.
Q: What's the difference between democracy and feudalism A: In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your Count votes.
God doesn't think he's a Welder.
There's a vas deferens.
The taste.
An egg can stay in the cup longer
Eventually the savings bond will mature and begin to earn money.
15 years.
The rooster's primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Well... the woman at church has hope in her soul.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Time
The bag of rice can feed a family of four.
Nothing, The hits keep coming
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window. EDIT: Damn it he was four
Drones can't tell either
The egg actually gets laid!
None, the two are not a snake
Caesar: "I came, I saw, I conquered." Khan: "I conquered, I saw, I came."
1 figure, literally and figuratively.
People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones But people in Abu Dhabi Do!!
Anyone can mash potatoes
Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.
A Yoghurt's got culture!
A dog knows what is 'no'.
One's mad cow disease the other's an agricultural problem.
Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'
Two letters.
I don't know Reddit, that's why I'm asking you
You can't hear a protein. (Wait for it)
A dollar
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour it'll probably stop whining.
Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.
Capitalization.
Pieces of fruit actually get picked for something.
What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.
The Rolling Stones say 'hey you, get off my cloud.' the Scotsman says 'hey MaCleod, get off my ewe.'
The candle is a thousand times brighter!
One goes quick and the other goes quack!
His dad answers, "Well, there's a vas deferens!"
Camel can go days without drinking!
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
Removed
I don't know, I just fly the fighter jet.
The canoe tips.
A row bot
Because the prices were Solo
Because the prices are so steep
Quarkiplier
Because they contain a lot of fowl language.
A Paul Walker.
Peter Parker can shoot webs. Clark Kent.
They exchange cell numbers.
Ryan Locht-up
The Polish.
When the old one expects you to "do your share"
It's the space between girlfriend and girl friend.
My girlfriend knows about my wife.
Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.
Because they don't do Windows
