Ask Jokes

Two friends meet together and one asks: What would you do if you won the lottery? -I would build a brothel! Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money? -I'd open it to the public

Why aren't you studying, Billy?

Billy's Mom asked him, "Well, why aren't you studying, Billy? You have an exam tomorrow!" Billy said, "Because I've already Reddit thrice."

How would you handle a complaint from a customer?

Applicant: Well that depends, what's the complaint? Interviewer: He's complaining that his burger had onions on it, even though he specifically asked they were to be removed. Applicant: Well I'd start by telling him he's in the retail section.

What did the super-strong chlorella ask the moderately-weak chlorella?

Do you even algae-bruh?

What personal question is not obvious yet nobody has ever needed to ask anyone?

Are you vegan?

How do you ask a Northerner if they are of noble descent?

Arya Stark?

What did the animal control officer ask the Hawaiian dancer?

Hula the dogs out?

March Madness Sale

We've Got This Love Thing Down

$5.99

What did Pinocchio say to Rudolph when he asked him what he asked for Christmas?

Quit being nosey.

What did the scarecrow say when asked about his job?

This job isn't for everyone, but hay...it's in my jeans

How do you get a Canadian to pay you back?

You ask.

What makes fish smell?

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

What does Aerosmith say when someone asks them for directions?

Walk this way

What is the main reason people are voting for Brexit?

When asked if they want to be economically joined with Greece, all they can say is "eeeeuuuuuuu"

What did the Middle Eastern dishwasher say when his boss asked him what he did all day at work?

Iraq the dishes in the dish rack and Iran the dishwasher

What did Joe Hill say when someone asked if he was Joe King?

No, I'm dead serious.

What did one ovary say to the other one?

Did you order any furniture?" "No. Why?" asked the other. "Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."

March Madness Sale

Couple's Daily Question Mug

$14.99 $19.99

How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask him/her to pronounce unionized

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They won't stop to ask for directions.

How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant?

When you ask them "2+2 is?":

What did the pamphlet say to the booklet when it asked for help?

Bro sure!

How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

You ask them to pronounce unionize.

How do you tell the difference between a physicist and a plumber?

Ask them to say the word 'unionized'.

Why Cant Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, Marc, with a C. Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two! But don't ask me how they got inside there.

What's it like to have a social life?

Asking for a friend.

How can you tell if a girl is under 18?

Ask her if she is a Bernie Sanders supporter.

What's the difference between a vegan, a crossfit instructor, and a psychological test subject?

The test subject is the only one you'd willingly ask to "tell us about yourself."

What did Picard say when Riker asked him what kind of Chinese food he wanted?

Make it Tso's Number One.

What do call an old man that asks questions?

Pop Quiz

How can you ask a Mexican if their zodiac sign is leo?

Julio

How do you ask an Uber driver if he drives for Lyft, too?

Do you even Lyft bro?

How many babies does it take to stop a puck?

Ask Subban from the Hans to find out

What does the unemployed starving man ask his rich baker friend?

I just need some bread

What does a hippy tell you when you ask them to leave?

Namaste

What is the first question you ask a baby cow, after its gotten over an illness?

How are you vealing?

How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

When Does This White Privilege Thing Kick In?

Do I have to ask them to resend the authentication email, update my address or do I have to go to my local white privilege depot to request the trial edition of white privilege before I get the real thing?

What did the kid ask the Pirate?

Kid asks, "Where are your buccaneers?" Pirate replies, "They're under my Buccan Hat!"

What did the ninja say to the waiter when asked what to drink?

The ninja replies with "Wata!"

What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?

I'm just asking for a friend)

What did the hippie say when asked to leave the party?

Namaste.

What did Abe Lincoln say to the judge when he asked how he pleas?

I'm in a cent.

How can you tell between a graphic designer and recruiter?

Ask them to pronounce "hires"

What did the pot-smoking alien say when asked what toppings he wanted on his sammich?

Ayy lil' mayo.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

What did the yoga teacher say when someone asked if she wanted to leave the party early?

Namaste

What do you ask a Jamaican who's baking a cake?

Hey, are you Jamaican a cake?

What's the difference between an Elephant and a post box?

Well, if you don't know I'm definitely not asking you to mail this letter for me.

When asked to provide proof that he had cirrhosis, what did OP do?

OP de-livered.

How to tell if someone has Rhotacism?

Ask them to pronounce it.

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

What do you get if you cross goat DNA with human DNA?

I don't know, ask the Arabs!

How do you make a buff guy talk to you for hours?

Ask about his routine.

What did Jared say when the girl asked him for a footlong?

That he only has a 6 inch.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

What will they ask Jared of Subway in the prison shower?

Do you want a 6 or a 12 inch one?' I heard this joke on Bill Burr's podcast.

What does Batman ask when he enters a butcher shop?

Gotham?

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

What is it called when you ride around on a horse asking people questions?

A gallop poll.

What was Ryu's response when someone asked if they could have his autograph?

Sure you can!

What did Han Solo say when Leia asked for help with a crossword clue?

I don't know

How did Stevie Wonder respond when asked how he coped with being blind?

At least I'm not black.

Why was the guy wearing the fedora upset?

Because you didn't ask him what band he's in.

How do you tell a chemist from a non-chemist?

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized.'

What do you get when you ask for a Roman pinch hitter?

An Italian sub!

How do you tell the difference between a Fabric Designer and a Science Professor?

Ask them to pronounce "LATEX"

What did the choir teacher say to the student who asked to use the bathroom?

Of chorus.

How do you tell the difference between a redditor and a MOBA player?

Ask them what OP stands for.

What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp?

Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot.

Where are the raisins today?

A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

How do Japanese people ask for rice?

Samurais?

How do you know if someone's a vegan?

When you ask them "Are you a vegan?" and they say "Yes".

What did the man say when he realized the boy who asked him out was an orphan?

No home oh

What did the rapper ask the pet sitter when he got back from vacation?

Where my dogs at?

What did the Buddhist say when asked if he'd like to move from Tibet to North Korea?

Nah. I'ma stay.

What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

2B or not 2B?

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

You might also enjoy:

Shovel Jokes More Shovel Jokes