Kid Jokes

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?

Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?

What's your Mom's name?

Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

Why did the kids not receive presents for Christmas?

Because Rudolph intentionally grounded the team...

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Where does the pirate shop for his kid for Christmas?

Toys Arrrrrrrrrrr Us

Why Do Kids In High school Take Art?

You don't have to pay for the glue to sniff...

What has 5 legs and a big grin?

Pit-bull in kids sandpit

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!

Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?

To remind them why there's no money in it

Whats the difference between a goat and a kid?

I stopped butchering goats.

What did Michael Phelps say after the Mens 200m?

I would've gotten second if it weren't for you medaling kids.

What do you tell a kid with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told him twice.

Why couldn't a kid watch a pirate movie?

Because it was rated R.

Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

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How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

What did Helen Keller say after she finished her bowl of cereal for breakfast?

I may be blind, but I can see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

What's the difference between a kid and a joke?

A kid can joke but a joke cannot kid.

What did one kid at the playground say to the other kid?

Hello from the other slIIIIiiiIIIIide

What do you throw a drowning aboriginal?

His wife and kids

How a husband describe his wife?

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

What do you throw a drowning Mexican?

His wife and kids.

Why did the kid cross the road?

To go to a better place.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

Names!

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Lets go play on our bikes.

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What do you call a kid with an eye patch, braces and a lisp?

Names

Why did the kid run across the freeway?

To show his friends he had guts. And boy, did he have guts.

How do the Chinese name their kids?

They throw silverware down the stairs.

What's black and white and unemployed?

Just kidding about the white part.

What's the best part of having a kid?

The chewy center.

Where do you find a kid with no legs?

Right where you left him

Where did the kid with adhd go?

Aushwitz

What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?

Poverty

How do Chinese name their kids?

They throw silverware on the ground!

Why do skeletons have so many kids?

Because all they can do is bone.

Where can you always find kids by themselves?

Edit: i forgot to say please.

What did the kid ask the Pirate?

Kid asks, "Where are your buccaneers?" Pirate replies, "They're under my Buccan Hat!"

What playground equipment do kids hate the most?

The slide into poverty.

What do you call a kid with no legs, no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

Why don't people name their kids 'Napoleon'?

It's too complex

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Just kidding, he hasn't opened the box yet.

What do you get a kid without arms for Christmas?

Gloves, but he doesn't know that yet.. since he can't open it.

Howard was a kid with a paper route?

Probably not. Opie delivered.

What kind of medicine do you give a kid having a fit?

An anti-hissy-tamine.

What did the robot say to the gas pump?

Take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!" I saw this in a Highlights magazine when I was a kid.

Why did Ken and Barbie never have any kids?

Ken always came in a different box.

What do you call a seaside shanty for kids without parents?

A wharfanage

Why did Jared go to a Goat farm?

He heard there was lots of Kids there.

How does a lawyer name their kids?

Bill and Sue

Why did Subway take Jared so seriously?

It was obvious he was kidding.

Why was the violin coach arrested?

He was fiddling with the kids. *

How do you know if you're a bogan?

You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.

Why doesn't Barbie have any kids?

Because Ken came in another box.

Why is Grace never thirsty?

Because she's always drinking from the coup de Grace. (This was my sister's favourite joke when we were kids. Once our mum flipped out on a long car journey because she told it too many times).

What kid of music do old people listen to?

Hip-Pop

What did the kid say to his nanny when she stubbed her toe while trying to catch him?

Nana boo boo

What do the English and Welsh have in common?

Kids are their definition of a good time.

Why did the kid drop his ice cream?

Because the bus hit him.

Why does Jesus and bartenders have so much in common?

Bcoz they are single, have no kids, got nailed and serve alcoholic beverage.

What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?

Names

How many kids does Adrian Peterson have?

More than you can shake a stick at

Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid?

He was told not to play with his food.

What's the best part of having kids?

Making them.

What do you call a kid that stands up to bullies?

An ambulance.

What did Tony the Tiger say to the kids playing baseball?

Theeeeeeeeey Never expect the Spanish Inquisition!

What is a black guy's favorite game to play with the kids?

Peekaboo.

What bounces and makes kids cry?

The cheque I just sent to Save the Children.

Why can't Casper have kids?

Cause he has a Halloweenie

Why did the kid cross the playground?

To get to the other slide. Edit: spelling.

What is it called when a woman can't imagine having kids?

Inconceivable.

What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college?

Bison

What did the kid who could see dead eskimos say?

Icy dead people!

What do you call a waffle that's been buried in sand?

Sandiego (The first joke I ever made as a kid)

Why should you not let your kids go to Korean Discos?

Because you don't want them hanging around Parks at night.

What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids.

Why didn't kids make fun of argon in high school?

They never got a reaction out of him.

Why did the Trix bunny hand out eggs?

Chicks are for kids!

How can you tell two people are married?

Both are yelling at the same kid.

Why couldn't the Dairy Queen have any kids?

Because she married Mr. Softy!

What's upside down and downside up at the same time?

A kid with cerebral palsy living in Australia

What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch?

Names.

What happens when you take acid with a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese?

Rastafriedrice

What did Pink Floyd say to Jerry Sandusky?

Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!

How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid?

Mini-mom wage.

What was Justin Timberlake called when he was a kid?

Justin Timberpuddle!

What did Star Trek teach millions of kids?

To boldly split infinitives!

What did Pat Benatar say to the kid throwing cereal at her?

Stop using Chex as a weapon!

Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because all the kids have to play in side.

What's the difference between Ice Age 4 and Batman The Dark Knight?

The kids walked out of Ice Age 4... Alive

Why don't Barbie and Ken have kids?

Ken came in a different box.

What's the difference between Stanley Yelnats and the rest of the kids in Holes?

He was just a nerdy digger.

Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter?

Because he might fiddle with your kids.

Whats th first joke you remember hearing or that you told as a kid?

Mine is: What is the white stuff in bird poop? (That is also bird poop.) edit: til you can't edit the topic to fix spelling errors...

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Peer Pressure Jokes More Peer Pressure Jokes

What do you call the feeling of being unable to urinate beside a friend?

PEEr pressure!

Why did the monkey fall of the tree?

Why did the second monkey fall off the tree? Why did the third monkey fall of the tree? Peer pressure.

Playground Jokes More Playground Jokes

What do you call someone who designs playgrounds?

A Park-itect

What did one kid at the playground say to the other kid?

Hello from the other slIIIIiiiIIIIide

Peer Jokes More Peer Jokes

How about we do some peer-to-peer sharing?

Your domain or mine

Why Isn't The Media Covering This?

The media asks other media, peering into its media mirror, media-ing before a day of media in media.

Shot Jokes More Shot Jokes

Why is a roach clip called a roach clip?

Because pot holder was already taken -rim shot-

Which Star Wars character was arrested for drunk driving?

Han Solo. Because he took a shot first.

Hand Jokes More Hand Jokes

Why are hands so important?

You always need them for thumb finger another.

What do you call slapping hands with (5.5+1)/2?

A high phive!

Read Jokes More Read Jokes

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much?

Because they built their stuff with reads!

Old Stuff Jokes More Old Stuff Jokes

Why is the archaeologist depressed?

Some old stuff just got dug up

What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?

Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old. Here's my contribution. Have you head of the new drinking game? The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots. What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.

Tree Jokes More Tree Jokes

When is the month when the most trees fall?

Sep-timber

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it