Mom Jokes

Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!

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How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

What's your Mom's name?

Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

Why does Juan walk around the school like he owns the place?

Because his dad built it and his mom cleans it

What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?

Look ma, no hands!

What do you get when you cross my mom with my dad?

I don't know, but my Dad said it was a mistake.

What's the difference between awkward and awful?

Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

Why is my mom always right about everything?

Because she said so and that's final.

How do you make a horomone?

You don't pay her. (My mom is sick. Hilarious. But sick.)

What's more annoying on the internet, a troll or spam?

Your mom!

What is the most recycled joke that keeps getting used?

Your mom.

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What do your mom and Poland have in common?

A lot of countries have been inside her.

What's the difference between a waitress and your mom?

A waitress leaves me alone after I give her the tip.

Why did the man tell his mom to get him out of prison?

She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.

Why was the strawberry crying?

Because it's mom was in a real jam.

What's wrong with little Timmy?

Mom, sad): He went to Jared.

What's the difference between a BJ and reddit gold?

Your mom never gave me reddit gold.

What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea?

Help! I'm melting!

How long does it take light to travel from the sun to the earth?

Not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom.

What do I have in common with neutrinos?

We're both constantly penetrating your mom

What do your mom and a camel have in common?

They both spit.

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Why was the strawberry sad?

His mom was in a jam!

Why was the young snowflake so upset?

Because he just watched his mom get plowed.

What's a GF?

Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many.

How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty?

She kept wetting the bed.

Why was the young strawberry upset?

Cause his mom was in a jam.

What do your mom and monkeys have in common?

Macaque

Why was the baby strawberry sad?

His mom was in a jam.

Whats the difference between your Mom and the Pringles guy?

I can't get my whole fist in the Pringles guy's can.

What's the difference between a washing machine and your mom?

The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!

Why did I cross the road?

Because your mom was on the other side..

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What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese?

Rastafriedrice

How are neutrinos and i alike?

Were both constantly penetrating your mom

What did the Mexican boy say to his mom after he mopped the floors and found his brother?

I've cleaned up and found Jesus.

Who would win in a fight...your mom or your dad?

From the looks of it, your dad won

What did justin beiber say to his mom?

I FOUND MY MICROSCOPE, now all I need is my lotion and tweezers

What's updog?

Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u Dad (from hallway): OWNED

Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

Where's the cake?

Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.

What happens when you goose a ghost?

You get a hand full of sheet. (Joke from my mom)

Why is there a broom in the driveway?

Me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car

What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and your mom?

Biggie loves it when you call him Big Poppa, while your mom just loves it when you call.

Why was the cookie crying?

Because it's mom was a wafer so long.

What do neutrinos and I have in common?

We're always penetrating your mom

How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face?

I forgot to wet the soap.

What does my mom and a turkey have in common?

They both died on Thanksgiving

How long have you had this problem?

The doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41

What's a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally, cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom

Why do Mexican students act like they own the school?

Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof

What's big, thick, hairy, and makes babies?

Your mom.

What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building?

Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom &amp Dad

What do you call a cow... With three legs?

Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs That's right! Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs.... YOUR MOM.

What are you going to be for Halloween dad?

Me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be me: Mad

What did the baby say to its mom after breastfeeding?

Thanks for the mammaries!

How about her mom?

Has she said anything

Why do babies cry so much?

YOU'RE MOM.

What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced?

His mom got soul custody.

How old is your girlfriend?

She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!" "Yeah, actually it's yours"

When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?

Not yet," she replied

What do you call the corner of 69th and main?

Your moms place of employment

What did woody and buzz say to your mom?

Strange to see your toys have the same name as us.

What's similar between you mom and a bottle of Tide detergent?

They can both take about 65 loads.

What did you get your mom for Mother's Day tomorrow?

Besides a tiny, brief panic attack

Why can't Kylie Jenner see her mom?

Because she's trans-parent

Why didn't your back break, mom?

You're adopted.

What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?

Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

What's the difference between my bike and your mom?

Your dad doesn't watch when I ride my bike.

What do you call people who use the pull-out method?

Mom and Dad.

Why's the little boy scarred for life after going to buy his mom some earrings?

He went to Jared.

What's wrongdad?

Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.

How do you get out of Sunday school?

You tell your mom you're Sikh.

What did the black kid with diarrhea say to his mom?

Help! I'm melting!

What do your mom and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed

What did one plant say to the other plant that was annoying him?

Please leaf me alone! Or I'll tell my mom, and you'll get in trouble.

What did little Paul Bunyan say when his mom asked him how he damaged his favorite toy?

It was an ax-I-dent.

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult?

It's like, oh you gave birth to me Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Who pushed the neonate out an endometrium?

Your mom.

What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

How to not get scolded by your parents if you want GTA V?

Mom! I want to play GTA V! Giant Turtles ATTACK V!

What did you do at school today?

Mark: We played a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam Mark: That's right.

How fast can Klingon's run?

About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.

How is your mom just like a laundromat?

For a dollar in quarters she will take my load.

How many times do I have to tell you this Mom?

I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.

What did the little ghost give his mom for Mother's Day?

A booquet of flowers.

What did Sigmund Freud do for Mother's Day?

His mom.

How's my baby girl?

Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much

What company makes Nerds?

Your mom.

Who was bigger, the baby or his mom?

The baby, because he's a little Bigger.

How dare you complain about your life?

Someone's mom is Snooki.

Why is everything lying on the floor?

My mom asked Gravity, I replied.

Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?

Me: So I look less tired. 3: Why are you tired Me: Because I'm a mom. 3: Why are you a mom Me: 3:

What time?

Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.

Where are you and Mom going tonight?

Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.

What did the mom say when she found out her son was going to be a evil spy?

Abort mission!

When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?

Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

What do you call your mom who used to be your dad?

A transparent ()

Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

What is harder said than done?

Your mom

What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes?

Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.

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What is the lifespan of an owl?

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Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because then the children have to play inside.

Where do black parents get gifts for their children?

At Toys We Is

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What happens when two smurfs are in love?

They smuck

What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?

After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."

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