Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!
Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.
Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....
Look ma, no hands!
I don't know, but my Dad said it was a mistake.
Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her
Because she said so and that's final.
Your mom!
Your mom.
A waitress leaves me alone after I give her the tip.
She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.
Because it's mom was in a real jam.
Help! I'm melting!
They both spit.
His mom was in a jam!
Because he just watched his mom get plowed.
Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many.
She kept wetting the bed.
Cause his mom was in a jam.
Macaque
His mom was in a jam.
The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!
Because your mom was on the other side..
Rastafriedrice
Were both constantly penetrating your mom
I've cleaned up and found Jesus.
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions
Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.
You get a hand full of sheet. (Joke from my mom)
Me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car
Biggie loves it when you call him Big Poppa, while your mom just loves it when you call.
Because it's mom was a wafer so long.
We're always penetrating your mom
I forgot to wet the soap.
They both died on Thanksgiving
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally, cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom
Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof
Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building
Mom & Dad
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs That's right! Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs.... YOUR MOM.
Thanks for the mammaries!
Has she said anything
YOU'RE MOM.
His mom got soul custody.
She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!" "Yeah, actually it's yours"
Not yet," she replied
Your moms place of employment
Strange to see your toys have the same name as us.
Besides a tiny, brief panic attack
You're adopted.
Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!
Mom and Dad.
He went to Jared.
Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.
You tell your mom you're Sikh.
They both got nailed
Please leaf me alone! Or I'll tell my mom, and you'll get in trouble.
It was an ax-I-dent.
It's like, oh you gave birth to me Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Mom! I want to play GTA V! Giant Turtles ATTACK V!
About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.
I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.
A booquet of flowers.
His mom.
The baby, because he's a little Bigger.
Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.
Abort mission!
Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.
Because he had an edible complex.
Ground beef. What do you call a cow on three legs Tri-Tip. What do you call a cow on two legs Your mom.
His answer: "My mom."
A momma's boa.
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud MOM: A generator For what KID: To charge our iPods
V=75cA3xmssM
I reply "Taxes."
Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs Your mom
Me: "Your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love" Mom: "What were you looking at " Me: "Memes"
Petal.
Cauliflowers!
Wedding rings
Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
Mom: if youre a good boy, youll get one when youre older. Son: What is Im not a good boy? Mom: Youll get many.
Because given enough time it rises
UCLA.
A baby with its hand in the power socket.
Look! No hands!
Gigahurts. (Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
They were looking in Oldowan places
You dont fit in the hood kid.
A blender. How do you get them out Tortilla chips.
