Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!
Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.
Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....
Because his dad built it and his mom cleans it
Look ma, no hands!
I don't know, but my Dad said it was a mistake.
Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her
Because she said so and that's final.
You don't pay her. (My mom is sick. Hilarious. But sick.)
Your mom!
Your mom.
A lot of countries have been inside her.
A waitress leaves me alone after I give her the tip.
She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.
Because it's mom was in a real jam.
Mom, sad): He went to Jared.
Your mom never gave me reddit gold.
Help! I'm melting!
Not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom.
We're both constantly penetrating your mom
They both spit.
His mom was in a jam!
Because he just watched his mom get plowed.
Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many.
She kept wetting the bed.
Cause his mom was in a jam.
Macaque
His mom was in a jam.
I can't get my whole fist in the Pringles guy's can.
The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!
Because your mom was on the other side..
Rastafriedrice
Were both constantly penetrating your mom
I've cleaned up and found Jesus.
From the looks of it, your dad won
I FOUND MY MICROSCOPE, now all I need is my lotion and tweezers
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions
Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.
You get a hand full of sheet. (Joke from my mom)
Me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car
Biggie loves it when you call him Big Poppa, while your mom just loves it when you call.
Because it's mom was a wafer so long.
We're always penetrating your mom
I forgot to wet the soap.
They both died on Thanksgiving
The doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally, cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom
Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof
Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building
Mom & Dad
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs That's right! Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs.... YOUR MOM.
Me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be me: Mad
Thanks for the mammaries!
Has she said anything
YOU'RE MOM.
His mom got soul custody.
She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!" "Yeah, actually it's yours"
Not yet," she replied
Your moms place of employment
Strange to see your toys have the same name as us.
They can both take about 65 loads.
Besides a tiny, brief panic attack
Because she's trans-parent
You're adopted.
Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!
Your dad doesn't watch when I ride my bike.
Mom and Dad.
He went to Jared.
Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.
You tell your mom you're Sikh.
They both got nailed
Please leaf me alone! Or I'll tell my mom, and you'll get in trouble.
It was an ax-I-dent.
It's like, oh you gave birth to me Please enjoy this fancy candle.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Mom! I want to play GTA V! Giant Turtles ATTACK V!
Mark: We played a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam Mark: That's right.
About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.
For a dollar in quarters she will take my load.
I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.
A booquet of flowers.
His mom.
Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much
The baby, because he's a little Bigger.
Someone's mom is Snooki.
My mom asked Gravity, I replied.
Me: So I look less tired. 3: Why are you tired Me: Because I'm a mom. 3: Why are you a mom Me: 3:
Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.
Abort mission!
Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
A transparent ()
Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Your mom
Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.
Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
K
Cashearing! (Joke I made up last night at work, so be gentle with me)
Because it has NO FANS!!! (get it no fans... thank you!! don't forget to tip your server.)
Cousins.....
Because she was his relative
Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift
They're too mature for their taste
I don't know, but it sure can wash a lot of dishes.
Put it through the Wash.
He was looking for Pooh.
Eleanor Brucevelt.
A sturgeon.
Oh, you guessed it right... the tuna fish!
Have everybody chip in.
