What did the mom say when she found out her son was going to be a evil spy?

Abort mission!

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What did Darth Vader say to Admiral Motti after browsing his collection of George Michael records?

I find your lack of Faith disturbing.

Where did people find out that Pluto was no longer a planet?

The orbituaries.

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What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea?

Help! I'm melting!

What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

If I dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around for the next few weeks.

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How do you like going to school?

Son: The going bit is fine as is the coming home bit too but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential."