Fish Jokes

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."

Why did the mafia boss get banned from the aquarium?

He was sleeping with the fishes.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fish

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze!

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.

What is the most expensive type of fish?

A goldfish! I am not sorry.

Why did the fish jump out of the water?

Because he was hooked on worms.

Where did Noah park his fish?

The carp-ark.

How do fish get high?

Seaweed

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Where does an 800 pound gorilla sleep?

With the fishes.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish

What did the sea monster have for dinner?

Fish and ships.

How is a fish like a bicycle?

Neither one knows how to whistle!

What did Noah tell his son while they were fishing?

Better get this right, I only have 2 worms.

What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall?

Damn! (This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)

What do you call a fish that likes to cook?

Bobby Fillet

Why should you always take at least two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

Because if you take only one he will drink all your beer.

What did fish on the kitchen bench say to the other fish?

Long time no sea.

What do you call a fish that can't sing?

An out-of-tuna!

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Why do fish always have c-sections?

Because they can't have land sections

Why are firetrucks red?

You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always Russian around.

Why are fish so educated?

Because a lot of them are in schools.

Why are they called Tuna Fish?

Because they don't swim in pairs. Are there two of those fish? Nahhh.

What do you call a fish that performs brain surgeries?

A neurosturgeon

What do fish talk about at work?

Current events

What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire?

A scarfish

Why didn't Ronald McDonald like to go fishing?

Because every time he did, he'd catch a whopper.

What happens to the water level in the aquarium when one of the fish dies?

It rises because the rest of the fishes are crying:'(

Why are there so many fish in the sea?

They're always getting hooked up

What kind of fish is made of two sodium atoms?

2 Na!

What kind of fish is made of only two sodium molecules?

2 na

Where does a fish keep his life savings?

In a riverbank

What's the difference between reddit and a fish?

Fish are cool

What do call a fish with a Phd?

A brain sturgeon.

Whats the difference between a fish and a mountain goat?

Fish muck about in fountains

What do you call a fish with no eye's?

A fsh

What do you call a fish in orbit?

Trouterspace.

Why did the fish cross the ocean?

Watching the National Geographic channel always makes me wonder how animals like fish manage to travel thousands of miles,and how they know where to go. Then I realised they can measure distances so well because they have their own scales.

What do you call a fish who went to medical school?

A sTurgeon

What's worse than a fish in the SS?

In. Man, I did that coming.

Why did the fisherman decide to go fishing?

For the halibut.

Why did the fish swim off of the waterfall?

For the Halibut.

Why don't hipsters like fishing?

It's too mainstream.

What do you call a fish that's good at trading favors?

A squid pro quo.

What kind of fish is the worst friend?

The Sel-Fish

What did the fish say to the man draining its aquarium?

WATER YOU DOING

What does a fish say when he hits concrete?

Dam! A customer told me that joke, equipped with an " old guys rule" shirt and a hardy fist bump.

What's the downside to dating a Mermaid?

Her clam smells like fish!

Why do fish always sing off key?

You can't tuna fish.

What do fish do when they are angry with each other?

They coral

Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?

Because other people took the bait.

What did Jesus' disciples say when he caught all those fishes?

HOLY MACKAREL!

What stresses fish out the most?

Current events.

Why is the ocean blue?

Because all the fish in there goes "bloo bloo bloo"

Why wasn't the fish allowed to play in the band?

Because he couldn't tuna piano!

What did fish A say to fish B?

Wasabi?

What's the difference between fishing and dating?

In one you don't want to jerk the hook, but in the other you don't want to hook the jerk.

Why was little Jimmy fishing in the well?

Because Tom had previously drowned in the well and everyone said "Tom is sleeping with the fishes."

What do fish in Jamaica smoke?

Sea-Weed. I'll show myself the door.

What does a fisherman say when he catches a fish?

His catch-phrase. Short n' Sweet, hope you like it!

How long did it take the fish to go to the store?

Salmon or eight minutes.

Who do fish listen to when they want to hear some dubstep?

Krillex.

What do you call a fish with three eyes?

Fiiish. (works when spoken :-/)

What do you call a German grocery store that carries everything but fish?

Not Sea Food.

Why are fish only happy inside?

They have in-door fins

Why do fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze

How do fish make calls?

On a shellphone! My 7 year old self was very proud of coming up with this one....

Why did the fish fall off it's bike?

It's a fish.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a fish?

Lightbulb.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?

Two very unhappy animals.

What did one fish say to the other during the race?

I'M GOING TILAPIA!!!

Why did the fisherman want to go fishing in Alaska?

Just for the halibut.

What did one fish say to the other?

Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.

What do you call someone who is good at fishing?

A Master Baiter.

Why didn't Tim have any friends while he was studying fishing?

Because he would just go home and master bait.

What is the most important thing for a hungry shark?

A-fish-in-sea.

What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?

Swimming trunks!

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

Why did the man go fishing?

Just for the halibut.

What kind of fish is funny, beautiful and a good role model for young women?

Tuna Fey.

What were Jesus' final words?

So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.

Where does the army keep fish?

In a tank.

What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?

A cuddlefish! (corny I know)

Who Loves Debates?

De fishes

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish. I got this from bash.org a long time ago, but I can't find the original post, so have this

What do you call a fish with two knees?

A two-knee fish! (works better when you're drunk)

What kind of fish does Google have in their lobby?

Bettas

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