Fish Jokes

What kind of fish will help you hear better?

A herring aid!

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What kind of fish is made from two sodium atoms?

A 2na

Why couldn't Batman go fishing?

Because Robin ate the worms.

How many Mormons do you take fishing with you?

Two. If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

What kind of a fish do you always find on a beach?

A dead one...

What's the Russian royalty's favorite type of fish?

Czar-dines!

What did a disappointed Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he fished up a Salmon?

IT'S NOT A TUNA!!!

What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing?

The cast-a-net.

Why did the hipster never catch a fish?

Because he didn't go in the mainstream

Why did Bill Gates &amp?

Warren Buffett once have me quickly kicked out of a game of bridge? When it was my turn to bid I kept saying, "Go fish".

Why can't a fish be a radio host?

Because if he goes on air, he'll die.

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What fish is made of only two sodium ions?

2 Na

What kind of bar do fish go to?

A sand bar.

What's the difference......between a piano, a fish, and glue?

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish "What about the glue " I knew you'd get stuck on that.

Why are fish no good at tennis?

They don't like to get too close to the net!

What is a sea monster's favorite dish?

Fish and ships.

Where are most fish found?

Between the head and the tail!

What has got 8 legs and 1 eye?

2 chairs and a half of a fish.

Why didn't Noah go fishing?

He only had two worms!

Why did the fish not get accepted into college?

His grades were below sea level

Why do elephants jump across rivers?

So they won't step on the fish.

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Where do fish wash?

In a river basin!

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

What do you call fish that taste two times as salty?

2Na

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fish!

What will santa bring your fish this Christmas?

A scale letrix!

What are you fishing for sonny?

Boy: I'm not fishing I'm drowning worms.

How does a fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales!

What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?

A Perch!

What do you call a fish that is good for your bones?

An orthopedic sturgeon.

What can I get ya?

And in a very raspy voice the fish says, "WATER"

What did the fish say when he accidentally swam into a wall?

Oh dam

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A Fsh

What is a sea monster's favorite meal?

Fish and Ships

What did the oyster say to the fish who stole it's shell?

Stop being shellfish!" *drops microphone, walks away*

Why do some fish always look high?

Because of all the seaweed.

What kind of fish is made out of two sodium atoms?

Tuna (2Na).

What do you call a fish who works for the government?

An Official.

When fish play football who is the captain?

The team's kipper!

How did one goldfish get the attention of another goldfish?

He yelled, "A u, fish!"

What do you call a fish that's on its way to somewhere?

Salmon en route

What kind of fish would be good to tune a piano?

Oh, you guessed it right... the tuna fish!

How many abstract artists does it to screw in a lightbulb?

A fish!

How many surrealist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish

What do you call a man who excels at fishing?

A master baiter

What does a Frog use to fish with?

A TAD POLE.

What do you call a women that catches fish?

Annette

Why was the fish processing factory built beside the computer factory?

So that they could make fish and chips.

What do you call a fish that stands out?

Out of plaice.

What kind of fish has two knees?

A tunee fish.

What fish goes up the river at 100mph?

A motor pike!

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?

Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

What sort of net is useless for catching fish?

A football net!

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?

Damn!

What do you call a fish in a hurry?

Salman Rushdie.

What type of fish needs to be tuned?

Tune a fish

What did the fish say for stinking up the sushi restaurant?

I am saury.

Why did the water level in the pond rise?

Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies.

What's the best way to catch a fish?

Have someone throw it at you.

What sort of dance do fish do at parties?

The conga!

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?

A harenet.

What fish only swims at night?

A starfish!

What kind of fish loves to fix instruments?

A tuna.

Where did the fish go when it needed an operation?

To the sturgeon

Why did the fisherman keep taking off?

Because he was fly fishing.

What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader?

I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes... A FSHHH

What fish do road-menders use?

Pneumatic krill!

What do you call a fish without eyes?

A FSSSSSHHHH

What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common?

They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.

Why do little girls put fishes down their pants?

So the can smell like big girls!

What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?

DAM!

How do you tune a fish?

With its scales!

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish?

Swimming trunks

What kind of fish is made of just two atoms?

2 Na

What TV game show do fish like best?

Name that tuna!

Why should you bring two Mormons with you when you go fishing?

Because if you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.

Which fish can perform operations?

A Sturgeon!

What fish sounds like a telephone?

Herring herring...herring herring...herring herring.

What do sea monsters have for dinner?

Fish and ships.

How do the fish get to school?

By octobus!

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

LONG) Damn.

How do we know that Apes are like fish after a rainstorm?

They'll both bite at anything!

How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.

How did the musician catch his fish?

He castanet

What's the most musical part of a fish?

Its scales.

What do you call the fisherman that's always handling the pole while fishing?

The Master Baiter.

What is a pirates favourite part of a fish?

The aye

How do fish go into business?

The start on a small scale!

What did the fish have to pay to get past the coral reef?

Atoll.

Why didn't the fisherman go to Florida to fish for long jawed fish with rows of razor like teeth?

He didn't have a Gar

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?

A. You can't tuna fish.

Why aren't fish good tennis players?

They don't like getting close to the net!

Which fish go to heaven when they die?

Angelfish!

What did the fish skeleton say?

Long time, no sea.

What do you call a fish that operates on brains?

A brain sturgeon.

What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband right before she got on the Challenger Shuttle?

Honey you feed the dog I'll feed the fish.

What did the black cat say to the fish?

I've got a bone to pick with you!

What did the one fish in the tank say to the other?

Do you know how to drive this thing

What fish is the most valuable?

A goldfish.

What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work?

I'll catch you later!

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What word starts with F and ends in uck?

Firetruck. The answer is Firetruck.

What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?

FIRETRUCK.

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?

She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

When did this start?

And the gentleman replies, "When did what start "

Sea Jokes More Sea Jokes

What's a pirrrate's favorite letterrr?

R?" NOOO!!! It's the Sea!!!

What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Flag Jokes More Flag Jokes

What are some benefits to living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

What are the advantages to living in Switzerland?

Their flag is a big plus.

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What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol?

Xanax since he's a Bartender

What did the man who ate a clock say?

That was time consuming but I still want seconds.

Long Time Jokes More Long Time Jokes

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up?

Slow clap.

People Jokes More People Jokes

Why are you letting people touch your new born?

I don't let people touch my new iPhone

What should you do when people talk behind your back?

Fart

Eden Jokes More Eden Jokes

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

A. They were really put out.

What makes fish smell?

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."