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Russian Jokes

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree

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What does a whistle-blower do during a Russian blizzard?

Nothing, he's Snowden.

Why was the chicken Russian?

To get to the other side.

What room is it?

When you arrive at the international airport you are American. There is a room that changes your nationality. When you enter this room you are Russian, when you leave this room you are Finnish, and while inside European. What room is it?

What is the most painful Russian dance?

Tchaikovsky's.

What happens when you wear radioactive Russian underpants?

Cher nob'll fall out.

What do you call a Russian barber?

A Brussian.

How do Russian sprinters train?

They put a bottle of vodka 100 meters away from them.

How do you get out of a Russian prison?

You have Vladmir Putin a word for you.

What's an emo's favorite game?

Russian roulette, except with a full chamber.

What's the difference between a Russian Potato and a U.S. Potato?

The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.

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What's a Russian leader's favorite food?

Vladimir Poutine.

Why did the cosmonaut forget to pack extra underwear?

Because he was Russian.

What happens if Russians fall from an Afghan boat?

They sue Kabul Yacht.

Why did the dyslexic, Russian astronomer hate the revolution?

He was following the Tsar.

Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

What's the most popular Russian streaming service?

Nyetflix

Why are firetrucks red?

You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always Russian around.

What is a hipster Russian roulette?

You got six cookies and five of them is gluten free.

What's the Russian word for water?

Vodka

Why did the man get kicked out of the "Russian" bar?

Because he walked in.

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What's a Russian's favorite service provider?

Sprint.

What do Russians call their barbers?

Combrade

Why did the Russians send a dog to space to die?

Because they didn't Lajka.

How do Russians put windows in?

Putin Windows duh.

What will Russians be cooking for Thanksgiving...?

Turkey

Why was WWI so short?

Because they were Russian... Why was WWII so long? They were Stalin...

What does a Russian use to wipe their mouth?

A soviet

Why are the Soviets Russian?

Because there's no Stalin.

What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?

Electricity.

What's the Russian word for Internet outage?

Internjet

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What did the computer say to the pirate?

Want to date hot Russians!

Why is Quicksilver so fast?

Because he's Russian

What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles?

Electricity.

Why is Vladimir Putin always Russian?

Because he's never Finnish.

Why couldn't the Soviet Union get anything done?

They were always either Russian or Stalin.

What nationality are Sprinters?

They Russian. I'll also see myself out.

What's a Russian's favorite Italian dish?

Pepperoni Picza!

Why do Russians celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January?

Cause eight reindeer and a sleigh are a lot quicker than 6 pigs and a stoneboat.

What did Vladimir name his member?

Put-in. (In a Russian accent)

What do you call a secret agent running for the bus?

A Russian spy.

What is the name of your Russian coworker you see the next day?

C. U. Tomorov

How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change?

Nyet long. He's always Russian.

How do Russians drive to Alaska?

By bearing straight

Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?

Because he was a cagey bee agent.

Why are people leaving the Ukraine?

I don't know but they sure are Russian.

What would LMFAO's hit song be called if they were Russian?

I'm Slavic and I know it

What do you call a Russian bull?

A Moscow

Why was Edward stuck at the Russian airport?

Because he was Snowden.

Why did the Crimean run across the Street?

Because he was Russian

Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?

One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

How can you tell which Russian olympic spectators are actually KGB agents?

The ones with food.

Why shouldn't you wear Russian underwear?

Because Chernobyl fall-out.

Why did the Russians lose the space race?

Their rocket kept Stalin!

Why did the Soviets decide to be Russian?

Cuz they got tired of Stalin.

Why did Tim Tebow's mom protest against the Russian soup truck?

It contained a borscht ton.

Why did the Russian man get food poisoning?

Because NE-coli.

What's the best language to describe the hectic holiday shopping season?

Russian

Where do Russians stream movies from?

Nyetflix.

What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast?

Head Russian...

What's a Russian's favorite golf club?

A putin wedge.

What did the Russian man say to the boy after he did nice for someone?

That was *Cher-i-nobyl* of you

How does a Russian catch fish?

A niet!

What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his vodka to fast?

Stop "Russian"

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz

What's the Russian royalty's favorite type of fish?

Czar-dines!

Why is Russia a very fast country?

Because the people are always Russian!

What are Russian clothes always made out of?

Lenin.

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

What's a Russian's favorite snack?

Chechen Nuggets

How do Russians watch online movies?

Nyetflix!

Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?

Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. In Russia, light bulb changes you.

What kind of people are always in a damn hurry?

Russians

What's the similarity between video games and roulette?

Very fun until it goes Russian.

Why should you never buy Russian jeans?

Chernobyl fallout

What do you call a fissure in the earth that houses old Russian rulers who like to mock others ironically?

Tsar-Chasm

Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school?

He was Russian.

Where do the Russian separatists go to complain about their lives?

Crimea River

What did the Russian athlete say when he was stung by a mosquito during the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro?

Zika blyat

What do you call 2 White Russians and a Jager bomb?

A Boston Marathon.

How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate?

By reading street signs.

What do the Russians use to film their war with Isis?

Daeshcams

Why did the chess master order a Russian bride?

He needed a Chech mate!

What is the difference between Russian Optimist Pessimist and Realist?

An Optimist learns German. A Pessimist learns Chinese. A Realist learns AK-47.

What does the bride of a Russian man get on her wedding night that's long and hard?

A new last name.

How did the man get stuck at the Russian airport?

He got snowden.

Who was saved?

The Russian people

What does a Russian burglar wear?

In a Russian accent) robber boots

Why did the American spend an entire winter in a Russian hotel?

They say he was snowed in.

Why wasn't Vladimir late?

He was Russian.

What do Russian women get from their husbands that's long and hard on their wedding night?

His last name.

Why do Russians go crazy over pho?

Because... they are so viet *ba dum tss*

What did Russian judge say to the jury?

I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

What's the name of the Russian Bee Gees cover band?

KGBGs

How does a Russian count '1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi...'?

1 CCCP, 2 CCCP, 3 CCCP... Iwillseemyselfout

Where do you send bad Russian cows?

The Moolag

What do you call Russian trees?

Dimitrees

Why is Putin Always early?

Because hes Russian (rush-en)

Where does a Russian bird sleep?

IN A COMMU-NEST

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Why does a VC always enter a room backwards?

To keep an eye on the exit

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What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree

What do you call Russian trees?

Dimitrees

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What nationality are Sprinters?

They Russian. I'll also see myself out.

What's his nationality?

He's a Babylonian.

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What do you call an Ent prince who betrays his dad?

Treason

Why did the tree go to jail?

Treason

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What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

The placement of the dirt bag.

What is the difference between a JCB and a giraffe?

One has hydraulics the other has high bolics.

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How many /r/Jokes mods does it take to change a light bulb?

Removed

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One but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

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What is your Problem?

Darren: Suffering from Unlimited Free Outgoings with Different Different Ringtones...:-):-D

Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas