Think Jokes

Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

Who else have gone through this Sarcasm?

Me: Baby, I was thinking about you so sending you She: Thanks for Thinking

Who?

Knock Knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 Who? I thought you said you would never forget!

What do Greek teenagers say?

Omega!! Note: surely it already exists but I thought of it independently and am proud of my terrible joke!

Who is Superman's brother?

Supperman. Or his kid Soup-erman. One just gets to dinner on time and the other is really good and making soup. E: I thought of it in it in a dream so thats why its not so good

March Madness Sale

What's a Monk's favorite breakfast food?

Well, they're vegetarians so probably not what you're thinking...

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund. credit to (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?

Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)

What does a conspiracy theorist say when he breaks up with someone?

I think we should start seeing other sheeple.

What is a Brit's favorite letter?

You'd think it would be "T", but it is "U". *Favourite, btw.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

What's a pirate's favourite Roman numeral?

You might think it's II, but his true love be the C.

What do you think of Theresa May?

I'm more of a L'Oreal fan

Why did the Seven Dwarves fire Snow White as their Foreman at the mine?

They thought she was micromanaging them!

What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?

I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

March Madness Sale

Why did France really surrender to Germany?

Just thought of this earlier in the shower... Had gas ever since.

Why did the blonde feminist want to be cremated when she died?

She thought a traditional burial would be too bio-degrading.

What did King George think of the American colonists?

He thought they were revolting!

What's the difference between Jesus and Bono?

Jesus doesn't think he's Bono

Who sang the song "my own worst enemy"?

Them: I think it's Lit Me: I mean I like the song but I wouldn't call it lit...

What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?

It's "popcorn"! What were you thinking?!

Who do you think cares?

Nobody. They're too angry at the mods at to care.

What's a pirates favourite letter?

You may think it's "Arrr", but nay, his first love be the "C".

How do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the Schrodinger's cat paradox?

By thinking outside the box

Why does Pokémon have only one save file per game?

I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)

Where do Robots go for fun?

The Circuits! (this is a joke i made up when i was like 10, i don't think it ever caught on)

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work 8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here

What did the sarcastic left hand say to the right hand?

You always think you're right!

Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks?

Because he thought it wood look better!

What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?

Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.

Why hasn't there been a Mexican Disney Princess?

Because everyone would just think it's a quinceaera

What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert?

Don't stop! Be leaving!" Just a joke I thought up the other day.

Why are millionaires bad at swimming?

Because they drown at their own wealth Edit: I got down voted :(I thought of that in my head and just wanted to share it

Why did I throw my phone out of my window?

Because I turned on airplane mode, and thought it would turn my Iphone into a plane...

How does Mario talk to the dead?

With a Luigi board. Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.

What does a mole think, when he digs trough lower Austria?

Make way, children.

Why do molluscs only think of themselves?

Because they're shellfish

Which is the best kind of dinosaur to play hide & seek with?

An I-Don't-Think- He-Saurus

Why should the Pope play NBA basketball?

Because every time he puts up a prayer it gets answered. (I thought of this myself, but it is so corny, it could easily be in every damn joke book.)

Why did you leave me here all alone?

Where o where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found some one You met a zombie and pblblthpth you were gone.

Why did the movie scene have a rusty pan?

Because Rusty thought the scene in the book was better.

What did the ventriloquist say to their friend?

Nothing. He's mute. I don't even think he's as ventriloquist.

What did the critic think of German food?

Their sausages are the wurst.

What did the Mtis people think of the look on Stephen Harper's face when he lost the election?

They though it was Riel funny!

Why do pessimists always think it's the weekend?

Because every day is a sadder-day.

Whats a Pirates favorite letter?

Ya'll think it's the Arrr but it be the Ceeee

What pets think about their owners?

A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.

Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?

Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.

Who's There?.........9/11.....9/11 Who?

I thought you said you'd never forget....

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

Why did the inventor of panadol think I had no parents?

I said I'm an orphan.

How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead

Why did the pirate go to Ireland?

He thought he was going to Arrrland.

What do you call a dead skunk?

A stunk. My daughter made this up when she was about 7 years old. I thought it was incredible clever.

What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

Everyone thinks it's 'R', but his first love be the 'C'.

What do you call a potato that thinks he is in charge?

A Dictator

How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend?

Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?

How does Walter Palmer like his eggs?

Poached. Thank you, I'm here all week. EDIT: this got no upvotes and I don't think it deserved any

Why is it called Justice League of America?

Do they follow territorial boundaries? If the Kaos Kommandos start a brawl in El Paso and it rolls over into Juarez, do they say "screw it, let Justice League of Mexico handle it"? (Sorry if this isn't technically a joke; it was my shower thought this morning and I thought it was funny.)

What did Reddit almost change their name to during the Victoria controversy?

Blueit. -just thought of it, sorry its a little late to the party

What do a married guy and a single guy have in common?

They both think the other one gets laid more.

What would be the best color to make a joke about?

I was thinking black, but I'm not sure it would work?

Why does Bob Seger always laugh when he plays chess?

He thinks it's funny how the Knight moves.

What do schizophrenic people think when they say an insensitive joke?

That sounded a lot better in my head

What do you think Michael Hastings was working on before he died?

Slowing down his car....... shoutout to for this one.

Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate?

He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.

What's Justin Bieber's favorite make of car?

Voltz-swaggin. I thought of this myself and I am so, so sorry.

What did the vertebrate say to the invertebrate?

Always thought you was a bit spineless.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

What thinks the unthinkable?

An itheberg.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving

Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated?

Because he thought people were taking him for granite.

What did the little black kid think when he got diarrhea?

He was melting

How do you troll someone?

Make them wipe their screen because they think text is a smudge.

What does R. Kelly have in common with Malaysian Airlines?

They both think they can fly.

How many Tenors does it take to screw in a Lightbulb?

Trick Question. They only think they can reach that high.

Why couldn't the physicist understand how boats work?

He thought nothing could possibly travel faster than sea.

What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?

After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."

How did King George view the colonists?

He thought they were revolting

Why did the man drowning in the river think he wasn't going to die?

He was in de-Nile.

How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?

The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".

Why did the man drowning in the Nile River think he wasn't going to die?

Because he was in de-Nile.

How did the private eye use math to find the intent of the crime?

He solved for y! Thought this one up myself and thought it was post worthy

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