Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?

They take things literally

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What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?

Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs

Where's the genie?

Takes off lampshade* What's wrong with this thing

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How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs?

He was delighted.

Why should you never laugh at thieves in a car-accident?

It could be your car

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What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

What did the black hole say to the pulsar?

I don't think you understand the gravity of your situation

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What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.