What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component?

This guy!

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Why is Max always late?

Hey guys be here at 8:15 pm, max 8:30"

What the hell is an Ovechkin?

The guy says "It's a White Russian with no ice and no cup!"

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What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?

ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...

How to ruin a joke on Reddit?

Misspell the paunch line.

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Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

Why is a change machine easy to understand?

It makes cents.

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Which service do you require?

Me: Oh! Don't mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.

What's the difference between Swine flu, and Bird flu?

One requires 'oinkment' and the other needs 'tweetment'. i'm sorry.

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Who has two thumbs and wears a mask?

Disguise!

What has two thumbs and got laid last night?

My hands.