Guy Jokes

At an Australian parliament meeting, two guys were shouting back and forth and one said: "I am a country member!" and the other said: "Oh, I remember!"

What did the shooting range instructor say to the guy in a wheelchair?

Parachute

Why can't an IT guy be a doctor?

Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange... Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front porch?

Matt. Others:

Why are sewer covers called manholes?

If they were called womanholes, guys would keep trying to get in.

What did the guy on LSD say while driving on the highway?

Woah, the traffic is moving.

Why does noone listen ever to the guy who talks with his mouth full?

He is so misunderstood.

How will an IT guy fix a lamp?

He'll restart the nuclear power plant

What did they give the guy who invented the doorknocker?

A no-bell prize

Who has one thumb and survived a band saw accident?

This guy!!!

What do a burnt pizza and a pregnant woman have in common?

The guy didn't pull it out fast enough!

Why doesn't the guy with OCD ever get laid?

Because when he turns his girlfriend on he has to turn her off again three times.

What did they say about the guy who woke up and jerked off on his alarm clock every day?

He always came on time.

What does the guy who has been backpacking just a bit too long miss most about home?

A home-cooked shower.

How many of you guys experienced this?

Damn! I don't have spare keys either.

Why are so many guys mean to their girl friends?

Because of the.

What do you call a guy with no hair named Gary?

Garibaldi

Why can't guys do the splits?

The banana gets in the way. Banana split

Why was the guy wearing the fedora upset?

Because you didn't ask him what band he's in.

What do you call the guy who envies his friend's gelatin?

Jello-us

Why is Windows going from 8 to 10?

Because 7 ate 9. Credit to a guy I work with.

What do you call a guy who plays Fallout?

A Fall Out Boy.

What do you call a guy in a lot of debt?

Owen.

Why should I shave my downstairs?

Guy: Because I don't like hair in my food.

What do you call a guy who makes "women in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

What did the guy who liked mustard say when he opened his fridge and saw no mustard?

You mustard be joking!

How many IT guys does it take to Fix a printer?

Three, one suggests to check if it is plug in, another recommends to reboot the printer, and finally one to check to see if the printer had paper and laugh about how easy the solution was.

What do you call a guy with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

Why did the guy get aroused by the highway?

Because there were lots of turn ons.

How many ways are there to please a guy?

Three way.

What is the difference?

What its the difference between a quarter and a guy? Neither gets had when you want tail

What do you call a nice guy with hemorrhoids?

A stand up guy

Why was my boss surprised to see me screwing with the IT guy?

They said IT couldn't be done

What are some good Asian jokes you know?

I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.

Why didn't the art thief get away?

Because he didn't have to Monet to pay the Guy to make the Van Gogh.

How many guys in the friend zone does it take to light a light bulb?

None, they just stand around complimenting it, and get mad when it won't screw.

What do you call a guy with no arms and not legs laying on a porch?

Matt

Why is it so difficult for women to find a man who is sensitive, caring, and good looking?

All of those guys already have boyfriends.

What has 3 thumbs and was born near a nuclear power plant?

This guy

What did the IT guy say to his wife after she complained about their love life?

Did you try turning me off and on again?

What are you looking for buddy?

Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose:

What does a burning Mexican farm smell like?

Tacos. Overheard an old man telling another guy how he lost his farm in Mexico, and how the smell reminded him of tacos.

What's the difference between an Art major and a guy who mops bathrooms at KFC?

One has a job.

What do you call a guy that never farts in public?

A privet tutor

What did Pythagoras say about the pyramid scheme?

He just couldn't find the guys angle!

What is a guy who rubs bear toes called?

Rob...wait for it... erto! Rubeartoe!

What's a hippie's favorite animal?

An elk It has the E, the L, and the K. Would like to hear some more if you guys have any.

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his arse?

Warren

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

What rock group has four guys and no singers?

Mt. Rushmore! Happy Presidents Day!

What do you call the guy you buy your weed from?

Your chron-tact.

What is it called when a guy called Justin gets justice?

Justinice.

How many people does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Just one guy with a really weird fetish.

Why are there no Walmarts in Syria?

Because there is a target on every corner. Guys, this syriaous.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?

Frank

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. Infinite Jest, by DFW

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs driving a car?

Rex (made this one up myself!)

What's a joke that you invented?

Here's mine: Did you hear about the guy who had to snort a line of baking soda every day? He was basically addicted.

What is a guy who hangs out with musicians called?

A singer

What do you call a girl who only likes guys with big muscles?

A Biceptual

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly rancher! Hahahahahahahahah you guys have no idea how alone I am.

What do you say to a guy with kidney stones?

Urine trouble!

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

Some guy sitting up all night wondering if there really is a dog

How does a guy prove he's tough?

He jogs home after his vasectomy.. Fairly old, vasectomies may not be so bad any longer.

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Football Team Jokes More Football Team Jokes

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?

Bring on their subs!

When my family says things like...why don't you have kids yet?

I say "Because I didn't get drunk & do the football team, Sasha."

Long Time Jokes More Long Time Jokes

What's next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

Whats the difference between a guy who has a new Mercedes and a guy who has an old Mercedes?

The guy who has a new Mercedes is rich. The guy who has an old Mercedes has been rich for a longer time.

Yellow House Jokes More Yellow House Jokes

Who lives there?

The yellow man lives in the yellow house. The purple man lives in the purple house. The red man in the red house. And the blue man in the blue house. So who lives in the White House? The black man. It's better in person, I'm so sorry.

Answer Jokes More Answer Jokes

How many consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I'm not sure but I'll have an answer for you next Monday.

How long does a United States Congressman serve?

Until he gets caught.

Baseball Team Jokes More Baseball Team Jokes

What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A baseball team

What do you call the baseball team made out of Pokemon?

The New York Mankeys!

French Jokes More French Jokes

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

Guy Jokes

What do you call the guy who manages my apartment building?

Couple's Daily Question Mug

What do you call a guy who wants to join the mile high club by himself?

Who is he?

Why did the guy spend the entire day throwing out his surplus of herbs?

What do you call a guy who hangs around a bunch of musicians?

What do you call a guy with no musical talent that hangs out with the band?

What happened to the guy who farted in church?

What's the difference between a guy with carry on luggage and a photon?

What do you call a guy with no shins?

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Why is Max always late?

Love Card

Whats the difference between a guy who has a new Mercedes and a guy who has an old Mercedes?

What did Plaxico Burress say when he read Colin Kaepernick's Tweets?

Why was the guy from 127 Hours arrested for espionage?

What did the woman say to the guy in Naval intelligence?

What happens when a guy from Finland dies?

How many IT guys does it take to change a light bulb?

What did the lead singer of The Prodigy say to the guy parking his Mini Cooper?

What does an IT guy use for birth control?

What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

What did the feminist say when she saw a guy laughing at her picture on the Internet?

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

What was the last thing the snowboarder ever said?

How do you guys feel about that new drug-resistant superbug?

What did one French Guy say to another French Guy?

What do you call a guy who falls into a Yellowstone hot spring?

What does a guy from Philly dunk his pretzel in?

What's a rock group with four guys that don't sing?

What do you call a guy who stands under a bull?

What begins with an "s", ends with a "x" and leaves a guy blown away?

What do you call two guys above a window?

What do you call two guys on a pair of curtains?

Your Age Is Only Math

What happened to the guy who ingested helium?

What do you call a guy who likes touching unripened cheese?

What do you call a guy with two marijuanas?

What do you call a guy who wears two condoms?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?

How could I forget, mate?