Thing Jokes

Reflect! I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'

What's the first thing you know?

Old Jed's a millionaire.

What is the first thing they teach you at Gardening school?

WATERRR THOOOOOSSSSSEEEEE!!!!

Why do Nuns always wear the same thing?

It's a habit.

Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?

And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

What's the only thing worse than finding a roach in your food?

Finding half of a roach in your food.

What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!

Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work?

Well, it worked with the slaves.

What is that thing, which the maker cannot use, and the user cannot see?

Coffin

Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?

They take things literally

What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson.

What is the only thing easier to break than a Razer headset?

Your sister's hymen.

What did capital 'O' say to capital 'Q'?

Hey, put that thing back in your trousers!

What do you call a dead chicken that likes to throw things?

A geist. Thanks! I will show myself out.

What's the difference between certain and uncertain?

Well, one things for sure

What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday?

A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.

Why are photos in Latvia always such good quality?

There's no such thing as potato quality there.

What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory?

Give it two test-tickles!

What is the one thing wrong with a Piles joke?

It doesn't sit well.

Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?

Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!

What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

That thing sure is cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

When you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

What was the last thing that went through JFK Jr's mind when his plane crashed?

The console. What was JFK Jr's wife drinking when the plane crashed? Ocean Spray.

What's the only thing worse than a poop joke?

A corny poop joke. You can really visualize it.

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

What's funny about majorities?

Most things.

What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?

Yes, I'm completely sure.

What's the one thing make a wish foundation can't give you?

The cure

What did Kris Kross tell the nervous paratrooper?

Tell her you're a paratrooper. Chicks dig that kind of thing.

How do Eskimos make things stick together?

Igloo

What do reddit fans and Apple fans have in common?

They both like seeing the same thing a year later.

Why do men stare at a woman's breasts?

To prove they can focus on two things at once.

How do blind people know where to find Braille signs on walls and doors?

They just have a feel for that kind of thing.

What did the physicist say to the depressed hippy?

There's no such thing as negative energy

What did Tennessee?

The same thing Arkansas

What's the thing in common between your girlfriend starting the pill and the muisic group Europe?

It's the final condom... Ta da da da...

What is the last thing you want to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson' Credit: old joke via: Norm Macdonald

What do you call the things on the end of Winnie the Pooh's feet?

Putos (Ask your Mexican friend)

Why is Thors bother so secretive?

Because he tries to keep things Loki...

Why do beaches not get sarcasm?

Because they always take things littorally

Why is there no such thing as an epileptic exhibitionist?

Because flashing gives them seizures.

What do you call a policeman with a thing for MLP?

A clop cop.

What's the only thing better than a gold medal at the Paralympics?

Legs

What was the last thing that Columbus said to his sailors before getting on the ship?

Okay men, get on the ship.

What's the only thing better than Roses on a Piano?

Tulips on an Organ.

Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a car windscreen?

Its arse.

Whats the last thing you give a tickle me Elmo before it leaves the factory?

Two test-tickles.

What's the only thing the English and French agree on?

Americans. Alternatives: What's the only thing Americans and the French agree on? The English. What's the only thing the English and Americans agree on? The French.

What is a Freudian slip?

A Freudian slip is when someone says one thing when thinking of amother.

What's one thing Lance Armstrong can still make money from?

LIESTRONG bracelets.

What two things should people stop shaking because shaking hurts these things development?

Polaroid Integral Film and Babies

What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?

She puts her clothes back on and goes home.

How do lesbians keep things interesting in the bedroom?

They think outside the box.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an atheist, an insomniac?

A person that lays awake late at night and ponders if there's such a thing as a dog.

What is the difference between a sociopath and a buddhist?

A sociopath sees people as things a buddhist sees things as people.

What is the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the Battered Women's Shelter?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

How many Nickelback fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Trick question! There's no such thing as Nickelback fans. (I will be hated by few)

What is the last thing a tossed salad says to itself before being devoured by a human?

Lettuce pray

Whats the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?

Two test tickles.

How many Environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they will never change a thing.

What is the last thing that tickle-me Elmo gets before he leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

Why have you got cotton wool in your ears do you have an infection?

Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!

Why sugars are very unhappy these days?

It is sweet but still is not getting added do any thing!

How are babies like hinges?

They are things to adore

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