Thing Jokes

Reflect! I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'

What is one thing you never say to a Muslim?

Share ya laws.

What's the first thing you know?

Old Jed's a millionaire.

What is the first thing they teach you at Gardening school?

WATERRR THOOOOOSSSSSEEEEE!!!!

Why do Nuns always wear the same thing?

It's a habit.

Why do white people think they can say the N word?

Because it is the only thing left that still belongs to black people.

Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?

And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

What's the only thing worse than finding a roach in your food?

Finding half of a roach in your food.

What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!

How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

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Thing Jokes

Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

What were the last things going through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?

What's the biggest difference between Intel and AMD?

What do you call a person that raises the dead and also had a thing for napes?

Whats the last thing you want to see when youre shagging the wife?

What's a rabbi's favorite type of bar?

What two things look exactly the opposite but mean exactly the same?

What did the road say to the chicken?

What was the last thing Beethoven accomplished?

What's the only thing you can say when the Chinese Restaurant over booked your reservation?

What do my iPhone and my girlfriend have in common?

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

What's the difference between a terrorist and a feminist?

What's the difference between astronomy and gastronomy?

What do you call someone who takes things literally?

What kind of animal can record video?

What was the last thing that went through Paul Walker's mind before he died?

What do you call a lawmaker in a society ruled by horses that says one thing but does the opposite?

What was the last thing the snowboarder ever said?

What's the difference between Britain and Australia?

Why do men like breasts so much?

What is atheism?

How do you know the high heel was invented by men?

What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

Why do they put half of the instructions in Spanish?

Whats the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?

Where does Bran Stark keep his things?

Why are most reactionists black?

Why do women love chocolate?

Why did the arborist plant new pine trees on their front lawn?

What is the first thing you feel when you shoot a baby with a gun?

How is an easily-offended person like a broken GPS?

What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana's head?

What is the one thing you can't say even on the internet?

What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal?

What's one thing the Hulk would struggle tearing down?

What's the one thing missing from the offensive jokes on r/jokes?

How do attractive men pay for things?

What's the only thing that grows in Oakland?

Whats the first thing you do when you spill something on your keyboard?

What is that thing called when your crush likes you back?

What was the first thing the stowaway to Mars said after he landed?

What is the difference between Stephen Hawking and his E-Wheelchair?

What's the only thing better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

What's the most common activity people do while wearing safety vests?

What is one thing you never say to a Muslim?

What's the first thing you know?

What is the first thing they teach you at Gardening school?

Why do Nuns always wear the same thing?

Why do white people think they can say the N word?

Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?

What's in Heaven and Hell?

What's the only thing worse than finding a roach in your food?

What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy?

How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work?

What's the last thing a Tickle-Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?

What's the first thing a redneck buys when going to a family reunion?

What was the last thing that went through the hostages head?

What is that thing, which the maker cannot use, and the user cannot see?

Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?

What was the last thing that went through Lady Diana's head, moments before the crash?

What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson?

What is the only thing easier to break than a Razer headset?

What was the last thing that went through the Sandy Hook child's mind?

What's the first thing you do when attacked by a gang of clowns?

What did capital 'O' say to capital 'Q'?

What do you call a dead chicken that likes to throw things?

What's the difference between certain and uncertain?

What's the last thing the ISIS fighters' wife said before she blew herself up?

What was the first thing Abraham Lincoln told his friends when they asked him how he got an STD?

What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday?

Why are photos in Latvia always such good quality?

What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory?

What is the worst part about going to Auschwitz?

What is the one thing wrong with a Piles joke?

Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?

What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?