British Jokes

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

What language do British wrenches speech?

Spanish!

What is a British person's favorite cereal?

Cheerios. say it in a British accent

What do the British say when they're flirting?

U wan'a m8?

What do you call a British dinosaur?

A tea rex.

Why are the British known for keeping a stiff upper lip?

Because it hides their teeth.

What drove the British mystery fan insane?

He lost his Marples.

What's the difference between a tea cup and pea cup?

A teacup is what the British drink out of and a pea cup is what the Mexicans drive.

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Whats the least paying job?

British dentist.

What does a member of the British Royal Family say when they are reaching climax?

I"m arriving, I'm arriving."

What does a British man say when he's about to climax?

I'm arriving

What's the best way for an American to lose weight?

Gamble in British currency.

What is the British equivalent of wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am?

Honey!" Nut "Cheerio!"

What's the difference between watts and ohms?

Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

How do you greet a British programmer named Cathryn?

Allo-cate

Why is it so confusing to play chess with the British?

It's only check, mate

What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?

Paul stop monkeying around!

How do you find a British person in a crowd?

1. Shout 0800 00 2. Wait for them to shout 1066.

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What's that diving?

Is it a bird, Is it a plane... No it's the British Pound...

What does British toilet paper and John Wayne have in common?

It's rough, and tough, and doesn't take any crap.

Why was Timothy, the British astronaut, selected to go to the ISS?

He was in Peake condition.

Why didn't British explorers dig latrines?

They had pith helmets.

Why'd the British man cross the ocean?

Freedom.

What is the difference between British and American schoolchildren?

British schoolchildren survive hide-and-seek.

What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move?

Nah, mastay

What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?

Mind the GAAP.

What did the British proton say after 5 cups of coffee?

I feel positively charged!

How do you distinguish a French tank from a British tank?

The rear-view mirrors

Why are all ants British?

Because they colonize.

What's better than having a 'Brexit' vote about Britain leaving the EU?

Not being British.

How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

What's a British student's favourite drink?

M.I.Tea

How do you tell a British guy that it's his turn to play ball?

Europe

What did Stevie Wonder's younger brother think their parents named him after British royalty?

Because they named him Stevie Twoder.

What's the difference between British crisps and foreign crisps?

One are Walkers and the others just Lays around.

What organ do only British people have?

The Eng gland.

What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you?

You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.

How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

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Knee Jokes More Knee Jokes

What birds spend all their time on their knees?

Birds of prey!

Which knee?

Mickey: Disney

British People Jokes More British People Jokes

What's the difference between watts and ohms?

Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

What organ do only British people have?

The Eng gland.

Pronounce Jokes More Pronounce Jokes

Why are there exactly two hundred and thirty nine beans in an Irish Bean Soup?

Because if there were one more, it'd be two forty. (Too farty) This works much better when spoken out loud. The joke how Irish people pronounce "forty."