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British Jokes

What did the American biscuit say to the British biscuit?

Girl you sure are sweet.

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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Your Age Is Only Math

What do you call a British guy who throws a spear through the knee?

Britney Spears

What do you call a British nanny with an MDMA addiction?

Molly Poppins.

How do Jamaicans pronounce bacon?

The same way British people pronounce beer can.

What do British girls do to hearts?

Brexit

What do British people call concrete?

Arsephalt

What's a Korean's favourite take on a traditional British meal?

German Shepherd pie.

What do you call a short sleeved British shirt?

A tea-shirt. Please don't hurt me.

Why aren't there any British Communists?

Because communists believe all proper tea is theft.

Why did the midget who drove British cars get cabin fever?

He was mini cooped up for to long.

How British is Adele?

She would call you at least 1000 times to tell how sorry she is.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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Everyday Deserves a Joke

What is a British Scholar's favorite store?

Finks

What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified?

He gets a little cross.

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

What language do British wrenches speech?

Spanish!

What is a British person's favorite cereal?

Cheerios. say it in a British accent

What do the British say when they're flirting?

U wan'a m8?

What do you call a British dinosaur?

A tea rex.

Why are the British known for keeping a stiff upper lip?

Because it hides their teeth.

What drove the British mystery fan insane?

He lost his Marples.

What's the difference between a tea cup and pea cup?

A teacup is what the British drink out of and a pea cup is what the Mexicans drive.

Birthday State of Mind

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Birthday State of Mind

Whats the least paying job?

British dentist.

What does a member of the British Royal Family say when they are reaching climax?

I"m arriving, I'm arriving."

What does a British man say when he's about to climax?

I'm arriving

What's the best way for an American to lose weight?

Gamble in British currency.

What is the British equivalent of wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am?

Honey!" Nut "Cheerio!"

What's the difference between watts and ohms?

Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

How do you greet a British programmer named Cathryn?

Allo-cate

Why is it so confusing to play chess with the British?

It's only check, mate

What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?

Paul stop monkeying around!

How do you find a British person in a crowd?

1. Shout 0800 00 2. Wait for them to shout 1066.

Love Card

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Love Card

What's that diving?

Is it a bird, Is it a plane... No it's the British Pound...

What does British toilet paper and John Wayne have in common?

It's rough, and tough, and doesn't take any crap.

Why was Timothy, the British astronaut, selected to go to the ISS?

He was in Peake condition.

Why didn't British explorers dig latrines?

They had pith helmets.

Why'd the British man cross the ocean?

Freedom.

What is the difference between British and American schoolchildren?

British schoolchildren survive hide-and-seek.

What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move?

Nah, mastay

What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?

Mind the GAAP.

What did the British proton say after 5 cups of coffee?

I feel positively charged!

How do you distinguish a French tank from a British tank?

The rear-view mirrors

Why are all ants British?

Because they colonize.

What's better than having a 'Brexit' vote about Britain leaving the EU?

Not being British.

How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

What's a British student's favourite drink?

M.I.Tea

How do you tell a British guy that it's his turn to play ball?

Europe

What did Stevie Wonder's younger brother think their parents named him after British royalty?

Because they named him Stevie Twoder.

What's the difference between British crisps and foreign crisps?

One are Walkers and the others just Lays around.

What organ do only British people have?

The Eng gland.

What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you?

You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.

How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

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Cop Jokes More Cop Jokes

Which cop writes poems about ravens?

Edgar Allan Po-Po

Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers?

It's a shifty business.

Bacon Jokes More Bacon Jokes

What will you have, Sir?

Bacon my day, sonny!" Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works

What's slimy, green, and smells like bacon?

Kermits finger.

Heaven Jokes More Heaven Jokes

What's the fastest way to heaven?

It depends on the flight delays.

Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not 3: It's full of dead people.

Beer Jokes More Beer Jokes

Where's the dog?

Flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.

Why don't women drink beer at the beach?

Because they'll get sand in their Schlitz.

Lover Jokes More Lover Jokes

What is the magic word?

Son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case

How many lovers do the religious have?

Nun!

Swiss Jokes More Swiss Jokes

What is good about being Swiss?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

Thing Jokes More Thing Jokes

What's the thing that is about 5-6 inches long, it goes into mouth and when you rub it back and forth it produces a white liquid?

A toothbrush.

Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?

Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!

Jamaican Jokes More Jamaican Jokes

What does a stick of Big Red and a Jamaican prisoner have in common?

Dey both sinna, mon!

What do you call a Jamaican squid?

Calamarley