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Heaven Jokes

Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell?

Easy. More traffic is going to hell.

I Love Pizza & You

I Love Pizza & You

Why did the banjo player get into heaven?

The devil has standards.

Where do children that die home alone go?

HEAVEN!!

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

What's the fastest way to heaven?

It depends on the flight delays.

Why are people with celiac disease more likely to get into heaven?

Because they reject setian.

What's a golfer's favourite song?

Fairway to Heaven

Why is the door to heaven always open?

Because Jesus was born in a barn.

Why is heaven a paradise for the common man?

Because all the politicians are in hell.

Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?

Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

What did Hugh Hefner say when he got to heaven?

Meh

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

What does Debbie Reynolds sing in heaven?

Good mourning, good mourning, good mourning!!!

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

What's gambling like in heaven?

It's a pair-a-dice.

What do you call a sacred, flammable piece of wood?

A match made in Heaven.

What is Robin Williams doing in heaven?

Not sure, probably just hanging out.

Why did the gambler think he was in heaven?

He found his pair a' dice!

What do you call bread from heaven?

100% holy grain

What do you call 2 metalheads falling in love?

A match maiden heaven

$Your Age Is Only Math$

Your Age Is Only Math

Why is manna from heaven like horse hay?

Both are food from aloft!

What do you call a nun who's gone to Heaven?

Nun of the above.

How to you know that cows will be in heaven?

It's a place of udder delight.

What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff

How did the Chinese atheist get to heaven?

Jesus said to him "Behold! I am risen!" and he said "That's nice I don't bereave you."

Why are there no nice cars in heaven?

Because abortions float.

What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven?

The Y2K deadline!

What did the angel say when he saw God make the element Phosphorus?

It's a match made in Heaven!

Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not 3: It's full of dead people.

Why do all black people go to heaven?

The Son is attracted to black

Birthday State of Mind

Birthday State of Mind

Which fish go to heaven when they die?

Angelfish!

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong. The answer was "Nun of the Above".

Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven?

Hell was full.

Why should I let you into heaven?

Me: Once a coworker said "supposably" 7 times in a meeting & I just let her StP: Get in here

What do you call it when seven minutes in heaven is played at Comic-Con?

Close encounters of the nerd kind

Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A Kid replied: The legs... Because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING!!

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Protect Jokes More Protect Jokes

Why do they put chicken wire around these plants?

Other guy:" To protect the chicken plants"

What's a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally, cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom

Devil Jokes More Devil Jokes

What did the Devil say to the being that sold its soul to him?

Nice doing business with you!

Why did the banjo player get into heaven?

The devil has standards.

Stairway Jokes More Stairway Jokes

Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway?

What could go wrong " My son apparently

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Die Jokes More Die Jokes

What did the humanistic psychologist say at Freud's funeral?

He died at such a Jung age.

What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?

Mourning wood.

Cop Jokes More Cop Jokes

Why aren't you allowed to smile when taking your driver IDs?

Because you won't be smiling when the cops pull you over.

How do I know you're not a cop?

If I was a cop, how would I have this " *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good

Play Jokes More Play Jokes

Which four-member rock group doesn't sing or play music?

Mount Rushmore.

Why can't dogs play hockey?

They always get called for roughing.

Bostonian Jokes More Bostonian Jokes

What kind of pants do Bostonians wear?

Car Keys

What do bostonians call dogs that protect heaven's gates?

God dogs

Bear Jokes More Bear Jokes

What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99?

You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday.

What's the first part of a stripper to blow?

The knee. It's a load-bearing joint.