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Heaven Jokes

Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell?

Easy. More traffic is going to hell.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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Everyday Deserves a Joke

Why did the banjo player get into heaven?

The devil has standards.

Where do children that die home alone go?

HEAVEN!!

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

What's the fastest way to heaven?

It depends on the flight delays.

Why are people with celiac disease more likely to get into heaven?

Because they reject setian.

What's a golfer's favourite song?

Fairway to Heaven

Why is the door to heaven always open?

Because Jesus was born in a barn.

Why is heaven a paradise for the common man?

Because all the politicians are in hell.

Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?

Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.

I Love Pizza & You

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I Love Pizza & You

What did Hugh Hefner say when he got to heaven?

Meh

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

What does Debbie Reynolds sing in heaven?

Good mourning, good mourning, good mourning!!!

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

What's gambling like in heaven?

It's a pair-a-dice.

What do you call a sacred, flammable piece of wood?

A match made in Heaven.

What is Robin Williams doing in heaven?

Not sure, probably just hanging out.

Why did the gambler think he was in heaven?

He found his pair a' dice!

What do you call bread from heaven?

100% holy grain

What do you call 2 metalheads falling in love?

A match maiden heaven

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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Your Age Is Only Math

Why is manna from heaven like horse hay?

Both are food from aloft!

What do you call a nun who's gone to Heaven?

Nun of the above.

How to you know that cows will be in heaven?

It's a place of udder delight.

What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff

How did the Chinese atheist get to heaven?

Jesus said to him "Behold! I am risen!" and he said "That's nice I don't bereave you."

Why are there no nice cars in heaven?

Because abortions float.

What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven?

The Y2K deadline!

What did the angel say when he saw God make the element Phosphorus?

It's a match made in Heaven!

Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not 3: It's full of dead people.

Why do all black people go to heaven?

The Son is attracted to black

Love

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Love

Which fish go to heaven when they die?

Angelfish!

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong. The answer was "Nun of the Above".

Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven?

Hell was full.

Why should I let you into heaven?

Me: Once a coworker said "supposably" 7 times in a meeting & I just let her StP: Get in here

What do you call it when seven minutes in heaven is played at Comic-Con?

Close encounters of the nerd kind

Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A Kid replied: The legs... Because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING!!

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Child Jokes More Child Jokes

Why can't priests have children?

Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition?

Ah yes wax would go well with this cake and you know what else Child spit.

Italian Jokes More Italian Jokes

What's a specimen?

An Italian astronaut

How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian?

You switch sides at half time.

Baby Jokes More Baby Jokes

Why are there no pictures of Ted Cruz holding a baby?

They always turn out blurry from him shaking them.

What's big, thick, hairy, and makes babies?

Your mom.

Nun Jokes More Nun Jokes

What do nuns use for skincare?

Extra virgin oil.

How many pretty girls are there at a monastery?

Nun.

Woman Jokes More Woman Jokes

What do you use when you are drowning in women?

A flirtation device.

What do the woman from southern California and the clouds over the Pacific coast have in commen?

They're both Marine layers

Devil Jokes More Devil Jokes

Why did the devil buy so many shoes?

He wanted their soles.

How do you know the devil is white?

Because he owns hell, he doesn't work for hell.

Answer Jokes More Answer Jokes

What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany?

Uncertainty or indifference ' He answered: I don't know and I don't care!'

Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?

Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.

Window Jokes More Window Jokes

Why Romeo could not meet Juliet at an Apple Store?

Poor Juliet! Did not know Apple stores don't have Windows!

What's the difference between Wendy's and Windows?

Wendy's is never frozen.