God Jokes

What song do turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?

God save the kin.

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What do bostonians call dogs that protect heaven's gates?

God dogs

What's the difference between a doctor and God?

God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.

Why nuns don't wear bras?

God supports everything.

What do you call the god of cheese?

Cheesus

Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge?

Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.

What do Spanish Muslims call their God?

Ollah!

How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars?

Well... If it's any constellation...

What does the son of God do when he is the victim of medical malpractice?

Jesus

What do you call it when an eclipse occurs?

When God forgets to pay the electricity bill.

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What did the ancient Egyptian cheerleader chant?

THERE IS ONE GOD, HE IS THE SUN GOD! RA! RA! RA!

Why was Jesus not Mexican?

No matter how hard God looked, he could not find three wise men or a virgin anywhere in Mexico

What's the atheist's view on God?

Nahweh.

What did the Roman say when the Greek accused him of stealing his gods?

It was all a myth-take!

Why wasn't the son of God worried when Microsoft Word crashed while he was writing his term paper?

Because Jesus saves.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What console does god use?

Praystation

What do we say to the god of procrastination?

Not today.

Why did religion cross the road?

God is the answer.

Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan?

Because Satan has more politicians to help him.

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How is marriage and CPR training the same?

You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again

Why did God bless Texas?

He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.

What kind of car does god drive?

A Christler

What did the sun god say in apology for all he had done wrong?

I Apollogize".

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God knows he's not a surgeon.

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

How does god receive prayers?

Knee-mail

What's the difference between a statesman and a politician?

A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman.

What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time?

I'm Thor

What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for?

Hallmark. God cares enough to send the very best.

Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?

She was taking god's name in vein.

Why does Saturn have rings?

God really liked it so he put rings on it.

What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed?

God bless America.

What do you call a bone that disrespects God?

A Blasfemur

Who has more money than God?

His Ex-Wife.

Who would won in a wrestling match?

Lemmy or God? Trick question, lemmy is god... R.I.P. Edit* win not won damnit...

What did I do before Twitter?

Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY!!

What did God say after she made Eve?

Practice makes perfect.

What does Clint Eastwood say to God every morning?

Go Ahead Make My Day

Why There is No Readhead in Hell?

God does not punish twice.

Why does God like Swiss cheese?

It's holey! get it

How do you make God laugh?

Tell him your plans.

What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence?

An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.

What do you do when you want to golf in a thunderstorm?

Hold up a 1 Iron. Not even God can hit a 1 iron.

How do we know that God isn't a woman?

Because we're not all sandwiches

Why does God love atheists?

Because they don't bother Him with incessant prayer.

What do you get when you cross dancing and an act of god?

Deus Ex Macarena

What's the difference between God and an electrician?

God doesn't think **he's** an electrician.

Why did God put the ring on Saturn?

Because he liked it.

What do you call God in StarWars?

A Skywalker

Why did God invent economists?

So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

What is the difference between God and a police officer?

God doesn't think he's a police officer.

How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?

I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "

What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?

Eggnog-stic.

What's the difference between God and a Welder?

God doesn't think he's a Welder.

What do you call an awkward questioner?

I don't KNOW, that's why I **asked** you. God.

What instrument does God play?

He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."

What did God say to the cheese that sinned?

Gouda Hell.

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

Why was Jesus not born in Australia?

Because God could not find three wise men and a virgin.

What did the angel say when he saw God make the element Phosphorus?

It's a match made in Heaven!

What's the difference between god and pilots?

God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive?

God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

What do you say when God sneezes?

Go bless yourself.

What did God say to Jesus?

This lawn ain't gonna mow itself.

What does God call his nose?

God knows.

What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Why does the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark!

How do you know that God isn't a woman?

Because I'm not a sandwich.

What did God say to Noah?

Make a backup, I need to re-format this.

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?

A nun only serves one God.

Why do we have oceans?

Because based god and acid god had a baby.

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Second Jokes More Second Jokes

What did the first stop light say to the second stop light?

Don't look I'm changing

What takes longer to run, first to second, or second to third?

Second to third, because there's a short stop in the middle!

Lawyer Jokes More Lawyer Jokes

Why was the lawyer home early?

Briefcase

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue

Son Jokes More Son Jokes

What did the Oxen say to his son moving out?

Bison

Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?

Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?

I was asked on an internet forum. "Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.

What does a quantum physicist tell their toddler who keeps asking "Why" over and over?

Because I saw so.

Cellist Jokes More Cellist Jokes

What instrument does God play?

He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."

Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?

He was baroque.

Shelter Jokes More Shelter Jokes

How can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?

Because the shelter was non prophet.

Look Jokes More Look Jokes

What did the stop light say to the car?

Don't look I am changing

Why was the deaf man sighing and shaking his head in disgust when he looked over at his next door neighbour?

Because she was *airing her dirty laundry*!!!

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

How long will the pizza be?

The waiter replies "About 12 inches."

How do you feel?

Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.