Cat Jokes

Why did the chicken give the cat his mashed potatoes?

To get to the other side.

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What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat?

One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.

What would you call Mike Mauser if he was a cat?

Mike Meowser

What do you call a cat on fire?

A fur-nace

Who in the organisation likes cats the most?

The purchaser.

What is the difference between a dog and a cat?

Kevin still doesn't know.

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meowntain.

What do you call a cat in love?

Romeow

What did the one cat say to the other cat?

I'm not feline too good.

What do you call a cat that has boils on its skin and can't feel it's toes?

A leperd

How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

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What does a cat in the desert and Christmas have in common?

They both have Sandy Claws.

How do cats speak to people?

They commeownicate.

What do you call a cat that's guilty of infidelity?

A cheetah

What did Edgar Allen Poe name his cat?

Poepurry

What did Iron Man call his cat?

FeLine

Why did the cat cross the road?

Because curiousity was on the other side

What did the cat say when it got hurt?

Me-OW!

How many cats does it take to make a fur coat?

None! Cats can't sew!

What do you call the tech. at the vets who has to give injections to cats?

Claude.

Why did the cat befriend the dog?

Because the dog let the cat out of the bag!!

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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.

Why did the dog chase the bulldozer?

It doesn't like Cats.

Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?

Let Meowt!!!!

How do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the Schrodinger's cat paradox?

By thinking outside the box

Where do cats go to vacation?

Meowi

What happens when you pet a cat in the opposite direction?

You rub them the wrong way

Who is the favourite communist leader of all the cats?

Mao

Why wasn't the cat moving?

It was on paws

What's the best fabric Softener to use on a cat?

Pounce...

What Australian city has the most cats?

Purrth.

Why don't cats like online shopping?

They prefer a cat-alogue.

How do you know when it is raining cats and dogs?

There are poodles everywhere!

How do you know a cat is ready to leave?

He makes a fe-line for the door.

What do you get when you cross my brain with a cat?

A cat.

What pets think about their owners?

A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.

Why is Germany uninhabitable for cats?

They have nein lives!

What do you call it when a cat gets angry?

A hissy fit. ba dum tss.

What did the cat say when the delivery man was leaving?

Purolator.

What do you call a cat who takes a shortcut in a race?

A Cheetah.

Whats the difference between cats and dogs?

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

Why can't cats vote?

Because they are non-voting felines!

What's the difference between a cat and a politician?

A cat will lie your face. A politician will lie your face.

Why do we call dogs, K-9?

Because K-10 is for cats.

What do you call a cat crossed with a canary?

A cosh(x/a)

What animal is two animals at the same time?

The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :)... oh, wait.

What did the cat say to the prison guard?

Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!!

What did the cat say to the correctional officer?

Let MEOWWWWWOUT!!

Why did the cat stop singing?

Because it was out of tuna.

Why did the man put a dead tiger on his lawn?

To scare off Cat burglars!

What music do cats prefer?

Deadmau5

How do cats let us know that they are in pain?

Me...........Owwwwww!!

What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog. It croaks every night.

Why were the Chinese trying to light a bbq grill out in the rain?

Because it was raining cats and dogs.

What is the appropriate response when your cat tells you a joke?

You've gotta be kitten me. You can SPEAK?!?

How do you make a dog sound like a cat?

You freeze it, put it on a bandsaw and cut it; "Meoooow".

What do you get when you cross a cat and a wild boar?

Revocation of your grant money and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.

What's a cats most common written thought?

Mmmnhhhhgcdddxxdtyyhhbvbbb

What happened to the cant when it ate a ball of wool?

What happened to the cat when it ate a ball of wool? It had mittens

Why did the cat fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

How do you make a cat go woof?

Paraffin and matches.

What do you call a cat sitting on the edge of a cliff?

A precipuss.

How does a cat tell time??

In meowers

What do you call a bunch of cats sitting in a circle?

The purr-rimiter.

Why are there no cats in Germany?

Because they have nein lives.

Why did the cat go to the doctors?

Because it wasn't feline well

What do you call it when a Cat wins a Dogshow?

Cat-has-trophy. Such punny. Much Cringe.

What time is it when twenty dogs and one cat get together?

20 after 1.

What did the cat say when I shut him in the refridgerator?

I don't know, I couldn't hear him through the door.

How many cats?

One.

What language do cats speak?

Catonese

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

What movie aspect ratio do cats prefer?

Litterbox.

What is the difference between cats and commas?

This might be better suited for but I think its more a joke Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.

How do you know when a cat's done cleaning itself?

It's smoking a cigarette.

What's the wrong way to feed the cat?

To the dog.

What did the cat cough up when it was sick?

Meowcus

Why was Lisa not able to ride a bike?

She was a cat.

What do you get when you cross a duck and a cat?

A Chinese restaurant's newest entree!

Where do cats go on vacation?

Maui.

How do we know cats are communists?

All they ever say is Mao.

What did Hamlet say to his cat?

Get thee to a nyanery!

What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?

ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...

How do you make a cat go "meow"?

Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.

Why was the cat afraid of the tree?

Because of the tree bark.

Why was the cat so small?

Because it only ate condensed milk!

What did you just do?

CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason* ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she's after both of us*

Why was the cat scared of the tree?

Because of its bark

What do you call a cat that claims it's a lion crossed with a cougar?

A liar.

What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street?

Five after one.

Why were the vets and pounds mad?

It was raining cats and dogs

How do cats buy things?

From a cat-alogue!

Why can't you ever trust a cat?

Because they are always lion

What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?

A first-aid kit!

Who's there! Cartoon! Cartoon who?

Cartoon up just fine she purrs like a cat!

How'd you get the scratches?

Flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.

What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?

An octopuss!

What do you call the parents of a cat?

His PURR-ents

Who's there! Cat! Cat who?

Cat you understand!

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