Cat Jokes

What is a Redditors favorite animal?

A cat because we are lonely... I need friends.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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What'll ya have?

Cat: Shot of rum. Bartender pours it Cat slowly pushes it off the bar Cat: Another.

What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?

An animal that puts you out a night!

Whatcha thinkin about?

Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.

What cat purrs more than any other?

Purrsians!

What do you call a cat who watches dirty movies?

A purrvert.

What do cats and people that submit jokes with the punchline "PLAGIARISM" have in common?

THEY BOTH LICK THEIR PAWS!

What is the difference between J. Winston and a cat?

One ruins girls clothes and steals crab legs, the other one is also losing the Rose Bowl.

What does cats and festival attendees have in common?

They both love using the toilet right after it's been cleaned.

What kinds of jokes do cats play on each other?

Purranks.

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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Why is K-9 another term for a dog?

Because if it was a cat, it would be a K-10.

Where do cats go once they have used up all nine of their lives?

Purrgatory.

Which cat made it across?

The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?

A cat-a-logue!

What do the French call artificial feet for cats?

Faux Paws

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?

Raining elephants!

What's a cats favorite Mexican dish?

A purr-rito

Which dog looks like a cat?

A police dog in disguise.

How many cats sawed in half does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently 10 aren't enough:

Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?

Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars?

The Cat in the AT-AT

What was Schrodinger's favorite childhood book?

The Cat in the Box by Dr. Seuss

What do you cal a man with no arms and no legs fighting with his cat?

Claude

Where do cats write down notes?

Scratch Paper!

Why couldn't the cat speak?

The dog taped his mouth.

Why did the cat sleep under the car?

Because she wanted to wake up oily!

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?

Here Kitty kitty kitty'!

What do you call it when a cat stops?

A paws!

Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?

It's meow-sic to their ears!

Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?

There was some money in the kitty!

What do you call a cat wearing shoes?

Puss in boots!

Who abhors a vacuum more than nature?

A cat.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?

A sourpuss!

What kind of cat should you take into the desert?

A first aid kitty!

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog -- it croaks every night.

Whats so special about "demon cats"?

Aren't all cats pure evil

Where do cats go when they die?

Purrgutory.

What do you call a man without arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude!

What does a cat say when he likes something?

It's purrrfect.

How's my cat, Doc?

Vet: I have good news and bad news..

What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

What kind of cats lay around the house?

Car-pets!

What does a cat call a bowl of mice?

A purrfect meal!

Why is a cat like a penny?

Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.

Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?

Cats can't drive!

Who should get the cat?

I don't know...let's see who he loves the most" 3 weeks later Can you tell "Nope"

What does a cat say when it lands on it's back?

Me. Ow.

How can a cat walk with no feet?

He can't, it's impawsible.

What's long and stylish and full of cats?

The Easter Purrade!

What did the woman do when a lemon tree fell her cat?

Nothing, she just stood there with a sour puss

What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?

A catastrophe!

Why do cats chase birds?

For a lark!

What's the difference between a frog and a cat?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

What do you call a cat on a big plate?

A platterpuss

What did the cat do when he didn't want to watch the movie?

He paws-ed it!

When the cat's away.....?

The house smells better!

Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?

Catch.

What did the cat... Say to the person?

Nothing, because cats don't speak.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it?

Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

What do you call a cat with 3 legs?

A handicat

What's it like to tweet "My cat sneezed" and get 500 RT in the first minute?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

What type of wind is named after both a cat and a bat?

Katabatic

What's a good name for a cat?

Catsper.

What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?

A furrycanine

Which cat won the race?

The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Why did the cat give birth at the park?

Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"

What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?

Catsup!

What noise does a cat make going down the highway?

Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

What did the cat use to sharpen its claws?

Me. Ow.

What country do all cats wish to get their food from?

Viet NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

What noise does a cat make when it drives past really fast?

Meeeeeeeoooooowwwww

Which is Better, a Cat or a Dog House?

A dog house, because a cat house has no woof!

What did the cat say when he lost all his money?

I'm paw!

What does a cat say when its trapped in a box?

Let MEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWt

What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints?

An im-paw-ster.

What do you call a cat that torrents movies?

A copy cat.

Why did the cat go to the hospital?

To have a CAT scan done.

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?

In a cat-alogue!

Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning?

Because they're let out in the evening and taken in in the morning!

When should a mouse carry an umbrella?

When it's raining cats and dogs!

How to cats greet each other at Christmas?

A furry Merry Christmas & Happy mew year"!

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?

She had mittens!

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?

Because they both have "Sandy claws"!

What does a cat sleep on?

A caterpillow.

Where are the posters?

WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! In other room *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Why does everyone love cats?

They're purr-fect!

Why dogs are called K9?

Because cats are K10

What do you call it when a cat howls?

It Meyowls

What do cats read in the morning?

Mewspapers!

Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?

Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

What do you call a group of unorganized cats?

A CAT-ASTROPHE!

Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail?

To the retail store!

Why is a frog luckier than a cat?

Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times!

How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?

He has cat-arrh!

What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal?

Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.

What's a cat's favorite firearm?

A meowser

What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain.

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What do you call it when someone resuscitates a person who chokes on alcohol?

La chaim-lich maneuver.

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Why was the blonde fired from the M&ampM factory?

She threw out all the W's.

What do you call a rifle that has been fired recently?

A shotgun

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What do you call a sinking ship full of condiments?

Sinko de Mayo

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

That's where you wash all your vegetables!

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Why do push up bras not work for some girls?

Because 0x0 is always 0.

How do you make an egg roll?

You push it

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When can a woman make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire (Credit to Kevin Hart)

What do u give a woman who has everything?

Penacilin

Un Deux Trois ' Cat Jokes More Un Deux Trois ' Cat Jokes

Which cat won the race?

The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Which cat made it across?

The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.

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Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.

How bad is it when a nations power crisis can only be solved by a couple of hydroelectric plants?

Two dam bad! (OC!)

Bartender Jokes More Bartender Jokes

When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?

The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

What do you call a bartender giving two dolphins a drink?

Serving dual porpoises!