What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

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What happens when a university math professor and a high school math teacher get it on?

Calculust

What happens when a controlled fire goes out of control?

Someone gets fired.

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What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?

A first-aid kit!

What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street?

Five after one.

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What is the difference between a hog and a man?

A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

Why shouldn't you buy Ukrainian underpants?

Cos Chernobyl fall out

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When does Sean Connery usually arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

Why isn't Sean Connery an unmarried roofer?

He's not a fan of the shingle life.