What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god?

Me: oh, um, science.

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What do you call an old-school CIA agent who believes his work is none of the public's goddamn business?

A Pte-redact-yl

What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?

Reintarnation.

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What's the difference between a doctor and God?

God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.

Why did God invent women?

You think he's gonna wash the dishes

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Who is currently leading in the Pirate Party Polls?

Noone. Pirates don't have poles, they have masts.

Why are LED's a good investment?

Because they always diode.