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Start Jokes

What do you do when your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and apply lube

Birthday State of Mind
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Birthday State of Mind

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Why did sumo wrestlers start shaving their legs?

To stop getting confused as feminists

Why are Boy Scouts safest when travelling with a senior?

They'll always have dry wood on hand to start a fire

What is Sean Connery's favorite sport, and around what age did he start playing?

Tennish

What time is it when planes start dropping engines?

Shedding season

Whats the biggest difference between men and women?

The phrase I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film. is a good place to start.

What is the name of the event in which Hillary supporters move out of the US?

A start.

How do you feel when your phone suddenly starts blaring your least favorite tune?

Alarmed.

How do they count the Mexican immigrants?

They start with Juan

How did Feminism start?

With an unlocked kitchen door

How Can You Tell It's Fall In Florida?

When the color of the license plates start to change.

Everyday Deserves a Joke
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Everyday Deserves a Joke

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What would you do if i won the lottery?

Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

How would you handle a complaint from a customer?

Applicant: Well that depends, what's the complaint? Interviewer: He's complaining that his burger had onions on it, even though he specifically asked they were to be removed. Applicant: Well I'd start by telling him he's in the retail section.

When do you REALLY know you need to break up with you GF?

When she starts winning arguments with you inner-voice.

What do Twitter users and regular humans have in common?

Both start off as eggs.

Why wasn't the bike starting?

Because it was 'two-tyred'.

What does a conspiracy theorist say when he breaks up with someone?

I think we should start seeing other sheeple.

What do you call a thousand lawyers, chained to the bottom of the ocean?

A start.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

Why does the Olympic torch always start in Olympia?

Because it's hard to put out a Greece fire.

How will a black chef start with his recipe?

First we steal two Eggs

Love
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Love

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Why couldn't the Italian man start his car?

Gnocchi

What am I?

I start with a v and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I? I'll post the answer in 10 minutes.

How do you know a neighborhood is too ghetto to film in?

If most people leave before shooting starts.

Why have all these complete strangers started to poke around outside my window?

They wanna peek-a-chu.

What is skeleton?

Interviewer:what is skeleton? Sardar:Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!

How do I start?

Personal Trainer: By putting down that Pizza slice!

How are STEM majors and inflatable slides the same?

You start off excited over your lofty heights and slowly slide down into something soft.

Why did the clown started his soccer career?

For kicks and giggles.

Why did the EU start downloading random stuff to it's computer?

It had freed up one GB of space.

What's a word that starts with "u" and ends with "w"?

Cloning.

Your Age Is Only Math
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Your Age Is Only Math

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What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?

It's "popcorn"! What were you thinking?!

Why do they call wood carving "whittling"?

Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.

How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars?

Well... If it's any constellation...

Why are popcorn just like people?

Everything is fine as long as they are white, it is when they turn black it starts to be a problem.

When to leave your girlfriend?

When your wife's clothes start to fit her.

What is the name of your car?

Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'. Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

What has 10 letters and starts with gas?

Automobile.

How do you start making big bucks?

With a little doe

How does procrastination start?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

How does the Mexican national anthem start?

Jose can you see.....

How many words does it take to start a car?

Forwards

What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?

Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between an accident and a catastrophe?

It's an accident if a boat full of refugees starts to take in water. A catastrophe is if they know how to swim

What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire?

A scarfish

What do you call it when two bottles of lotion start dating?

A re-lotion-ship.

How does a Chinese man start a religious video?

Press pray.

Why do you have to pee so quickly after you start drinking beer?

Because it doesn't have to stop off to change color!

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

An envelope!

What did the three-legged horse do when it started to rain?

It ran to the unstable.

How do you know when a vampire is sick?

He starts coffin...

How does every racist joke start?

Looks over both shoulders....

What does a blonde and a tornado have in common?

They both start blowing but in the end they take everything from you.

Why did the dolphin run away from home to start a new life?

He felt he had lost his sense of porpoise.

What's the difference between a sperm bank and an regular bank?

When you start to make deposits at the sperm bank, you loose interest

How do you start a conversation about men's rights?

Mention feminism.

How do you start a baby shower?

Throw it into a wood chipper.

What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets?

Wookieeleaks

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer?

One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.

How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?

Juans upon a time.

Why did so many black people die in Vietnam?

Because when they shouted "GET DOWN!" they all started dancing.

What do you call a starting indie dev?

No Game No Life

Why is it called Justice League of America?

Do they follow territorial boundaries? If the Kaos Kommandos start a brawl in El Paso and it rolls over into Juarez, do they say "screw it, let Justice League of Mexico handle it"? (Sorry if this isn't technically a joke; it was my shower thought this morning and I thought it was funny.)

What happens when a neckbeard takes drugs?

They start tipping balls.

What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?

Electricity.

Why does Star Wars Movies numbering scheme starts with 4,5,6?

Because in charge of the numbers, Yoda was

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?

An Envelope EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke

How do you make a small fortune in aviation?

Start out with a large fortune.

What, me? Lazy?

Don't get me started.

Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam?

Every time someone said "Get down!" they jumped up and started dancing.

What's with all of these racist jokes on reddit?

They're starting to get quite dark

Why did Billy Joel get acquitted?

Because he didn't start the fire.

What happened when Billy Mays's ghost floated into the rave?

Everyone started partying like it was $19.99.

What's the difference beetwen public official and private employee?

Private employee starts work checking email. Public official starts works making a coffee.

What's the similarities between Michael Jackson and the colour changing dress?

They both started out black and blue then became white and golden

Why do bakers start working so early in the morning?

Because they knead dough.

How do you start a raid in Ethiopia?

Staple food to the ceiling!

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me".

Why did the hacker start selling his services?

So he could make his 4Chan.

Why did the architect take so long to get started on his church blueprints?

He couldn't decide what font to use.

How do you start a powerful woman's movement?

Laxatives.

What starts out happy but ends in tears?

Marriage

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle

How do girls know when they are adults?

When they start to like spankings

What happened when pigs started flying?

Everyone got swine flu

Where do you go when you start up a videogame about Noodles?

To the lo mein menu

What does it mean when a lion roars?

Shut up. The movie is about to start.

Why does AMD call having 2 or more cards Crossfire?

Because no matter what card you cross, and how many, you're bound to start a fire.

How many countries' flags make an appearance at every auto race in the world?

Two. Libya's to start the race, and France's to signal there's one lap to go.

How do you start an Ethiopian rave?

You tape bread to the ceiling.

How do you build a flea circus?

You have to start from scratch.

How does a women make you a millionaire?

You start as a billionaire

What are your best Sports Team jokes?

With the NHL season getting started tonight. I am wondering what are you best jokes making fun off sports teams. All Sports (Baseball,hockey,football, soccer etc).

What are you looking for buddy?

Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose:

What's the thing in common between your girlfriend starting the pill and the muisic group Europe?

It's the final condom... Ta da da da...

How do you start a rave party in Ethiopia?

Glue bread to the ceiling.

What's the worst single thing you could do to someone?

Start dating them

Why did the gamer start working out?

He wanted to finally get respecced.

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Lord Jokes More Lord Jokes

What did the author of The Lord of the Rings say after he completed his books?

If you like dialogue, theres a whole lot of Tolkein.

What does the lord say when the intern messes up?

God demi

Strength Jokes More Strength Jokes

What are some of your strengths?

Me: Shifting the blame HR: That's a horrible reply Me: No, your question was! HR: Wow, you're good!

What would you say are your strengths?

Me: Words Him: Can you say more Me: More Him: Me: I'm also good at directions

Bear Jokes More Bear Jokes

What kind of bears don't have teeth?

Gummi bears.)

How fast can a bear run?

As fast as it can bear.

Try Jokes More Try Jokes

What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?

Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

How do you go about hiring a horse?

Try two pairs of stilts!

Sax Jokes More Sax Jokes

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?

You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Why couldn't they show the orchestra concert on TV?

There was too much sax and violins.

Tea Jokes More Tea Jokes

What kind of tea does a house drink?

Propertea

What tea do hockey players drink?

Penaltea!

Wail Jokes More Wail Jokes

What happened to the ghost who went to a party?

He had a wail of a time.

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What did the Australian grandmaster say to the banker, when asked what he wanted to exchange?

Check, mate!

What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?

The other one answers: -Oh fifty dollars, like everybody else, why