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Priest Jokes

Why was the priest also an imam?

Double the prophet.

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How Do Priests Get High?

Snorting the left over ashes from Ash Wednesday...

What kind of fun do priests have?

Nun

Why was the priest afraid of trigonometry?

Cos sin

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

What did the Priest say to the Church of Vegetables?

Lettuce pray.

What do you call a priest giving a long, boring sermon?

An anes-theologist. (close enough)

Why should the Roman Catholic Church allow priests to marry?

They would have a more detailed understanding of what Hell is actually like.

What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house?

He'll re-possess it

Why did the priest dislike geometry?

It's sin-ful. self made joke

What do you call a priest who has had too much sacramental wine?

An Alcatholic.

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What kind of fun does a priest have?

Nun.

How do priests make holy water?

They bless the hell out of it.

What did the man say to the priest at the beach?

Do you mind getting out of my son.

What do you call enchilada sauce bkessed by a priest?

HOLY MOLE' Thank you, I'll be in r/dadjokes all week!

What did the priest say when watering his garden?

Let us spray.

Why did the Priest cross the road?

Because he crosses everything.

Why did the priest smoke weed in the cemetery?

He wanted to keep his spirits high.

What did the priest say about consorting with the sisters of the church?

Nun is better!

What kind of jokes does a priest tell?

Dad jokes

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?

They both have ornamental balls.

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Why did the woman take her third aborted fetus to see the priest on Sunday?

Half Life 3 Confirmed!

Why can't priests have children?

Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.

Why did the priest cross the road?

To screw in the children that were crossing the road

How does a Priest find a little boy in the woods?

Very exciting

What did the priest use to forgive the sinners that shot up his church?

A holey Bible. And, yet, it still made more sense than Scientology.

How do you know that you're too old?

When the priest doesn't look at you anymore.

What did the priest say at the salad bar?

Lettuce pray.

What did the bishop say to the priest?

It's my turn.

How many times does 43 go into 9?

The priest won't tell you, but *he knows*.

What did the priest announce before he went for a bath?

Speak now or forever hold your pee!

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How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti?

Pasta pasta, pasta.

How is a Silver Medal and a Priest the same?

They both came in a little behind.

What do Wal mart and priests have in common?

They both have boys pants half off. I'm going to hell

What did the priest have to say?

He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.

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Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti?

Pasta pasta, pasta.

Why don't you ask your sister?

But I don't have a.........oooooh.

Wail Jokes More Wail Jokes

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

What happened to the ghost who went to a party?

He had a wail of a time.

Sax Jokes More Sax Jokes

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?

You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Why couldn't they show the orchestra concert on TV?

There was too much sax and violins.

Stick Jokes More Stick Jokes

Why does the Avon lady walk funny?

Because her lips stick

What did the constipated maths teacher do when he got stuck?

Got a pencil and worked it out.

Try Jokes More Try Jokes

What do bad dancers have in common with Michael J Fox trying to use the soft serve ice cream machine?

They both have a hard time pulling off a twist.

What do you call someone who keeps trying the same thing again and again, yet expects different results?

A weapons designer for the First Order.

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

What's the new baby hippo's name?

Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know he won't tell me.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows it's never happened.

Baritone Jokes More Baritone Jokes

How does a baritone make phone calls?

Song distance!

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How Many Martians Does It Take to Screw In a Lightbulb?

At least two, but they have to be pretty small to fit.

How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one but he'll tell everybody.