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Priest Jokes

Why was the priest also an imam?

Double the prophet.

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How Do Priests Get High?

Snorting the left over ashes from Ash Wednesday...

What kind of fun do priests have?

Nun

Why was the priest afraid of trigonometry?

Cos sin

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

What did the Priest say to the Church of Vegetables?

Lettuce pray.

What do you call a priest giving a long, boring sermon?

An anes-theologist. (close enough)

Why should the Roman Catholic Church allow priests to marry?

They would have a more detailed understanding of what Hell is actually like.

What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house?

He'll re-possess it

Why did the priest dislike geometry?

It's sin-ful. self made joke

What do you call a priest who has had too much sacramental wine?

An Alcatholic.

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What kind of fun does a priest have?

Nun.

How do priests make holy water?

They bless the hell out of it.

What did the man say to the priest at the beach?

Do you mind getting out of my son.

What do you call enchilada sauce bkessed by a priest?

HOLY MOLE' Thank you, I'll be in r/dadjokes all week!

What did the priest say when watering his garden?

Let us spray.

Why did the Priest cross the road?

Because he crosses everything.

Why did the priest smoke weed in the cemetery?

He wanted to keep his spirits high.

What did the priest say about consorting with the sisters of the church?

Nun is better!

What kind of jokes does a priest tell?

Dad jokes

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?

They both have ornamental balls.

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Why did the woman take her third aborted fetus to see the priest on Sunday?

Half Life 3 Confirmed!

Why can't priests have children?

Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.

Why did the priest cross the road?

To screw in the children that were crossing the road

How does a Priest find a little boy in the woods?

Very exciting

What did the priest use to forgive the sinners that shot up his church?

A holey Bible. And, yet, it still made more sense than Scientology.

How do you know that you're too old?

When the priest doesn't look at you anymore.

What did the priest say at the salad bar?

Lettuce pray.

What did the bishop say to the priest?

It's my turn.

What did the priest announce before he went for a bath?

Speak now or forever hold your pee!

How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti?

Pasta pasta, pasta.

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How is a Silver Medal and a Priest the same?

They both came in a little behind.

What do Wal mart and priests have in common?

They both have boys pants half off. I'm going to hell

What did the priest have to say?

He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.

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Catholic Jokes More Catholic Jokes

What do the Zika virus and Catholic priests have in common?

They both give kids a little head.

What do you get when a Catholic priest baptizes hay?

You get a Christian Bale

Spine Jokes More Spine Jokes

What body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Spine

Why are those two men standing in the spine of that book?

It must need Osteo-per-o-sis" Love it.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How much has this man had to drink?

Nurse: "I can't tell." Dr: "It's ok; you can tell me. I'm a doctor"

How do you confuse Hellen Keller?

Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.

Sax Jokes More Sax Jokes

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?

You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Wake Jokes More Wake Jokes

What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?

Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.

What time does a mechanic wake up?

Oily!

Lord Jokes More Lord Jokes

What's it called when you look in the mirror and say "Jesus Christ I look good"?

Using the lords name in vanity

What's white & falls from the sky?

The coming of the Lord." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.

Try Jokes More Try Jokes

What do you call a potato that's reluctant to try new things?

A Hesi-tater

Why is Arjen Robben not being invited to Alfredo Di Stefanos funeral?

They're scared he'll try to dive in the box.

Baritone Jokes More Baritone Jokes

How does a baritone make phone calls?

Song distance!

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.