How can you tell when a vampire is sick?

By his coffin!

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Why did the pirate update his Macbook?

His matey told him he needed an iPatch

What did the mole say when someone told him there were entire above-ground civilizations?

Holy moley, I didn't know that!

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Why did the vampire go to the doctors?

Because he was coffin...

How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?

Now, I tweet them

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Why are graveyards so noisy?

Because of all of the coffin.

Why did the man with bronchitis get cremated..?

He was tired of coffin.