Try Jokes

Son, if at first you don't succeed, Try Hard. If that doesn't work, Try Hard 2. If that still doesn't work, Try Hard with a Vengeance. Remember, you can't pick between the choice to Live Free or Try Hard. They go together. Everyday's A Good Day to Try Hard.

What did the mathematician say about vertical videos?

I'm sorry, but the video you filmed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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How did the blind girl accidentally get pregnant?

As careful as she tried to be, she could never have seen him coming

How do the French defend a city?

We don't know, they've never tried it.

What did Bea Arthur whisper in her lover's ear?

An elaborate fantasy in which she is in prison and tries to escape by chewing through the bars of her cell.

Why was Cloud trying to cheer up Sky?

He looked a little blue

What do call it when actor Charles Dance tries to flirt?

Dance moves.

Why did Hannibal Lecter try DiGiorno's Pizza?

He heard it had de y flavor.

Why was the teacher arrested for writing in permanent marker?

He wrote "1 + 0 = 0" and then spent the rest of the lesson trying to rub one out...

Why can't American engineers design linear actuators?

Because they always try to maximize the degrees of freedom.

Why did the poor dog chase his tail?

Because he was trying to make both ends meet.

How does Mario talk to the dead?

With a Luigi board. Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.

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How does a mathematician deal with constipation?

He grabs a pencil and tries to work it out

Why is there all this hate against necromancers?

They are just trying to raise a family in peace.

Why can't an IT guy be a doctor?

Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange... Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Why did Sally the stripper stop dating the guitar player?

He kept trying to tune her G string.

What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?

Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

What did the yoga teacher say to her land lord when he tried to evict her?

Nah Imma stay

Why are people who vape always trying to chase after bigger clouds?

More storage space.

Whats the first thing you do when you spill something on your keyboard?

Try to disable sticky keys.

How are relationships like algebra?

You look at your X and try to find out Y

What does Team Rocket and a Peeping tom have in common?

They are both always trying to get a Pikachu.

Why are sewer covers called manholes?

If they were called womanholes, guys would keep trying to get in.

What did the melon say to his daughter after she tried to get married?

You cant-elope!

Why was the Energizer Bunny tried in court?

He was charged with battery.

What did Michael J. Fox's dad say when Michael J. Fox tried to parallel park?

Watch the Parking son.

Why did the husband bring his wife's sick dog to the salon?

He was trying to get her pedicure.

What does a fresh egg say when you try to hardboil it?

It'll take me about 20 minutes to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

How to make your ears pop?

Try some sparkly earrings.

Why is it so hard for an eighty year old woman to pee in the morning?

Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?!

What did David say when the tourist tried to touch him?

Don't touch my marbles.

How many French people need to defend Paris?

It isn't known, never tried.

Why was little Billy so sad when his friends played on the swingset?

He had no arms. Sorry that joke was stupid, let me try again. Knock Knock "Whose there?" Not Billy

What happened when the cow tried to milk itself?

It was an udder catastrophe.

Why was the farmer disappointed when he tried to marry his prized melon?

Because the minister wouldn't marry the two, since a melon can't elope!

Why did microsoft go straight to windows 10?

They were trying to keep their German market.

Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?

It's not my fault I'm blind.

What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room?

You made the chain too long in the kitchen.

What's it called when you try not to get knocked unconscious by a Taser?

Resisting a rest.

What do you say when you are trying to scare your girlfriend?

Boo bae! (Read aloud please)

Why did the cannibal get banned from the hospital?

He kept trying the doctors patients(patience)

What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?

Time to try the udder one.

How do you get a date on Tinder?

Seriously guys, I've been trying for months so if anyone have any useful tips it would be much appreciated.

What did the kid say to his nanny when she stubbed her toe while trying to catch him?

Nana boo boo

What do drug dealers sit on?

KUSHions please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is.

How do you convince your neighbor to share their water with you?

Try to get a long well.

How many tries does it take to get to the front page?

A LOT.

What did the shoelace say when I tried to tie it?

Uh, like, can you knot?

Why does a dog lick it's balls?

Because they're delicious. What? You've never tried them? You're missing out.

Why don't men want to go down on a woman first thing in the morning?

Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese?

How many tweekers does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on which method you try....

Why should you try to date girls you meet at the gym?

Because you already know she'll work out.

What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?

One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.

Why were the Chinese trying to light a bbq grill out in the rain?

Because it was raining cats and dogs.

What do you do in the bathroom if you are trying to waste time?

Stall

How many tries did it take to find out if Lance Armstrong was ticklish?

One testtickle

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle

What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?

Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?

What's it called when you try a different flavor of salsa?

A change of pace.

What's the difference between a soldier and a sailor?

Ever tried dipping a sailor in a boiled egg?

What did the angry dough ball say to the other dough ball?

You trying to get a rise out of me! Came up with while I was making pizza.

Why doesn't Jesus enjoy manicures or pedicures?

Because they always try to mess with his nails.

How many IT support techs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Have you tried turning the light off and back on?

What did the IT guy say to his wife after she complained about their love life?

Did you try turning me off and on again?

What does a food lover do when they try a new food?

They CURIOUSLY MASTERCATE.

Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?

She was trying to blow the horn

Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery?

Q: Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery? A: Because her career as a comic was stuck, but no matter how he tried, the Dr. Couldn't pull a laugh out of her.

Why isn't there a straight pride parade?

They tried that but people kept on thinking it was the checkout line at Home Depot.

What's your best mattress joke?

Trying to win a new mattress in a contest and I need a clean mattress joke to win (dumb, I know)

What is something that everyone overlooks no matter how hard they try not to?

Their nose

Why is Thors bother so secretive?

Because he tries to keep things Loki...

What did the stuttering Mexican say to his friend when he tried to steal his food?

These are nacho-nachos.

What happens when you take the tea away from your guest?

He's left there trying to "guess" what happened.

Why did two ferrets decide to meet?

They were trying to start a business.

Why couldn't the philosopher make a living?

He made no sense. I tried, I really did.

What did the physicist say when he tried to meditate?

Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm...

What happens when Anthony Weiner tries to shake someones hand?

They think long and hard before they touch weiner.

How can you tell if Asians have broken into your house?

The dog is gone, the homework is done, and they're still trying to get out of the driveway.

Why did the frat boy throw away his curtains?

He was trying to get some Natural Light.

Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

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