Come Jokes

Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg?

The Rooster

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What did the Ceasar of reddit say?

I came, I upvoted, I reposted.

What happened when Santa cut his beard?

The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC

Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it?

Because it was stationary.

What did the insect say when he saw a gnat get hit?

He did gnat see that coming

Why did they never make a pregnant Barbie?

Because Ken always came in another box.

Why do pro gamers get up at 1:37pm?

Because it's 13:37! I came up with this last night and have been waiting to post it until 1:37pm my time.

How do computers measure pain?

Gigahurts. (Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.

What's you experience with "Friends with benefits"?

The close thing I came to having friends with benefits was.......... convincing my friend to bring food for me daily.

What does the internet need to take when its constipated?

Google Fiber Note: Randomly came up with this joke today

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Why shouldn't you tell a pirate your secrets?

They ain't private ears.

What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

I missed you

What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?

Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)

What did Nicolas Cage say when his daughters grades came through?

Oh God, not the B's!

What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge?

Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.

What do you call someone who discriminates against paintings?

An artist.

Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany?

Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!

What happened when the sausage came in first?

An announcer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wiener!"

How long does it take for George R.R. Martin to finish a Reddit post?

Answer coming Fall 2017.

What stopped winter for coming?

Cuz Winterfell and it can't get up!

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What do you name a deaf dog?

It doesn't matter, he ain't coming anyways.

Which company saw the end of disco coming from a mile away?

Discover.

What did the mole hill say to the mountain?

I see my ex came by.

What did the man say when he got his dancing robot to work?

It twerks!" I don't know how this came to me..

How can you tell if a hippy came to your house?

He's still there.

Why is the last chapter in a chemistry textbook about benzene?

Because it's the PHENYL CHAPTER :D I came up with this myself. I'm so proud.

How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in. Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

What do you call a jelly bear that died and came back?

A mummy bear

What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

Because he saw the snowblower coming

What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?

Time to try the udder one.

What is Reddits favorite country?

Chi-LE!!!!!!!!!! My girlfriend came up with that one hope u guys love it as much as I do!!!!!

What did the raisin see when she came home early from work?

Her husband on a date.

How do you make cultured milk?

You take it to the Moo-seum.

What did the angry dough ball say to the other dough ball?

You trying to get a rise out of me! Came up with while I was making pizza.

What's the point of going to somebodys funeral?

It's not like they are coming to yours.

Why did the psychic get fired?

Because she didn't see it coming.

Why is Microsoft coming out with a windows 10 instead of 9?

Because 7 8 9

What did the collard green do when his favorite song came on the radio?

He got turnip

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.

Why did the snowman have his pants down?

Because he heard the snowblower was coming.

Why did the Egyptian spit out his water?

Because it came from the Suez.

How do fish make calls?

On a shellphone! My 7 year old self was very proud of coming up with this one....

How did robbers gain entry to steal from Miley Cyrus?

They came in like a wrecking ball.

What is Santa's favorite music?

Wrap! (I came up with this when i was 8.)

What do a priest and an Olympic silver medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

Why did the skeleton leave the party?

Because everyone was calling him a bone-head.

Why do drummers carry transparent lunchboxes?

So they know if they are going to the gig, or coming from it.

Who came after Augustus?

Septembrus

Why did the snowman take his pants off?

He heard the snow blower was coming.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

What happens when you put the energizer bunny's battery's in backwards?

He keeps coming and coming and coming.

Why don't Barbie and Ken have kids?

Ken came in a different box.

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

Because she didn't know which one came first!

Which mafia boss came with all the dlc?

John Goty

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?

A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.

Why isn't Half-Life 3 coming out?

Because 2 Half-Lives = 1 whole life.

What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?

Sir, she came in with you!

How's your homophone needlepoint project coming along?

Sew sew

What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?

A. The cold shoulder.

What stopped winter from coming?

Winterfell and it can't get up.

Who went into a witche's den and came out alive?

The witch!

What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?

Highway 55.

Why did the snowman smile?

Because the snowblower is coming.

Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?

On their feet!

What did Caesar say when was in agreement?

I came. I saw. I concurred.

Why do people call the deceased "late"?

They aren't late.. They aren't coming.

What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop?

Take me to your liter!

What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?

Paul stop monkeying around!

What do you call a fuzzy animal that grows on trees?

A root bear! (I came up with this joke a few minutes ago. I hope it's funny)

What a glum face what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours?

Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it!

What happens when everything's coming your way?

Instructor: You're in the wrong lane.

What do you call an empty cheese whiz jar?

Cheese Was! some old guy came up to me on the street and told me this one.

What were you before you came to school boys and girls?

Asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"

How are your English lessons coming along?

Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me.

What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang?

A smell that keeps coming back!

What came first the car or the wheel?

The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.

What side of the American flag are the stars on?

Both sides. Came from my FIL on this Memorial Day.

Why do clairvoyants have crystal balls?

So they can see what's coming.

What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road?

Look out for the mice!

What did they Deer say when she came out of the woods?

"I will never do that again for 2 bucks " My reply: Ha Ha!

What does the baker turned counterfeiter say?

I make my own dough". My sister Katie came up with this one.

Why aren't you working?

Me: I didn't see you coming!

What kind of cell phone reception do astronauts get on the moon?

1/6 G My 8 year old son came up with this one.

How do you know when you're turning 40?

When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh

Why did vegan cross the road?

Because chicken came to his side.

Who's there! Alexander! Alexander who?

Alexander friend are coming over!

Why did ginny make harry get rid of his invisibility cloak?

He kept coming out of no where

Why did the momma pepper tuck in her baby?

Because he was a little chili (Actually came up with this while making chili)

How is a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he's coming how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Why is a dog like a baseball player?

He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.

Why are you studying your Easter candy?

I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!

What do you call a beach with crooked waves?

OC A Scoli-ocean! (Came up with that recently, hope it tickles your funny bone)

What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?

Shady's back*

What does Bill Cosby and a ninja have in common?

You don't see either one coming.

What is a moo hoo for steak that came late?

Filet delay!

What do colorblind people say to the unexpected?

Well that came out of the purple

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