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Face Jokes

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't pay 50 to have a lentil on my face...

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug

What's the difference between a garbanzo pea and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo pea on my face.

How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

It is when the blind try to read your face

Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?

There was a face off in the corner

What did the ghost say to the other ghost at the Halloween party?

Let's get sheet-faced!

Whats black and hurts when you get it thrown in your face?

A Piano.

Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

Why are ships' portholes round?

So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

What's thr difference between the Chinese and racism?

Racism has many faces.

What's better than having a garbanzo bean on your face?

Having a chickpea on your face.

What did Will Smith's toe say to his face?

I am leg end.

Love

Love

Why do they want to change the faces on dollars but not on coins?

Because the only constant is change.

What did Serena say to Venus before they faced off in the US Open?

In tennis, love means nothing.

How do Muslim women get wrinkles off their faces?

Fabric softener.

What's Rihanna's favorite love song?

I can't feel my face when i'm with you

What's his name?

A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, naked woman lying face-down on the bed. Q: What's his name? A: Willie Turner Q: What's name? A: Betty Will

What's the difference between a cat and a politician?

A cat will lie your face. A politician will lie your face.

What did the scientist see when he looked up his family tree?

A gorilla pooped on his face.

What's the diffrence between a Chickpea and a Gorbanzo bean?

I woun't pay a 100 bucks for a Gorbanzo bean on my face.

Why did the punk-rocker cross the road?

He had a chicken stapled to his face.

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your face in a buffalo.

I Love Pizza & You

I Love Pizza & You

What motivated Hercules to face off against Cerberus?

Alcmene triple-dog-dared him.

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce on its face?

Chicken Caesar salad.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

What are you going to do for a face?

When the monkey wants its bum back?

What came first?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Whats the difference between Chinese people and racism?

Racism has many faces

Why does it take Sarah Palin so long to get ready in the morning?

Because she has two faces.

What's another word for a face tattoo?

An everlasting jobstopper.

What did the overweight woman say to Buffalo Bill when she woke up?

I can't feel my face when I'm with you...

What's the difference between garbanzo beans an chickpeas?

I don't have to play $50 for a garbanzo bean in my face.

Birthday State of Mind

Birthday State of Mind

What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbonzo bean?

I wouldn't let a Garbonzo bean all over my face.

Which religion faces the most Resistance?

Hinduism... Om......

Why does your face look like a donut?

Me 30 minutes into dieting

Why do ghosts like going out?

So they can drink boo-ze and get sheet-faced.

How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face?

I forgot to wet the soap.

How can I face the problem?

When my problem is my face!

Where have you been?

He asked. "To my mother-in-law's burial." "Then why the scratches on your face " "She kept resisting, that old fart."

What if they found the face of Jesus in a piece of toast but it was actually Jesus?

This is my body, I'm nice with jam.

What kind of flower grows on your face?

Tulips.

What a glum face what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours?

Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it!

How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?

He asks with a large smile on his face.

What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears?

You're hired" "Not guilty"

Why was the clown kicked out of the maths lesson?

Because he kept throwing his pi in other peoples faces!

What's the difference between my face and my jokes?

People laugh at my face.

Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?

I've never had a lima bean on my face.

What do me and a mirror have in common?

A.When we see your face we both crack up!

What is someone who takes drugs?

What is someone who drinks What hit you in the face last night

Whats the worst joke you can play on an American?

Two pies to the face and one somewhere in a field in Pennsylvania.

What's the difference between sandpaper and a baby?

The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.

How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?

Netflix: Because you watched "The Wedding Planner"

What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?

A bear faced lyre!

Who would you turn to face?

Be careful with whom you chose

Why didnt the Asian block a punch coming to his face?

He couldn't see it coming

Why did the Face of Bo go to the party by himself?

Because he had no body to go with.

Why did the introvert Polish his shoes regularly?

So he could look at others' faces.

What's the difference... between a gazpacho bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a gazpacho bean on my face.

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself "what would The Hulk do?

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

What products do you use for grooming?

She asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, "Facebook"

When I fix someone's computer and they say "Wow how'd you do that?

I tell them I'm a wizard then throw glitter in their face.

What do you call a guy going down on a girl with a smile on his face?

A Gladiator

What do Jesus and girls have in common?

The expression on their faces when they got nailed.

Why did the pig have ink all over his face?

Because it came out of the pen.

How do you tell Michael Jackson's age?

You put a color scale next to his face.

Why are there scratches all over your face?

Jujitsu training" You can scratch in jujitsu "It's my cat's best move"

How does that make you feel?

ME: "Mphh mophh wampph." T: Again, this works better if you don't lie face down on the couch.

What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

How do you know if an Asian is depressed?

All around them are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.

What's the difference between Tigger and Pooh?

I've never smeared tigger on my face

Who are you talking to in there?

M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

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Why do women and children evacuate first in an emergency?

So the men can go on Reddit and repost this joke.

Why should you not tell jokes to sand paper?

It's a rough crowd...Ba da bum chssh

Pa Jokes More Pa Jokes

How many PA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nine........one to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You pa- pa- poker face, pa- pa- poker face!

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

Why did North Korea tell South Korea not to crow about the recent agreement?

Because they'd rather see them raven. Obligatory apology: saw a headline and couldn't resist.

How do you tell the difference between Al Gore and the secret service when they're in the same room?

Al Gore's the stiff one.

Chick Pea Jokes More Chick Pea Jokes

What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

What the difference between What's the difference between a chick pea and lentil?

I've never paid to have a lentil on me!

Wake Jokes More Wake Jokes

Why do you need patience at the gym?

Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?

Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."

Lentil Jokes More Lentil Jokes

What is the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil?

I've never had a Lentil on my chest.

What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my chest.

School Jokes More School Jokes

What do insects learn at school?

Mothmatics!

What do you call an ant who skips school?

A truant!

Pay Jokes More Pay Jokes

How do you stop your water from running?

Stop paying the bill.

What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato?

You would pay to have a potato on you...