Wake Jokes

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

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Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?

He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You pa- pa- poker face, pa- pa- poker face!

Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday?

To watch Dablooney Toons!

Why do golf commentators speak softly?

To not wake the audience.

Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy?

In case you wake the sleeping pills!

What time does a mechanic wake up?

Oily!

How do you wake up Lady Gaga..?

POKER FACE...!!!

What's the hardest part about being a vegan?

Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

How do you wake up a loafer?

With a shoe horn.

What's a glow worms favourite song?

Wake me up before you glow glow!

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What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?

An alarm cluck!

Why is there no volume control on the microwave?

Must it always wake the entire house when I'm trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza

Why did the cop wake up his son?

To stop a kid napping.

Why are you always tired, Dad?

My 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.

Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

Why is marriage is like an alarm clock?

After the ring, you wake up!

How do you know a girl is into you?

Just pinch yourself, if you don't wake up, she doesn't.

What did the dead blues musician sing?

Didn't wake up this morning...

What did George Michael say to his partner before he went to work?

Wake me up before you go-go

Why do I always seem to start my day backwards?

I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake

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Why do you need patience at the gym?

Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?

Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.

What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field?

Amaized.

Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?

Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise Oh, right, *of course*!"

What does a clever sentry on guard duty say when he wakes up to see his commanding officer standing over him?

Amen

Why don't bananas snore?

Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating?

Man, wall mounts are awesome.

What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?

Catsup!

What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm?

Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.

What does a widow say when she wakes up?

Mourning

What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster?

A wake-up call!

What's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning?

Another day.

How do you wake a sleeping Lady Gaga?

You poke poke poker face

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?

"I didn't wake up this morning..."

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.

I woke up exhausted!

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Day Jokes More Day Jokes

What time of day is the saddest?

The mourning.

What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?

If you answered "I don't know." I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up.

Chair Jokes More Chair Jokes

What did the statue say to the chair?

Chair? Statue?!

Why do chickens sit on eggs?

Because they don't have any chairs. Source: my five-year-old.

Tractor Jokes More Tractor Jokes

What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?

Prom

What's does an extractor fan sound like?

I used to love tractors

Watch Jokes More Watch Jokes

Why did the German watchmaker say to the watch that kept saying "Tick, tick, tick, tick,..."?

Ve haff vays of meking you tock.

What kind of cheese is best to watch Lost with?

Smoked Muenster.

Long Time Jokes More Long Time Jokes

Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom?

Because he was fighting the Klingons.

What did the fish skeleton say?

Long time, no sea.

Toilet Jokes More Toilet Jokes

What is a toilet in Ancient Mexico?

Aztec.

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?

Because the p is silent

Saturday Jokes More Saturday Jokes

What is the dirtiest day of the week?

SaTURDay

What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?

Saturday Night Fever.

Pharmacy Jokes More Pharmacy Jokes

Why did the monkey cross the road?

To loot the pharmacy on the other side

Why did Lionel go to the medical store?

Because it was pharmacy.