Come Jokes

What do you call a fuzzy animal that grows on trees?

A root bear! (I came up with this joke a few minutes ago. I hope it's funny)

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What a glum face what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours?

Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it!

Who's there! Ahmed! Ahmed who?

Ahmed a big mistake coming here!

What happens when everything's coming your way?

Instructor: You're in the wrong lane.

What do you call an empty cheese whiz jar?

Cheese Was! some old guy came up to me on the street and told me this one.

What were you before you came to school boys and girls?

Asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"

How are your English lessons coming along?

Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me.

What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang?

A smell that keeps coming back!

What came first the car or the wheel?

The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.

What side of the American flag are the stars on?

Both sides. Came from my FIL on this Memorial Day.

Why do clairvoyants have crystal balls?

So they can see what's coming.

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What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road?

Look out for the mice!

What did they Deer say when she came out of the woods?

"I will never do that again for 2 bucks " My reply: Ha Ha!

What does the baker turned counterfeiter say?

I make my own dough". My sister Katie came up with this one.

Why aren't you working?

Me: I didn't see you coming!

What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?

My daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

What kind of cell phone reception do astronauts get on the moon?

1/6 G My 8 year old son came up with this one.

How do you know when you're turning 40?

When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh

Why did vegan cross the road?

Because chicken came to his side.

Who's there! Alexander! Alexander who?

Alexander friend are coming over!

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Why did the cookie get fired from his job?

He came to work baked.

Why did ginny make harry get rid of his invisibility cloak?

He kept coming out of no where

Why did the momma pepper tuck in her baby?

Because he was a little chili (Actually came up with this while making chili)

When you're away on a business trip, do you think about me?

Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

How is a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he's coming how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Why is a dog like a baseball player?

He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.

Why are you studying your Easter candy?

I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!

What do you call a beach with crooked waves?

OC A Scoli-ocean! (Came up with that recently, hope it tickles your funny bone)

What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?

Shady's back*

What did the premature ejaculatist say to his offended lover?

Sorry... That came out wrong.

What is a moo hoo for steak that came late?

Filet delay!

What do colorblind people say to the unexpected?

Well that came out of the purple

What is the difference between an abusive relationship and The Chainsmokers?

Nothing, The hits keep coming

What's the difference between Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan?

Caesar: "I came, I saw, I conquered." Khan: "I conquered, I saw, I came."

Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?

Because he just came to pick up his little sister.

What do women and police cars have in common?

They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Why didnt the Asian block a punch coming to his face?

He couldn't see it coming

What do you call Captain Forte and his sidekick Piano?

A dynamic duo! This joke came to me in my delirious state after hours of band camp practices.

What is this world coming to?

Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise

How do you see that a linedancer came from Belgium and not from the Netherlands?

He wears the cardboard box on his boots.

Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?

In a stable environment. Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

What is the witches motto?

We came we saw we conjured!

What's the difference between this morning and your wife?

I'm not coming in *this morning*

What do the racehorse that finished in second and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something.

What came in the mail today?

Anthrax.

What do you give an alligator who is having trouble hearing?

A gator-aid. Bet you did see that one coming:P

How do you like going to school?

Son: The going bit is fine as is the coming home bit too but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?

They're both filled with stiffs one's coming one's going.

Why did the Addams have the late man arrested?

He was expected on Tuesday, but he came on Wednesday.

Who's there! Anderson! Anderson who?

Anderson and daughter came too!

What's a boomerang called that's not coming back?

A Stick.

Why did the blond get fired from the boomerang factory?

She threw away all the bent ones. Why did she get re-hired They all came back.

What did Samsung Galaxy S 5 say to the iPhone 6?

Get bent" I hope you guys like this joke. I just came up with it.

What did Norman Bates call his little sister?

You know you see it coming...) A: Psycho-sis! (I won't let the doorknob hit me on the way out..)

Why people cry during the weddings?

They are preparing for whats coming afterwards

Why is there music coming out of your printer?

That will be the paper jamming again!

What did the two story house say to its friend after it had just finished working out, and it's friend invited I to a party?

I'm two tiered. I came up with this at 1am, enjoy.

What did you do today?

Mum: Well, the builders that moved the garage came over and I paid them for their work done.

What did the hacker do when the police came for him?

He ransomware.

Why did Santa divorce Mrs Clause?

Because he only came once a year

What did one mosquito say to another when they came out of the cinema?

Fancy a bite

What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies?

Should we walk home or take a dog

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?

A seahorse!

What's the difference between a hand towel and toilet paper?

What " "You aren't coming to my house"

Why did the pig have ink all over his face?

Because it came out of the pen.

Why has the pope never won a gold medal?

Because he always came in a little behind.

What tool does a black lumberjack use?

An ask. (Explanation: Because most black people say ax for ask, it is swapped around.) Came up with it by myself, how did I do

Why is a toothbrush a "tooth" brush?

Cause it was invented in Alabama! Inspiration came from the comments(http://mobile.reuters.com/article/idUSKBN0GP1NS20140825 irpc=932)

What do you get when you put the batteries in the Energizer Bunny backwards?

It keeps coming and coming and coming...

How did the frog cross the road when a truck was coming?

SPLAT!!! He didn't.

What came after the stone age and the bronze age?

Pupil: The sausage!

What do you say when it's snowing?

Winter is coming.

Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?

So he can tell if he is coming or going.

How is it May already?

Day coming up tomorrow where people who don't know how calendars work tweet.

What animal has 5 legs?

A pit bull coming back from the playground.

Why did the Snowman pull his pants down?

Because the snowblower was coming.

How did the snowman get happy?

The snowblower came around

What is the definition of a will?

C'mon. It's a dead giveaway.

What did the sun say after melting Frosty the Snowman?

I came, I thaw, I conquered.

Where do Knights get their armour?

The hardware store. One I came up with when I was about 10.

Where Are You Going?

Me: Partying with Friends Pimple: Ok, I'm Also Coming then!!

How is a Silver Medal and a Priest the same?

They both came in a little behind.

What happens when doughnuts join a sorority?

They have to go through the glazing. I'm sorry I'm a baker it just came to me... Pun-ishment is in order.

What's white and streaks across the sky at a thousand miles an hour?

The coming of the Lord.

Why do we have to sit at red lights if nobody's coming the other way?

We don't have to pay our taxes if nobody's checking, right

What did the doe say as she came out of the forest?

I'll never do that for 5 bucks again.

What do you call a Mexican melon?

A cantelopez! Came up with this on all by myself. I'm a new Dad, so I feel as if I've significantly leveled up my Dad Joke ability.

What did the hair stylist do when the Beach Boys came on?

The barber ran

How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the changes necessary will come from within.

How many Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, change comes from within.

How many Budists does it take... How many Budists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The change, if needed, will come from within.

Knock knock. Who's there? Opportunity.

That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there?

European

How are false teeth like stars?

They come out at night!

How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?

Because he had a vowel movement.

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