Bar Jokes

What's a rabbi's favorite type of bar?

It's sure as hell not a bar-mitzvah, those things are expensive.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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Why did the emo kid leave the bar?

It was happy hour.

What do you call it when a Physics Teacher throws a bar of chocolate at you?

Brownian Motion

Why did the chicken walk into the bar?

To screw in the lightbulb.

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

The fun guy

How did the handyman feel after going to the bar?

He was hammered.

What do you call a bar in Star Wars?

A space bar.

What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar?

Weight for it...

What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?

Let Meowt!!!!

Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar?

So he could save his stool.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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What did Bea Arthur whisper in her lover's ear?

An elaborate fantasy in which she is in prison and tries to escape by chewing through the bars of her cell.

How can you tell when a bar is haunted?

It's full of Boo's and Spirits.

What is a long distance love?

It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.

Why did 20 blondes stand outside the bar?

Because you need to be 21 to get in.

Why did the boxer bring a bar of soap into the ring?

The referee said he wanted a clean fight.

Why did Snake walk into the bar?

Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.

What's the easiest sport to get into?

Limbo. They don't set the bar very high.

What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him?

He got him diss barred.

How is a woman like a bar?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back ()

Why is the topmost floor the best place to drink in?

That's how you set the bar high.

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What kind of bars do lesbian Eskimos go to?

Klondike Bars

Why did the director get kicked out of the bar?

He was making a scene!

What did the scientist say at the bar?

I'd like some H20 please.

How can a law student make it?

Lowering the bar. or not to.

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work?

He was expecting showers.

Why did the chord get kicked out of the bar?

Because he was Aminor

Why couldn't the pickle leave the bar?

Because the door was ajar!

Why did the ghosts haunt the bar?

For the boos.

What's the smallest drink you can order at a bar?

A mar tiny.

Why did the nun always go to the same bar?

Habit

Why is a train a bad person to go to the bar with?

Because all he says is "Chug Chug Chug"

Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?

Because they had no bars on their cells!

Why did the ghost get kicked out of the bar?

Because he was sheet faced.

What do you call an attractive bee who goes to bars?

A bar-bee!

What two games does Carl Sagan play at the bar?

Billiards and Billiards

Where did AT&T get their 2007 slogan?

Ireland: More bars in more places

How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?

You have to read ursine.

What did Larry McMurtry say when his neighbor asked to borrow a bar of soap?

He said "Sure! I could loan some Dove".

What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar?

I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there

What'll you have?

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

She heard that the drinks were on the house.

What did the deaf bug order at the bar?

A Bee-Ear

What kind of bar do fish go to?

A sand bar.

What did the horse say when it walked into the bar?

Ouch...

What did the frog say when he walked into the bar?

Bonjour.*

What does Light Yagami drink at the bar?

Tekira!

What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar?

I don't know.

What does Harry Potter say when he walks into a bar?

I Expectsum Patronum

What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!

Why are law students known for drinking?

They are getting ready for the Bar exam.

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard drinks were on the house.

Why couldn't the chord get into the bar?

She was A minor.

What did Harry Potter order when he went to the bar?

Expecto-Patron-On-Ice

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?

Ok you 2 dont start anything

Why did the goal post get angry?

Because the bar was rattled!

What do you use to buy drinks?

Bar tender

Why don't anti-vaxxers hang out in bars?

They're afraid of the shots.

What did the horse order at the bar?

Chardaneiiiiiiggghhhhh

Why was the gymnast disqualified?

He walked into a bar.

Why were the Seven Dwarfs kicked out of the bar?

Because they were Miners...

What did the super spy polyatomic ion say when he walked into the bar?

The name's Bond, Covalent Bond

Why did the rabbi walk into the bar?

Because he likes oldfashioned jokes.

Why did the horse run into the bar?

He didn't jump high enough.

What do horses drink at the bar?

Chardon-neigh

Why do we keep putting criminals behind bars?

Putting criminals behind bars seems like a bad idea once you consider all the alcohol they're now next to

Why don't bars in London have Happy Hour?

They're in Greenwich Mean Time.

How to be part of a joke?

One must simply walk into a bar

Why did the 3 men go in to the bar?

To get drunk

Where did AT&ampT get their 2007 slogan?

Ireland: More bars in more places

What do ghosts order at the bar?

Sam-BOO!-ca

Why did all the prisoners at the AT&ampT jail escape?

Because they had no bars on their cells!

What professional hates going to the bar?

A lawyer

What did the bartender say to the gold when the gold walked into a bar?

AU, get outta here!

What did the man say when he walked into a bar?

Ouch!

What does the man say when he walks into the bar?

Can I please get a drink

A termite walks into a bar and says...

'Where is the bar tended?'

A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...

'Can I join you?'

A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...

I'm sorry, we don't serve food here

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"

Pop,goes the weasel.

Two guys walk into a bar...

The first guy says "Ouch!" and the second says "Yeah, I didn't see it either."

A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

Bartender says, "here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!"

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Scent Jokes More Scent Jokes

How do skunks like their e-mails?

Scent.

What do you call a scent that wanders?

An a-roam-a.

Kind Jokes More Kind Jokes

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?

Hip-pop.

What kind of dog can you best see in the dark?

A glowberman pinscher!

Klondike Jokes More Klondike Jokes

What kind of bars do lesbian Eskimos go to?

Klondike Bars

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog?

Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.

Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?

Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What did the hippie say when he was asked to leave the couch he was sleeping/staying on?

Namast (nah-ima-stay)

What did the one electron say to the other when it asked it out on a date?

Get outta here, I'm not attracted to you!

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

What did one mosquito say to another when they came out of the cinema?

Fancy a bite

Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany?

Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!

House Jokes More House Jokes

When is paint free?

When it's on the house.

How did I get here?

I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower.

Party Jokes More Party Jokes

What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party?

You're not owld enough.

What is a horses favourite kind of party?

A stall ball.