How do I stay humble?

Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.

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How does procrastination start?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

What did the tree do when the bank closed?

It started its own branch

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Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense?

So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.

What kind of snake is good at building things?

A boa constructor.

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What did the yoga teacher say to her land lord when he tried to evict her?

Nah Imma stay

What's the difference between a tea bag and England?

A tea bag stays longer in a cup.