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Hell Jokes

What's a rabbi's favorite type of bar?

It's sure as hell not a bar-mitzvah, those things are expensive.

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How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

Why do they say cleanliness is next to godliness?

Because every time i talk dirty to my wife she tells me to go to hell.

Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell?

Easy. More traffic is going to hell.

What's a doll in Hell called?

Barbiecue.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth

What do you get when you mix a fly, a snake head, and Mickey Mouse?

The hell out of there.

Why did the bad demon burn after finding the length it took to rise diagonally from hell?

Cos' sin tans

Why did Bernie Sanders cross the road?

He didn't, he was distributed evenly on both sides. Bernie supporters, please don't downvote me to hell, it's just a joke

How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, I just set the bulb down somewhere, now I can't find it. Where the hell did the bulb go?

What's a three letter word for Hell?

DMV.

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What is the definition of diplomacy?

The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

How did Satan turn an unbeliever holy?

He scared the hell out of him.

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

Whats the difference between reddit and hell?

Hell bad people

What do you get when you mix a Mexican with an octopus?

I dont know, but it sure as hell can pick apples.

What's black and red, flashes like hell and annoys men?

Live Jasmine

Why should the Roman Catholic Church allow priests to marry?

They would have a more detailed understanding of what Hell is actually like.

Why is heaven a paradise for the common man?

Because all the politicians are in hell.

Why dont blind people go skydiving?

It scares the hell out of the dog.

What did Davy Crockett say when he looked over The Alamo wall and saw 5,000 Mexican Soldiers?

Who the hell ordered a new roof?

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What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?

Having a pair of legs...... I know, I know, I'm going to hell

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Why did jillian fall of the swing?

She had no arms! Why didnt jillian get back up? She had no legs! Knock knock! Whos there? Sure as hell not jillian

Why is it bad for blind people to skydive?

It scares the hell out of the dog

What's better than a tall woman wrapping her legs around you?

A short woman trying like hell.

What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?

I said, "It's not what it looks like!"

What the hell?

Why are you skipping numbers girl 1: Because I can't even!!!

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?

They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

What the hell is this?

Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!

What do you get when you cross a rhino with an elephant?

Hell-if-i-know (my grandma's favorite joke)

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Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?

Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

How much for this melted ghost?

Sir that's a bed sheet "You have a lot of them! And they're packaged IS THIS GHOST HELL" This is a Macys

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure' guy?

And what is he running for

Why did the tin man go to hell?

Because he's a sinner.

What's the Difference between a Wife and an Attic Door?

An attic door can shut up. im going to hell

What's black and got ten arms?

I've got no idea, but it probably can pick cotton like hell.

What the hell was that?

What the hell was that What the hell was that " (Winning Scriptwriter Submission for Ghost Hunters)

Why There is No Readhead in Hell?

God does not punish twice.

What will Gene Wilder's last will and testament will say?

YOU GET NOTHING! Yeah I'm going to hell.

What's a orphans first words?

I don't know. But it sure as hell isn't mommy or daddy.

Why in the hell do you have so much respect but I don't?

Cat: "You 'bow' while me 'owe'."

Where're we going?

Who the hell did I just drop off at school!

Where the hell are u?

ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there

What would you folks like?

HER: I'll have the s- ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY!

What the hell is an Ovechkin?

The guy says "It's a White Russian with no ice and no cup!"

What's white & falls from the sky?

The coming of the Lord." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.

Why was everyone shivering at the inauguration?

Because it's a cold day in hell....

Why are u home so early?

Hubby: "My boss said go to hell!"

What material does Cayde-6 use to repair his armor after falling feet first into hell?

Nathan Filaments () X-Post from /r/DestinyTheGame

What happens when you plant a sesame seed?

Does a sesame grow What is a sesame Where my botanists at Where the hell am I

How the hell would she know?

We only met last week!

What the hell is this REstraining Order?

I never even got a Straining Order I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here. GUY: I love that song. ME: What song

How do you know the devil is white?

Because he owns hell, he doesn't work for hell.

What internet provider does Satan use in hell?

Comcast

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer's parents?

Do they know she's riding a damn crocodile into a volcano

When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?

I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones

What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

What the hell is a mango doing in a bar?

But chessy but gets a good giggle

What the hell is that?

Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

Why do terrorists in Antarctica love being interrogated?

Snow boarding is fun as hell.

Where the hell did you get?

The barkeep asks. "I won it, playing cards", says the pig.

What the hell is a steering wheel doing there?

The pirate replies: "Arr, it's been driving me nuts"

Why the hell would I use turn signals?

I know where we're going.

Who the hell does that in a sock?

Squishes out of the room*

Which Shampoo They Preferred?

The Top Answers Was: Get The Hell Out Of My Bathroom!

What's the hottest album in hell right now?

Views from the 666

What did you do before you were married sir?

*with teary eyes* whatever the hell i wanted to do...

Who the hell buys furniture online?

Why would you buy a chair or couch you can't even sit in What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay

How the hell did he escaped?

Guard: He went through the entrance.

What is life?

Where am I going & -What the hell is a "spokes" person for a bike company called

What the hell is albatrout?

That's not real. 10yo: Now you're in doubt! Me: But... 10yo: ALBATROUT

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub?

I put soap and water in there every day...

How the hell should I know?

Let me talk to a few criminals and see who they think is scariest.

Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

Why are you home so early?

Me: My boss told me to go to hell

Why will we never know if Rick James was bald?

Rogaine is a hell of a drug.

Why the hell are Zach Braff, Zach Galifianakis & Zac Efron not running around Hollywood as the "Zach Pack"?

This needs to happen.

How was your history test?

Timmy: "Who the hell are you "

What do you get when you chop up a fruit and mix it with vegetables?

I don't know but it was hard as hell stealing thier wheelchairs with pieces of Richard Simmons tripping me up.

Who the hell is this Rorschach guy?

And why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting

What did granny say after leaving her handbag on a bus?

Allahu Akbar!" I'm going to hell for this.

What the hell are you going to do with 30 dollars?

Why do you want 10 dollars

What the hell did you expect for ten dollars?

Lobster

Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven?

Hell was full.

What kind of buildings do terrorists have on their farms?

Allahu akbarns (I'm going to hell)

What the hell are you doing here in my white and gold dress?

No honey, it s not what it looks like.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Hell-if-I-know

Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?

She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

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What did the Mexican princess ask her sister?

Tijuana build a snowman

How do Mexicans warm their houses in the winter months?

Central Fajiting.

Black People Jokes More Black People Jokes

What's the same about nail care and black people?

They're both manicures

How do black people tan?

Holding their hands up

Swiss Jokes More Swiss Jokes

What state makes exclusively Swiss cheese?

Swisconsin.

Why does God like Swiss cheese?

It's holey! get it

Stairway Jokes More Stairway Jokes

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell?

Easy. More traffic is going to hell.

Thing Jokes More Thing Jokes

What's funny about majorities?

Most things.

Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?

And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?

Talk Jokes More Talk Jokes

What did the cat say to the banana?

Banana... What did the cow say to the banana Banana... What did the goat say to the banana Baaah- nothing. Goats can't talk.

What's the opposite of Stephen Hawking?

Stephen Talking.

German Jokes More German Jokes

What do you call it when a group of Germans give you money online?

Kraut funding

What is the German word for Constipation?

Farfrompoopen.

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