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Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea?

Getting the news from your dentist

Why did the feminist's bakery go out of business?

She told people to stop patronizing her.

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What did Samsung Galaxy S 5 say to the iPhone 6?

Get bent" I hope you guys like this joke. I just came up with it.

What's the difference between a married guy and a single guy?

Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.

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Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

Because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)