Thing Jokes

How has society let things go so far down hill that it still takes two minutes to make popcorn?

China probably can pop corn in one minute.

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What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let's not rush things, OK

What's the first thing you install on a new computer?

The operating system

How do cats buy things?

From a cat-alogue!

What is the thing called that irrigates your lawn?

A garden Jose.

What do you call a reptile that loves putting things in groups?

A segreGATOR

What's the thing that is about 5-6 inches long, it goes into mouth and when you rub it back and forth it produces a white liquid?

A toothbrush.

What are the two things?

Girl: Your feet.

What's the only thing politicians stand for?

Reelection.

What's the only thing that could have saved George Michael?

A whambulance

What is the only thing that will be "Feeling the Bern"?

Working people's wallets.

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Why are fish so gullible?

They fall for things hook line and sinker!

Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud?

He doesn't know how to turn things down

What was the only thing missing from phil hughes' last innings?

A duck

What is the first thing that vampires learn at school?

The alphabat.

How does the Pope pay for things online?

Papal

What's this bit here?

NURSE: ...his heart ME: Hm. NURSE: Your resume said you were a surgeon ME: My resume says a lot of things

Why do elephants have trunks?

Because they've no pockets to put things in!

What's the only thing worse than asbestos?

Asworstos.

How do you stick things together like Fred Flinstone?

You add a dab of glue.

Why was the lobster arrested?

Because he was always pinching things.

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What's the last thing you want to see on the reddit frontpage?

This joke. PS: You don't think so Prove me wrong.

What did you get 100 in?

Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well at least you can add!

How many livers do people have?

I want to make sure I have a backup before I put this thing on Ebay.

Why would anyone ever want to fly Virgin Airlines?

The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn't go all the way.

What was the last thing that went through JFK's head?

A bullet.

How do I stay humble?

Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.

Why is your January report card so bad?

Son: Well you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas!

What was the first thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 victims?

Their knees! Please comment "No"

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it's the first thing they say when I approach them.

What's the last thing you hear before a pubic hair falls to the ground?

Spits*

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What are they doing?

Now I wonder the same thing.

Why ever not?

The teacher doesn't know a thing all she does is ask questions!

What's the first thing a hillbilly says after losing her virginity?

Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?

It's rear end!

Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense?

So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.

What do Gungans put things in?

Jar Jars.

Why does Tom Hiddleston only invite his closest friends/family to his birthday?

He likes to keep things low key.

What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears?

You're hired" "Not guilty"

What's the last thing you want to hear right after you get done blowing Willie Nelson?

I ain't Willie Nelson.

What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?

A. They really raised Cain.

What did Shakespeare say when asked how his wife keeps things interesting?

Anne hath a way.

What is the one thing you shouldn't do at a funeral?

The corpse.

How can a thing be heavier than it is?

T: No-sees it's almost 3 pm Magic

Where are things that are very average produced?

The satis-factory.

What's the only thing working out at the gym?

The business plan.

What was the last thing Daedalus said to Icarus?

You've got a lot of potential, son.

What do you call a scientist that measures things in space?

A cosmetrologist.

How do you know it's safe to feed the ducks the same thing as the Canadian geese down at the pond?

Because what's good the goose is good for Merganser.

What was the first thing Hellen Keller noticed at the beach?

The volleyball net.

Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets to the battered shelter?

The dishes if she knows whats good for her.

What was the last thing Robin Williams said to his wife?

You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.

What was the last thing that the homeless man heard before becoming a giant?

Go big or go home

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

Walks home.

What did Adam say to Eve the first time he got an erection?

Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is gonna get!

Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

When things go wrong, what can you always count on?

Your fingers.

What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?

"Today children we will learn our ABC's"

Where did you get that thing?

Parrot says, "Africa."

What do you call someone who keeps trying the same thing again and again, yet expects different results?

A weapons designer for the First Order.

How many things do you need to change a lightbulb?

3, a person, a ladder, and another lightbulb

Why do scientists look for things twice?

Because they research everything.

What are you called if you are paid to be a thing?

A pro-noun!

What's the only thing worse than a worm in your apple?

Reposts

What do you call a Mustard that keeps remembering things that haven't happened yet?

Dijon-vu mustard... (Sorry)

Why do mermaids put their things on top of clams?

Because clams are shelf-ish.

What kind of snake is good at building things?

A boa constructor.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?

Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs

What's the last thing someone wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson.

Where's the genie?

Takes off lampshade* What's wrong with this thing

What's the first thing Aaron Hernandez learned in prison?

He's not a tight end anymore)

What's the first thing the pope did after resigning?

Asked Jerry Sandusky for his lil black book.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They're married.

Why is that?

Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.

Why do they call me an oven?

Because when I get turned on things get really hot

What did pancake Chip say to his friend pancake Berry when Berry was sad?

Don't feel blue, Berry, things will get batter

Why does Yoda like having a lot of things to do?

It makes his Dagobah faster.

Why aren't you doing very well in history?

Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

What is mitosis?

Those are the things on the ends of my feetsis. Thought of this during my last bio exam.

What is one thing you always get on your birthday?

Older

How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic?

Cash or Czech Edit: a word

What was one thing Nicholas the 2nd of Russia not good at?

Czarcasm.

What are you doing with that thing?

The pirate responds: "Arr, its been drivin' me nuts."

How do inmates pay for things in prison?

With ConCurrency, of course.

How do they tie things down on the space station?

They use astro knots.

How do you drive this thing?

Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "GLUGGLUGBLUGBWOOABB"

What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire?

Lawn chair.

Why was the monster standing on his head?

He was turning things over in his mind.

How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent?

She starts her sentance with "A man once told me"

What do you call a seamstress who makes things up?

A *fabric*ator. It was a slow day at work...

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

How strict is the "I licked it, it's mine" policy?

There's some things I've licked that I don't want.

How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha?

He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together

What is one thing that both Australians &amp Americans share the same view on?

1961

What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute?

Oh yeah...39

What did the one fish in the tank say to the other?

Do you know how to drive this thing

How does a man see things from woman's point of view?

By looking out the kitchen window.

Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.

Why did the firefly keep stealing things?

What goes "snap crackle and pop" A firefly with a short circuit!

What's the first thing an Owl asks when you trow a rock at it?

HOOO did that!

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Italian Jokes More Italian Jokes

How do you get a one armed Italian out of a tree?

You talk to him!

What's a specimen?

An Italian astronaut

Lover Jokes More Lover Jokes

What did the lesbian vampire say to her lover?

See you next month

What happened when the two lovers were watching a scary movie in a year when Valentine's Day happened to fall on Friday the 13th?

Oh wait, nevermind. I'm an idiot...*

Manage Jokes More Manage Jokes

How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs?

They sit eggsaminations!

What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

How long have you had this problem?

The doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41

What did Larry McMurtry say when his neighbor asked to borrow a bar of soap?

He said "Sure! I could loan some Dove".

Shake Jokes More Shake Jokes

What do you get when you cast Michael J. Fox as Walter White?

Shaking Bad.

Why is the fridge shaking so much?

It's running just fine. Probrably because it's so turned on!

Swiss Jokes More Swiss Jokes

Where does a burger go on vacation?

The Swiss (cheese) Alps or The Cheeseapeake Valley!

What do you call a Swiss priest?

A Holy Cheese!

Second Jokes More Second Jokes

Why didn't rail Castro want to be President of Cuba?

He didn't want to play second fidel

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

Gastronomy Jokes More Gastronomy Jokes

What does a chef and a gravitational wave astronomer have in common?

They both work in gastronomy

What's the difference between astronomy and gastronomy?

Astronomy is about things too big to wrap your head around, while gastronomy is about things small enough to wrap your head around.