American Jokes

What did the American WWI vet say to the angry German veteran?

Can't we just let Argonne's be Argonne's?

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What do you call an American late night channel block dedicated to tsundere anime shows?

Tsunami

What two things look exactly the opposite but mean exactly the same?

9/11 and 11/9 - darkest days in American history

Why do American bears have forelimbs?

They have the right to bear arms

When you arrive at the international airport you are American. There is a room that changes your nationality. When you enter this room you are Russian, when you leave this room you are Finnish, and while inside European. What room is it?

Why do Americans hate knock knock jokes?

Because Freedom Rings.

Who lose in the presidential debate?

American.

Who lost the presidential debate?

We Americans

What did the American biscuit say to the British biscuit?

Girl you sure are sweet.

Why do Americans order their dates Month/Day/Year?

Because 11/9 just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Why are Americans bad at chess?

They lost two towers

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Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

What do you call a sophisticated American?

Canadian

Why don't Americans like their dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

What's the newest fitness craze sweeping American police forces?

Lead injections.

What did King George think of the American colonists?

He thought they were revolting!

Whats an American cops favourite shot?

A black rushing

What is Cersei Lannister's favorite American city?

Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love.

Why didn't the American get the burger?

Because the heart attack got him first.

What do you call a love triangle between a white person, a black person and a Native American?

Neapolitan.

Why are European cars the lightest?

Because there's no Americans sitting in them.

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Why did American football player Michael Vick want to see the film "Top Gun"?

He heard the film had dogfighting scenes

Why couldn't the American leave Russia?

He was snowden

What did Sam say to the young Americans?

Guess where this finger's going.

What does an American actor say when going to Europe?

Let's go PAL.

What's an American's favourite day of the week?

Fryday.

What do an Iraqi baby, an American president, and a homesick Brit visiting Jerusalem all want?

They all want either pees, peace or peas in the middle east.

Why can't American engineers design linear actuators?

Because they always try to maximize the degrees of freedom.

How can you tell that the movie Martian is not realistic?

Because Americans use imperial unit system.

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?

Q: What do you call someone who speaks two languages? A: Bilingual Q: What do you call someone who speaks three or more languages? A: Multilingual Q: What do you call someone who speaks one language? A: American

How can you tell if an American has a conceal carry permit?

They'll tell you.

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Where is the lift?

American: You mean the elevator? English: Yes, we call it a lift. American: It's called an elevator. We invented it. English: And we invented the language.

What do you call an empty bud light can on the side of the road?

A Native American artifact. What do you call a HALF-EMPTY bud light can on the side of the road? An extremely rare Native American artifact.

What's white on the outside and black on the inside?

An American police officer.

What did the American vet did when he came to back from Vietnam?

The guns wasn't in the horse fixing resume!

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

What's the difference between Americans and Europeans?

For an European 500 Miles is a long distance, for an American 500 years are a long History

Why is it OK to wash an American flag in hot water?

Because these colors don't run.

What's the difference between Americans and ice cream?

Ice cream fits in a tub.

Why can't Americans play chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

What would be the American version of "Duck Quacks Don't Echo"?

Jet Fuel Don't Melt Steel Beams".

What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?

Bilingual What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks only 1 language? American.

Why do Americans hate sunlight?

Because it's yellow and settles on their land too. And it melts snow.

What do you call someone who only speaks one language?

American.

Why are redditors American?

Because they always *tip*.

What kind of game are Americans worst at?

Tower defense.

What did the American Chef say to the Asian Chef?

Take a wok.

Where do Americans buy their groceries in Afghanistan?

At the infideli counter.

What do you call the most successful vasectomist in American history?

American Snipper

What's the difference between an American zoo and a Chinese zoo?

An American zoo will only have a description of the animal. The Chinese zoo has the price and recipe of the animal.

What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?

A Lift (only a joke, my American friends)

What's the American settler's spirit animal?

The groundhog.

What kind of Native American is Nikki Minaj?

Arapahoe.

How do Japanese people refer to American politicians?

Parti-san

Why do Europeans hate American food?

Europeans don't want to die yet. Unlike Americans who don't wanna diet.

How do we know that Darth Vader is American?

Because he marches to the Imperial March and not the Metric March

How many American golf fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1001 1 to offer up the bulb and 1000 to scream 'Get in the hole'

What do Americans call the summer holidays?

Ceasefire

What is the difference between an American rabbit and a French rabbit?

The American rabbit goes hippity hop and the French rabbit goes lickety split!

What's the difference between a Bald Eagle and an American?

The Bald Eagle is free c:

What's the difference between Canadians and Americans?

100 pounds.

What happens when an American has a heart attack and survives?

A 'murical.

Why do American tourists talk so loudly?

So that they can hear each other over their clothes

What do you say to a thin American?

Hows the chemotherapy going?

Why was it easier for the whistleblower to leave American soil earlier in the year?

It didn't Snowden.

What's the only thing the English and French agree on?

Americans. Alternatives: What's the only thing Americans and the French agree on? The English. What's the only thing the English and Americans agree on? The French.

How did Canada pick its name?

There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message. I know i need to work on my execution.