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German Jokes

What did the American WWI vet say to the angry German veteran?

Can't we just let Argonne's be Argonne's?

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

How do Germans tie their shoelaces?

In little knotsies....

Why did the German girl count to three, then cry?

Because her boyfriend was going in.

What happened to the German man's luggage?

It was Lufthansa plane

How do you say Vaseline in German?

Vienerslidein

Why don't Germans like humour?

Because it's inefficient!

How do you say constipated in German?

Farhfrumpoopin'.

How do you say car troubles in German?

Mein Karmph

How does a German get to the airport?

He heils a taxi!

What's the German super hero called?

Ale-Man

What do Germans look at on the internet?

Danke memes

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug

What's a Korean's favourite take on a traditional British meal?

German Shepherd pie.

What is a German's favorite number?

6000000

Why there are so many avenues in France?

Because German soldiers like to march in the shade

What did the German physicist call his beer mug?

Ein stein.

What do a WW2 German Soldier and an Animal Doctor have in common?

They're both Veteran-Arians (wah wah)

What do you call a German barber?

Herr Kutz (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)

What do they say for jokes about German sausages?

They are the wurst.

What does a German call a party without Sausage and Cheese?

A Wurst-Kse Scenario

How do you call sons of australians and germans?

Men at Work

What do you call the German word for Vaseline?

Derweinerslider

I Love Pizza & You

I Love Pizza & You

Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up?

They call their tailor Herr Dresser

What did the German clock maker say to the broken clock?

Ve haff vays of making you tock!

Why Are Germans Buried 20 Feet Underground?

Because deep down they're real nice

What's a German's favourite number?

Nein

What did the critic think of German food?

Their sausages are the wurst.

What did the balding German frau exclaim when her husband left her?

Ach! I tink I'm losing mein Herr!

Why were the German tomatoes drunk?

Because they'd been on the vine.

Why are the streets in Paris lined with trees?

So the German soldiers can march in shade.

What Nationality was Otzi the Caveman?

He wasn't Italian, because he carried work tools, he wasn't Austrian, since he had some brains, he might have been Swiss, since he was outrun by a glacier, but most probably he was a German, because nobody else ever walks in sandals in the mountains.

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

We've Got This Love Thing Down

We've Got This Love Thing Down

What did the cowboy say as he walked into a German car garage?

Audi

Why did microsoft go straight to windows 10?

They were trying to keep their German market.

What does a German say when you finally explain a funny meme to him?

Danke

Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out?

Because they took Pita on them

What do you say when German secret police is bugging you?

GeSTAHPo!

Why is the Champs-lyses lined with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

How do you say no in German?

Square root of 81

How do German bread greet each other?

Gluten tag!

What did one German baker say to the other?

Glutentag!

Why does a German always have the last laugh?

He has to wait for the verb.

What do Germans say when you show them a meme?

Danke.

What did the Germans name the Israeli Submarine?

Das Jude

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving

What is a German's favorite Pokemon?

NEINtales

Who pays for the drinks?

The German!

What causes German Earthquakes?

Teutonic Plates. I'm sorry I'll find my own way out

How do you make German potato pancakes?

Cook them in the microwave

Why did the German baker claim on his insurance at Christmas?

Because his bread was stollen!!!

What do you call a German physician who specializes in the epidermis of the scalp?

Herr Doctor.

How do you say virgin in German?

Goodandtight

What do you call a German grocery store that carries everything but fish?

Not Sea Food.

How do you make a German shepherd?

Put him in a synagogue.

Why so the French line their streets with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade

What does a German say at a Dude Ranch?

AUDI.

What'd you call a German businessman?

An enterpreNeuer.

What do German women's lingerie and Africa have in common?

Ze-bras!

What do you call a German who is afraid of enclosed spaces?

Klaustrophobic

What has 16 legs and speaks German?

Dppelspider

Why does everyone hate German sausage jokes?

Because they're the wurst.

Why did the German watchmaker say to the watch that kept saying "Tick, tick, tick, tick,..."?

Ve haff vays of meking you tock.

What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I'd tap that.

How do you say goodbye to German cheese?

Velveetazane

How do you say "bra" in German?

CUZITHODZITFOMFOPIN.

Why are Paris's streets lined with trees?

German soldiers like to march in the shade.

How do you say 'The Torah' in German?

Kindling.

What do you call ten German men standing abreast, walking backward?

OC A receeding Herr line.

Why don't Germans play games with new players?

Because they don't want to wreck Danubes.

How much does a German weigh?

Teutons.

How do you say "whoops" in German?

World War 2

What's green and German?

Snotzis.

Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kase scenario.

What's a German's favorite fruit?

An Auto-Bahnana

What did the German Footballer name his pet?

Schweinsteiger.

Why does Paris have tree lined streets?

Because the German army likes to march in the shade.

Whats the German version of silent night?

Kristall nacht

How do you turn German beer into American Beer?

Drink it

What do Germans call their own EasyMac?

Mein Kraft

What did the German with food allergies say?

Gluten Nacht

Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

The Germans like shade

What website are the germans least likely to laugh at?

Neingag.

What does the German President wear?

Leader-hosen.

Why did the German boy go to Summer camp?

I don't know he did notsay!

What do you call it when a group of Germans give you money online?

Kraut funding

What do you call a German rice cake?

A reich cake

What are the two main differences between a Chihuahua and a German shepherd?

1. Spelling 2. Pronunciation

What's worse than being German on D-Day?

Being single on V-Day.

What would you find on a German fire truck?

Ladder-hosen

Who took care of German army dogs after the war?

Veteran Aryans

What did the cowboy say upon entering the German dealership?

Audi

What do you call a German guy wearing basketball shoes?

Herr Jordan

Why was the German woman freaking out?

Because she was late.

What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase?

Audi *tips hat*

How many elves does a German santa have?

Elf.

What is the German word for Constipation?

Farfrompoopen.

Why did the horse fail German?

Because he could only say, "neighn!"

Which country has the nicest children?

Germany. German children are kinder.

How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?

First, invade ze kitchen...

What kind of memes do Germans like?

Danke memes

How do German women know when they're pregnant?

They're never late...

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Cop Jokes More Cop Jokes

Why aren't you allowed to smile when taking your driver IDs?

Because you won't be smiling when the cops pull you over.

Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln?

Because he was always in a cent.

Cook Jokes More Cook Jokes

What do you call the cook on a Soviet battleship?

The khrushchev

Why make us select "cook" at all?

Does my appliance have a calculator function or something Sincerely, Everyone

World Jokes More World Jokes

What's the name of the smallest pub in the world?

The Thalidomide Arms.

Why was the restaurant called "Out of this World"?

Because it was full of Unidentified Frying Objects.

Share Jokes More Share Jokes

Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?

They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.

Which similarities do Bon Jovi and geologists share?

They like rock.

Chinese Jokes More Chinese Jokes

How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh?

It weighs *Won-ton*

What sound does a Chinese cat make?

Mao

Engineer Jokes More Engineer Jokes

What time does an engineer set his alarm clock for?

Around Thevenin the morning

What kind of ears do trains have?

Engineers (engine ears).

Auschwitz Jokes More Auschwitz Jokes

7th Jokes More 7th Jokes

What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade?

He was having a mid-life crisis.

Why did Tupac go to the gym?

To get a sixpac! (Thank you 7th grade me)