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Pick Jokes

How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Natural selection.

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How do you pick up my ex girlfriend?

With a broom and a dustpan.

What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

Why was the Bhut Jolokia picked to be the captain of the cheer squad?

Because it was the hottest pepper.

What's the best thing about Sweden?

I can't pick, but their flag is a huge plus.

What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans?

Plot Holders.

What did the muslim telemarketer say when he picked up the phone?

Halal?

Why couldn't the whistleblower pick up his dry-cleaning?

Because he was Snowden! (Snowed in)

Why didn't Mick Jagger pick Randy Moss up from the airport?

Because a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

What did Bruce Willis say to motivate his son?

Son, if at first you don't succeed, Try Hard. If that doesn't work, Try Hard 2. If that still doesn't work, Try Hard with a Vengeance. Remember, you can't pick between the choice to Live Free or Try Hard. They go together. Everyday's A Good Day to Try Hard.

Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?

To lay off his campaign staff.

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Where's the best place to pick up a girl who plays hard-to-get?

Around the ankles and wrists

Why did the egg get a ticket from a lady police officer?

Because he was picking up good vibrations.

Why wouldn't the race car driver pick up the hitchhiker?

Because he didn't have enough vroom!

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't care. You pick

How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalogue. ba dum tss

What do black birds pick?

CAAAAAAAH-tin...

What was the terrorist's pick up line?

Hey babe, I've got a large pipe bomb and I never pre-maturely detonate.

Why do sailors use liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.

Why do rappers love weed so much?

Because the majority of their relatives used to pick it

How do you pick up Mexican Girls?

Border Patrol.

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What do you get when you mix a Mexican with an octopus?

I dont know, but it sure as hell can pick apples.

How do you call a dog with no legs?

You don't call it, you pick it up.

What did the fisherman from Boston say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

How do you pick up older Spanish women?

Hola Seniority

What's your favorite pick up line?

Mine is the Ford F Series.

Where do beers go to pick up girls?

Ho Gardens

What did the crop say to the Farmer?

Why are you picking on me?

What did the elephant say to the man?

Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?

What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

That thing sure is cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

How did Canada get its name?

They picked random letters out of a hat. C.... eh? N... eh? D....eh?

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What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?

Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?

Why was the paleontologist angry?

Because he had a bone to pick.

What was the bear's favourite pick-up line?

Hey baby, what's ursine?

Why did the elephant paint his balls green?

To hide in avocado trees.. How did Tarzan die? Answer: Picking avocados

What are you looking for buddy?

Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose:

Where can you go to pick up black birds?

The crow bar

What is Weird Al Yankovic's favorite pick up line?

Hey, so are you familiar with my parodies? Yeah my PAIR O DEEZ NUTS!!!

Why did Johnny Bravo go to the pet store?

To pick up some chicks.

How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away.

Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?

It takes longer to pick up.

Why are ska bands so clean?

They always pick it up pick it up pick it up.

How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to drop it and six to pick it up pick it up pick it up

What's the best thing about picking up a homeless chick?

It doesn't matter where you drop them off.

What is the difference between pick and choose?

To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.

What is the mathematician's favorite pick-up line?

Hey baby, wanna see the exponential growth of my natural log?

How many ska kids does it take to change a light bulb?

Three; one to drop the bulb and two to yell "pick it up pick it up!"

What is the best thing about liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up.

Whats your best "This is so bad that " joke?

For example, "this is so bad TBS just picked it up for 6 episodes."

Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

How does a black woman know that she's pregnant?

The baby starts picking cotton off her tampons.

How did Canada pick its name?

There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message. I know i need to work on my execution.

What did the booger say to the finger?

Pick on someone your own size.

What is Tony Romo's favorite lottery game?

Pick Six

Why did black people pick so much cotton?

Because we told them to.

How did they name Canada?

They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.

Why did Clemson choose orange as its team color?

So they could play football on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up garbage the rest of the week.

Why did they start using liquid soaps in prisons?

If you thought because you can't drop it, guess again) Because it takes longer to pick up.

Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake?

Someone else's!

Who is the richest person in the Bible?

The Pharao's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.

How is the American public now like Socrates?

By November, they will have both picked their poison.

How do you pick up a feminist?

Like a bowling ball.

How do you pick out the extroverted engineer?

He's the one staring at YOUR feet when he talks

How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day?

Like what if you find a penny

Why could Don Juan always pick up girls in his car?

It was electric. Also, the car had a set of hands.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse?

Try picking them up!

What did the fisherman say to the card magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

What do women and dog-poop have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Why did the cave hate miners?

They're always picking on him.

Where does Ned Flanders pick up women?

On OkilyDokilyCupid

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

What's black and got ten arms?

I've got no idea, but it probably can pick cotton like hell.

Who's there! Ammon! Ammon who?

Ammon old hand at picking locks!

What if the lion's too close?

Picking up tiny stool "we've thought of that"

What's the best way to pick up a woman?

Like a sixpack

How many rudeboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twenty. 1 to drop it, 19 to go "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up".

What does a feminist pick up from the post office?

Their femail

What career choice to hippies usually pick?

Chemistry, because there is lots of acid involved.

Why do they use liquid soap in the Navy?

It takes longer to pick up

Why is Cam Newton's house so dirty?

He doesn't pick up after himself.

Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan?

Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.

Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?

New Jersey picked first.

How do you pick Dolly Parton's Kids out of a crowd?

They're the ones with stretch marks around their lips.

What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?

Help! My pocket's been picked!

What, really?

I said. "Yes, they're coming to pick you up in an hour"

Why are there separate book donation boxes for Nigeria, Ghana, AND Zambia outside the bookstore?

Am I supposed to pick my favorite

Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it's like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

How do you pick up women in Waco, Texas?

With a DustBuster.

What's the difference between a cake and a school bus?

Jill: I don't know. Janet: I'm glad I didn't send you to pick up my birthday cake!

Why did the mother cat pick up her kittens?

She didn't want to litter

What do you tell the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he picks up a miniature version of his weapons?

Those are the wrong Sais.

What pick-up line works 100% of the time?

Does this smell like chloroform to you

What kind of dog is this?

Well actu.." "Hes cute" *pets it* "Sir thats my.." *picks it up* "Your a good dog arent you " "PUT MY SON DOWN"

Which one is yours?

Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

What did the pirate say to his kids when picking them up from school?

Get in the carrrrrrrrrrrr!

Why does the corn hate the farmer?

Because he picks his ears!

What do you call a mushroom that picks up the bar tab?

A FUNGI to be with!

What's the difference between a pick-up artist and an Atari 2600?

An Atari 2600 has more game.

What does the caller ID say?

Mom: It's a private caller. Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.

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Wish Foundation Jokes More Wish Foundation Jokes

What's the one thing make a wish foundation can't give you?

The cure

What do you call three Make-a-Wish Foundation kids?

A genie.

Black Woman Jokes More Black Woman Jokes

How long does it take for a black woman to poop?

Nine months.

How long does it take a black woman to poo?

9 mouths

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a normal ambulance and a skydiving ambulance?

Well, a normal ambulance is usually a van with a stretcher in the back. A skydiving ambulance A bucket and a shovel.

What's the difference between a Dutch oven and a German one?

The type of gas used.

Ex Girlfriend Jokes More Ex Girlfriend Jokes

What did the blue crab call his ex girlfriend?

Old Bay

What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and ebola?

At least Ebola will finish me off

Sort Jokes More Sort Jokes

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?

All sorts of antics!

Why can't random men check random women's breasts for cancel?

Because that sort of information is on a knead to know basis.

Tooth Jokes More Tooth Jokes

What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A Brick.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

Where do cats go once they have used up all nine of their lives?

Purrgatory.

What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves?

Your mom.

Mexican Jokes More Mexican Jokes

What do Mexicans play at their funerals?

Another Juan Bites The Dust

Where do Mexicans get their car parts?

From Vato Zone