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What do you call it when one piece of coal asks another piece of coal out to dinner?

Carbon dating.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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What's the easiest way to end a friendship?

Just asking for a friend

What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

An algorithm.

Why you ask?

If it was any longer it wouldn't be a foot

Why so glum Chum?

Asked the kindly stranger. "If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister "

Where do you see yourself exploding in five years?

They asked.

Whenever I meet a Jim I ask, "is that short for Jimberly?

And I have few friends in real life.

Why aren't you married yet" is like asking "Why haven't you jumped from a moving car yet?

B/c it's painful and not required

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look ask me when I get back from India okay

What did the yogi say to his friends when they asked him to leave?

Nah I'ma stay

How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

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Why did the army's craftsman enact a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy?

He didn't want any glaze in the military

What were you before you came to school boys and girls?

Asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"

What is she doing?

The pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."

What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?

TB or not TB, that is the question.

How do you feel?

Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.

Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?

And whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

Asking for a friend

Why ever not?

The teacher doesn't know a thing all she does is ask questions!

Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

When asked which is more important looks or brains?

9 out of 10 zombies said "braaaaiiiiinnnnssss" number 10 ate the researcher.

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How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?

He asks with a large smile on his face.

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

Ask them to pronounce the following: **HIRES**

How can you tell if someone's a redditor,in real life?

Ask them if they're on reddit. I'm sorry.

When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Papers?

Answer "Scissors." then drive away..

What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?

Asks his wife. "31 black"

What would Fred Flintstone say if you asked him which city had the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world?

Abu Dhabi Dooooooo!

Why is grandpa fine with performing tricks, but gets mad if you ask grandma?

It took him forever to get her off that street corner.

How do you ask for a cigarette in Spain?

Tapas a snout!

When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?

Do NOT respond with "I know, right!"

How do you know he's a peeping tom?

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a Pikachu'".

What are we going to do when we see it?

She asks. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there."

When someone asks "You know what I think?

I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.

What country are you from?

I asked. "Iraq" he said. "How did you escape " I asked. IRAN

When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?

She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long

What happens when u ask a fake logic fan... What is your favorite logic album?

Their response Flexicution

What hotel does Link always ask for?

HYATT

What do you get when you mix Fascism and Communism?

I don't know, that's why I was asking you.

What will it be for you, my friend?

The vendor asks. "Make me one with everything"

What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?

6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

What do you do when your Apple device gets warm?

Ask apple to open the backdoor.

When your boss asks you "do I look stupid to you?

It's a rhetorical question I know this now

How do you ask someone if they're Vegan?

You don't need to, they'll tell you

What did the Morman say when asked what kind of wives he wanted?

Brigham Young

What would Arnold Schwarzenegger say if you asked him his favorite holiday?

You have to love Easter, baby." (OC)

Why the sad face?

Asks the bartender. "I got fired."

What did the one electron say to the other when it asked it out on a date?

Get outta here, I'm not attracted to you!

When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?

Not yet," she replied

What's a magazine?

Asked every guy under 30.

What did the Canadian eel say when the bartender asked him if he'd had enough?

No, I think I'd like some more-ay.

What did Shakespeare say when asked how his wife keeps things interesting?

Anne hath a way.

When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask "who's in charge of tossing the salads here?

Then I frown & order the soup.

What did baby corn asked mummy corn?

Where's popcorn.

What is Santa's favorite type of cookie?

Ask your dad.

What did Blake Edwards say when asked if he had a roomate?

Yes, I have a rhuuuum, mate!

Who does Luke Skywalker ask to charge his lightsaber?

Char-Jar Binks

When people say "May I ask who's calling?

I like to say "Sure, go ahead."

Why are football players never asked for dinner?

Because they're always dribbling!

What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?

Asking for my two year old.

What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie?

I'll be Bach.

How do you get three drunk, rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

Ask them to get out of the pool.

Why the long pause?

Asks the bartender. The bear replies "Well, I am a bear"

What do liberals and homeless people have in common?

They are always asking for change.

How do you make $3 million in 48 seconds?

Ask Ronda Rousey!

What do Mexicans cut their pizza with?

I asked, "What " He said, "Little Caesars!"

When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?

Hold on, let me get my bear rings.

What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?

Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

How did I get here?

I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower.

What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice-cream?

Sure, Bert!

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

When your kid asks you (daddy is it time to go crazy?

You don't know what to say until you wife reply's (idk go ask you dad.) what do you say My little joke

How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair?

Asking because Spider-Man... I mean... Just asking.

How, you ask?

I walked into an autopsy. It was stiff.

What are they gonna do?

Ask you to extinguish your celery Doubtful.

Why do people always ask me for directions?

I have no clue where I am going. I am sure i have sent 100's of people into the ocean.

What did Mr T say when asked if he had any wool?

Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.

When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?

She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car?

GtOnly if you go aks your mother.

What did Adele say when asked where her dog is?

Groomer has it

What do you get if you ask a bear to spare some of his salmon?

The Bear Glare.

How to stop a kid from growing up. How do you stop your kids from growing up?

Ask Jozsef Barsi.

Why Colonel had a bunch of underwears?

Because, Brigadier General asked him to debrief his team.

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them?

Like, did you ask him Because only one of us is screaming right now.

What did the ocean ask the scooba diver?

Water you doing here

What asks no question but demands an answer?

A doorbell or a ringing telephone.

How do you make a Game of Thrones fan sad?

You ask them to hold the door for you.

What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?

It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds no wait - 13 seconds no wait - 14 seconds no wait......

What did the car dealer ask the oscilloscope?

Sin or cosine

How do you tell the difference between a factory worker, and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'

What did the hippy who has been crashing on your couch for the last 2 weeks say when you asked him to leave?

Am I supposed to say the answer or let y'all guess for a bit!

What's the difference between "Fake News" and CNN?

I don't know Reddit, that's why I'm asking you

What was Lincoln's worst decision as President?

He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

What is wrong with me?

Asking for a friend..

When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?

I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones

What's the difference between a married guy and a single guy?

Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.

What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.

What's so funny?

Asks the dermatologist. "Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

Why do baseball pitchers make bad doctors?

Because when asked to 'give it to them straight', they throw a curveball!

What does the scientist say when asked if Invisibility Cloak will be applicated by the military?

Yes, but you won't see it any time soon.

When do accountants laugh out loud?

When somebody asks for a raise

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