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What was Lincoln's worst decision as President?

He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

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What should you do if a bird poos on your car?

Don't ask her out again

What's so funny?

Asks the dermatologist. "Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

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Which president was least guilty?

Lincoln, because he is in a cent.

Where was Matthew McConaughey headed in those Lincoln commercials?

Dunno but I'm sure he made all rights all rights all rights.

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Which president was the most logical?

Lincoln. He made the most cents.

Why is Hillary running for President?

Because it's easier than running from the law.

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What do you call something that swims, is big and has 4 legs?

A whale with a table taped to it.

Who has one thumb and isn't allowed to use the table saw anymore?

This guy.