President Jokes

Which president was least guilty?

Lincoln, because he is in a cent.

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What do you call a president who interrupts people?

Donald Tr- WRONG!

How did the U. S. elect an Orange as president?

Gerrymandarin.

What President of the United States smells the worst?

The-Odor-e Roosevelt.

What's with everyone being scared of clowns recently?

Americas already got two running for president.

What would be funny about Hillary as president?

That she would be sitting at the desk that Monica once kneeled under!

Why isn't the Vice President running for President this year?

Cuz he's Biden his time.

Why do you want to run for President?

Because walking wouldn't burn enough calories.

Why couldn't Arnold Schwarzenegger run for president?

Because he doesn't do cardio.

What will Kayne West's political leaning be if he runs for President?

West wing

What would you call the Easter egg roll if Bernie Sanders became president?

Weekend at Bernie's.

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What does it take to be a president of Russia?

Be a Viktor, then you are Devinitely In

Where does the President keep his armies?

In his Baracks

What one noun, verb, and US President sums up a scientist's hopes and fears?

Grant.

Who fills in for the president of Russia when he's on leave?

Deputin

Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today?

Abraham Lincoln.

Why should we elect Gabe Newell as President of the United States?

So there won't be a World War III.

What does the president of Russia call his toilet?

Vladimir's Poo Tin

What do call the President of Russia with an upset stomach?

Vladimir Poopin

Why do presidents have unsatisfied wives?

It takes four years to get an election.

What happens when the president of the United States has to use the bathroom?

The state of alert in the White House rises to Defecate 2.

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Why didn't the President fight with the chair?

Because we don't negotiate with chair-orrists.

How did the puppeteer meet the President?

He pulled some strings.

What do Lewinsky, Monroe, and Reddit have in common?

They all went down on a President.

What happens when the President dies?

The Vice President takes over. What happens when the Vice President dies? The Speaker of the House takes over. What happens when the Speaker of the House dies? You go to Radio Shack and buy a new speaker.

Which president was famous for his long pauses?

Ellipsis S. Grant.

What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?

Barbers.

What do you call a foreign born communist running for President?

Ted Cruz

Who says Republicans aren't into recycling?

Mitt Romney's thinking of running for President, again.

What do you get when you elect Bernie Sander's son as president?

A son Bern

Which president likes doing laundry?

George WASHING-A-TON. He's the 8 year old white Kevin Hart.

How much do Americans like racist jokes?

Enough to make one President.

Why didn't rail Castro want to be President of Cuba?

He didn't want to play second fidel

Who should we vote for the next president?

Gabe Newell. There will never be a World War 3.

What does it take to be a president?

Nothing

Who succeeded the first President of the USA?

The second one!

Why is Hillary running for President?

Because it's easier than running from the law.

How do you know when a joke has gone too far?

It's elected President.

What was Lincoln's worst decision as President?

He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

What do you call a president crossing the road?

A presidestrian

What did the turkey say when he accidentally bumped into the president?

Pardon me.

Which President had the shortest term?

Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.

Who was the last President of China?

Yes he was.

Who is the president of the trees?

BarkOak Palma

Which bird ran for President?

H. Ross Parrot

Who would you like for president in 2020?

Anyone who doesn't have poor visions.

What do you call an instrument that gets a president impeached?

Harmonica Lewinsky.

Which president was the most logical?

Lincoln. He made the most cents.

What flavor gum does the President prefer?

Governmint Ill walk myself to the nearest border

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House Jokes More House Jokes

What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?

I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

What's it called when Hobbits build houses for other Hobbits?

Hobbitat for Humanity

Shot Jokes More Shot Jokes

Which Star Wars character was arrested for drunk driving?

Han Solo. Because he took a shot first.

Why did Steph Curry cross the road?

Because he wasnt far enough from the 3pt line to take the shot.

Elect Jokes More Elect Jokes

What do you get when you elect Bernie Sander's son as president?

A son Bern

How do you know Bernie Sanders got elected?

All your stuff has been donated to charity

Win Jokes More Win Jokes

Why does Bernie know he'll win the elections?

Because his good friend Nostradamus told him he would.

What body part never seems to win?

The feet.

Presidency Jokes More Presidency Jokes

Who do you see winning the presidency in 4 years?

I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

What do you call a show about The Donald winning the presidency?

Orange is the New Black

Buy Jokes More Buy Jokes

Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?

At the stock market

Where do military chaplains buy their regalia?

At the army surplice store.

Day Jokes More Day Jokes

What do you call something that's impossible due to physics?

Physics-ly impossible. There's your dad joke for the day.

How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

Lincoln Jokes More Lincoln Jokes

Where was Matthew McConaughey headed in those Lincoln commercials?

Dunno but I'm sure he made all rights all rights all rights.

Who was the only president that was not guilty?

Lincoln. He was in a cent.