Day Jokes

How is your day going?

G- Pretty well, Do you want me to walk you back? B- walk me back? G- to the friendzone you just tried to escape.

April Sale

Why do fanfic writers like Amazon Prime?

They get free two-day shipping.

What is the hottest time of day?

2:flirty

What is the biggest similarity between the average Redditor and a lumberjack?

They both sleep all night and whack all day!

Why can't Brock Turner go to jail?

Because with swim times like his, he might be president some day.

Whats baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

Why don't we see more midget actors?

I guess you can say that they are in short supply these days.

What did the mime say to the wall?

Tough getting by these days.

What did Hillary have for lunch the other day?

Little Seizures

How did the bad Canadian fisherman describe his only catch of the day?

Aboot this big

April Sale

What did the cocaine addict say to his drug of choice?

I'm kinda busy, I won't be able to stay any longer, smell ya later" PS: the addict died that day from severe delusions that his coke was talking blanket, lot of coke....

What time of day was Adam born?

Just a little before Eve

Why are fire trucks red?

You would be too if someone was pulling on your hose all day.

What did the Middle Eastern dishwasher say when his boss asked him what he did all day at work?

Iraq the dishes in the dish rack and Iran the dishwasher

Why did Fetty Wap chose that as his stage name?

Because he wanted to make $50K per day from ad revenue.

What does Sonic say on the first day of Ramadan?

Gotta go fast!

What's the most problematic time of day?

4:04

What is a dentist's favorite time of the day?

2:30

What days are strong days?

Saturday and Sunday, because the rest are weak days.

What's the difference between a joke on Reddit and a joke on 9Gag?

About a day.

April Sale

What's the difference between Reddit and Facebook?

About a day

What did Abe Lincoln say after a three day drinking binge?

Wait I freed?!?!?

When is the earliest time of day Nintendo fans play games?

The Wii hours of the morning.

What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?

Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

How's the oil industry doing these days?

It's in the tank.

Which is the month in which women talk the least?

February... because it has the least number of days

What's Chris Brown's favourite time of day?

12:34!

What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert?

Don't stop! Be leaving!" Just a joke I thought up the other day.

What do you call a virus named Enza that causes the flu?

A flu Enza. Thanks a lot everyone, I looked forward to this day for a long time.

What do you call the day before a trip to an otolaryngologist?

New Ears Eve

April Sale

Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas?

Elf and safety

How is Jesus different from other carpenters?

Unlike other carpenters, Jesus may actually return one day

What do necrophiliacs get when they wake up on the day of a funeral?

Mourning Wood

Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you?

Because he doesn't know the time of day.

What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

What's the most common activity people do while wearing safety vests?

Reflect! I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'

What time of day is it in France right now?

Mourning

How's your day Dog?

Rough...

What's the difference between a saxophone and an onion?

You don't cry when you cut up a saxophone. Happy Saxophone Day Why this musical abomination deserves its own day is beyond me. Edit: beside to beyond

Why do pessimists always think it's the weekend?

Because every day is a sadder-day.

How did the Santa Lawn Ornament feel the day after Christmas?

He was de-lighted.

What did they say about the guy who woke up and jerked off on his alarm clock every day?

He always came on time.

What did the dubstep Valentine's Day card say?

I wub you

Why are Saturday and Sunday strong?

Because all the other days are week days.

Why are indecisive miners the worst?

Because all day they deal with ores.

What's a gambler's favorite time of day?

10 to 1.

How many seconds are there in a day in Africa?

Seconds? They barely get firsts!

What does a mathematician get from a day at the beach?

Tan lines.

Where are the raisins today?

A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

Why was the calendar nervous?

It's days were numbered!

What did Jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior?

Yall nailed it.

How do you stop ISIS?

Leave some milk in the sun for a few days.

What are Mozart and Beethoven up to these days?

They're both Decomposing

Why did Jesus take three days to resurrect after dying on the cross?

Because the date wasn't nailed down.

Why did Jesus hang on the cross for three days?

He forgot the safe word.

Why was the man hanging out in the market all day?

I don't know, but it was pretty bazaar

Who can shave 25 times in one day, and still have a beard?

A barber!

What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?

One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.

What does Putin say during his New Year's speech?

Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

Why did Night fall?

Because Day tripped him.

What do rehab and the days after Christmas have in common?

Cold turkey

What do you call the day before Christmas Eve?

Christmas Adam

How do you make a dog meow?

Put it in the freezer for three days. Run it through a bandsaw. Meoooooow.

How do you tell which truck is the mail truck?

It has huge balls on it. Credit goes to the 70 year old man who just came into my work and made my day.

What the NSA say to NASA?

You're a day late and a dolla short!

What kind of alcohol gets stuck in your head for days?

Red Red Wine!

What are your go to jokes?

I was at an event the other day and someone asked "So... anyone know any jokes?" What's everyone's "go to" joke in social situations?

What is the name of your Russian coworker you see the next day?

C. U. Tomorov

What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree?

I freed the what?

What time of day are you not able to find your watch?

4:04

How are the band "The Scorpions" and rural shepherds alike?

They just wanna be loved by ewe. Made up this joke/pun at work the other day (I'm sure I'm not the first), decided to subject you all to it. All apologies to shepherds who are not physical with your sheep.

What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals?

The Lakers. (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals.) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke.

What's Snoop Dogg's favorite time of day?

Tree O'clock!

Why was the blond late on her first day of work?

Because she stopped taking the pill about a month earlier.

What do a wedding and a funeral have in common?

At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.

What's Beethoven up to these days?

Decomposing

What did Adam say to Eve on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters?

Jesus may actually return some day.

What did Joss say on the last day of shooting the Avengers?

Whedon?

What's a joke that you invented?

Here's mine: Did you hear about the guy who had to snort a line of baking soda every day? He was basically addicted.

What did the Buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?

Bison.

Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."